Diary

January 28, 2025

I feel a sense of dread and anxiety.

Just imagining my future discomfort makes me panic.

I know it's selfish and I have no right.

My home, food, water, internet are all paid from someone else's money.

So when I saw the money in the bank is gone and not enough to pay the bills for internet...

I panicked.

My whole world...

My comfort....

My distraction...

Comes from being able to eat and sleep without worries.

And the access to internet. To be able to read and listen to music.

There were disruptions before.

It was when I was first unaccustomed to my grandpa not being here. For years he took care of all the bills.

But he went overseas. And I didn't know how to pay monthly bills.

He left after preparing but maybe he forgot to put the internet on auto pay.

He already had everything else on autopay.

So without knowing the internet wasn't paid and it was due late.

Ignorance sent me into frustration and helplessness at my own lack of mobility.

I can't drive. I have no money.

I couldn't even go pay the internet bills immediately even if I wanted to.

I had to wait... and wait... for anyone available and willing to drive there and pay the bill.

My waiting was lonely and filled with anxiety.

I was like an addict on drugs.

No internet access felt like an abyss...

And that creepy feeling came crawling back.

I felt the urge to die again.

I felt shame... disgust... hypocrisy... mockery...

My self-hatred grew and felt...

Maybe it was time.

I put it off for so long.

I lived a few years...

I should just end it.

I'm a shameless blood sucking parasite anyways.

Spend less money on an extra useless person like me and then feel relieved sooner.

Yeah... I should've killed myself long ago but I was selfish.

Now I'm scared and panicked.

I don't want to lose my only distraction.

I feel so collapsed.

No one can understand how much truth is in my statement of the world ending...

To me... it feels so terrifying and torturous to know how I'm slowly approaching and becoming more accepting of dying.

I said before.

My fear of death has lessened but my fear of pain became more.

But now I think. I'm not desperate enough.

No matter how much painful it will be it won't last forever.

It'll go away after I'm dead...

Just like how my vivid dreams were.

They were painful.

Agonizing.

Slow.

If I didn't know after I woke up that it was all a dream, I would go crazy from experiencing death...

Over and over again...

Ah... how I wish I can die in an accident...

Wouldn't that be nice?

No one will know I had the urge to die a long time ago.

And I won't know when my death will be coming.

An accident is an accident after-all.

You don't know when it's coming or expect it or react to it.

I won't be able to avoid it if it's so close.

What if I start to regret it and flinch?

Isn't an accident better to just end it all?

I want to destroy all my escape so that I won't be a coward.

I kept living and making excuses for so long while complaining and feeling depressed about committing suicide.

But ultimately, I was a coward.

No matter the reason for avoiding it.

So if I can't do it with my own hands.

If my options always have a way to back out.

I think it would be nice to die in an accident.

Oh but jumping off a high place is an option...

Once I fall, I can't stop anyways...

But I'd have to find a tall place. Somewhere high enough and secluded.

I don't want to just choose any random building and affect business and people's livelihood.

And I don't want to become paralyzed or a vegetable in a hospital.

I want to be completely dead once I land.

Whatever happens to my corpse later is fine.

It's just a mass of flesh and bones anyways.

So even if there's wild animals in a secluded or abandoned place that'll eat my body, it's okay.

I feel like my body is separate from my soul after death, so it shouldn't matter.

But it would be a problem if it affects my appearance as a soul though.

Isn't there always stories and ideas about reincarnation and ghost?

How they appear after death and how long they have to wait to be reincarnated?

Or how you only get to drink the memory erase potion right before reincarnation?

So won't I still remember everything in my current life?

Wow. I don't know if it's better, but at least my sense of panic eased as I kept going and thinking and questioning.

But I don't think this is a good topic to keep continuing...