Diary

January 13, 2025

I found some of my old writings similar to what I'm doing here on my wattpad unpublished and in my notes on my old phone.

I read through some of them...

And felt deeply disgusted at my thoughts.

I don't know what I wanted to do.

It was like I was begging for help desperately in my head but when there was a slight show of concern, my behavior was trash.

No. It was worse than trash.

It was infuriating and disgusting.

I should've been ashamed of myself.

I don't deserve to be called a friend or even a classmate to her.

Although I don't remember or know how true it is. My past notes said this girl had a family or a relative of suicide.

And when she asked a polite question out of concern, I joked and laughed about my own suicidal attempt.

In fact, at the time it wasn't that serious.

I was cutting myself for the first time and was still scared.

I was just excited thinking about getting attention.

It was only a bit later that my situation really got serious.

At that time I was depressed but suicide wasn't a desperate feeling for me yet.

It was more like an option to choose from to escape from reality. I still felt fear of death.

Not like now when sometimes I feel so pointless and empty that I felt it's not worth living.

Honestly, I want to publish all my notes just to let everyone know not to sympathize or feel and concern for me.

Although it's the past and it can be excused as being young and confuse, my current self can't stand it.

Reading my past self makes me nauseous and guilty.

So much so that I'm starting to question myself and have doubts about my sincerity in writing all this.

Did I really change?

Or have my means of being a victim become more sophisticated?

Am I still doing it without realizing it or am I subconsciously doing it?

Now I doubt myself so much that I made myself cry.

I feel so miserable... worse than garbage.

I don't deserve any concern...

God... it hurts so much...

I can't even explain or express how I feel right now.

I feel like I'm so pretentious and want to prove I'm actually writing all this with honesty but I don't know how to prove it.

It's not like I need to prove myself or need others whom I don't know to believe me...

But it just started hurting so much when I doubted and deny my own sincerity...

But that's how much of a bitch I was when I felt so inferior to others and always made myself to be a victim in my head.

I know no one else knew and it was all in my head.

The only evidence is in my notes...

But it's still there and they exist.

I really don't know how to view myself anymore or to even trust my own thoughts.

Maybe I just want to play victim again.

Even if I do it without knowing or subconsciously...

At the moment, I don't know if I should be glad or relieved that no one reads these.

I can see the views and except the first one, no one has read the others. They're all zero so that means no one reads these.

But if I truly don't want anyone to read them, I should unpublish them.

But I feel like I will be left with some regrets keeping everything to myself again.

The reason I publish this is because no one will know me and this can also make me more honest with myself.

But after what happened just now...

I wish there was something that could judge a person's sincerity.

I really don't want to deny the self that's trying to be honest but I feel like I'm just playing the victim again.