For the first time in a long time I'm about to go out...
For no other reason than to go eat at a buffet!!!
I've been craving to go but I don't want to go out.
Today, I finally made plans to go.
But as the time gets closer to when I should start getting ready and leave...
My emotions got worse.
Dread, panic, nervous, anxiety.
I don't want to go out...
I'm scared.
I don't want to meet people.
I feel ugly...
I feel like a plague...
People will be disgusted when they see me.
I'm a weirdo.
I'm strange.
I'm... sad...
I'm very sad right now.
I was fine.
I really was excited and filled with anticipation to go eat at a buffet...
But now my emotions are overwhelming me and I'm starting to tear up.
I feel ashamed and afraid of going out.
All of this makes it so much clearer how I never was better.
I'm still the same.
I have a problem.
I'm still running away.
I keep pushing it and distracting myself from my problem.
But when it gets to this point, my mind becomes very clear.
I shouldn't be like this...
But I am.
I can't change.
I don't want to change.
I'm very scared.
I need help...
But I don't know how to get help.
I don't want help.
I feel miserable.
I feel uncomfortable.
I'm getting nauseous...
I might start dry heaving once I get outside...
I feel ridiculous.
I feel pathetic.
I feel hatred for myself.
Mockery...
Contempt...
It feels bad.
I don't like it.
I might... not go...
YOU ARE READING
Diary
De TodoI want to write out my thoughts as honestly as possible and try not to lie like I always do. Maybe by being anonymous will make me stop being a liar. I think it's a bit late to say this after publishing for about a month but I should put a warning. ...
