Diary

May 9, 2025

A few days passed. Some things happened but weren't too eventful and I was lazy to write.

I still feel lazy to write.

My mood has been bad these days.

The only happy event was trying out a new place and the food was good.

Oh... I don't often mention food, do I?

I have an unusual habit of texting food reviews to my sister.

Whether its a new or old place to eat and go to.

Or if the food is bad or good.

Just sharing my experience.

Sharing a joy or grievance.

This is one habit that makes me feel happy.

Even if she doesn't reply.

Maybe she's busy.

It never dampened my mood to share food.

Maybe I'm used to it or it had always been this way from the beginning.

Maybe I should share my joy on here. Even if no one reads any of this.

Isn't it the same?

But right now I'm a bit lazy.

I just read a poem that lowered my mood and needed to do something to forget and suppress it.

While I can't say I feel exactly the same way...

I didn't pretend to smile or be normal.

But I wasn't straightforward and open about it either.

There was no hiding or a need to hide. I was just there. Same as always. But my insides became duller to the point of numbness.

Its not like I can't laugh when I find something funny. Its just insignificant. Plus I usually laugh at the things I read on my phone and I'm always usually alone.

I'm also not a bright child nor am I sensitive to human relationship. So I've always been quiet.

The only change would've been me being quieter, gloomier, sluggish, and avoidance.

Really...

But that doesn't change the cruelty and resentment inside me.

I'm emotionally less invested in others than the norm, but its not nonexistent.

To the people I give more too, their importance to me weighs a lot.

I don't know much importance it is.

But it feels like loyalty and unconditional.

It is my mom and my sister after all.

But I think its just possessiveness.

I can't help but think of the worse for myself while trying to make sense of my psychotic mentality in a normal way. Um... I don't think I made any sense there.

I'm trying to say that with everything I said in a normal way like affection and loyalty.

I believe myself to be so twisted and crazy that deep down its not real affection and live that I feel, but a childish possessiveness.

Because I don't know how I would react if one day I suddenly got news they died in an accident or something.

A sense of lost? I have gotten so comfortable with their presence of the years that it would feel a but strange or empty...

Or regret? Deep sorrow? Maybe I'll realize to cherish once lost but by then they were already dead. I can only say I deserve it if this happens.

Or empty. Just simply a feeling of hollowness and emptiness.