Haaaah.... Another day of miserably waiting.
The other day the installation of the generator wasn't finished.
Yesterday I waited for a morning in waste only to be told that they forgot to notify me that no one was coming because the parts ordered hasn't arrived yet.
Now today I wait again still uncertain if the parts arrived and they'll come to finish installing.
Want to know why I'm miserable waiting?
Because I have to lock myself in my room for hours and worry electricity will be turned off or go hungry or need to go to the restroom.
I need to be notified to prepare!!!
Yesterday preparation was wasted!
I had drinks, a meal packed and ready, and snacks all ready!!!
I went to the restroom almost every half an hour to make sure I'm all empty!!!
I made sure to drink less!
Hours gone!!!! Wasted!!!
Now I have to do the same again!!!!
AHHHHHH!!!!!
This is so frustrating!
But then I thought: isn't this the same as when I lock myself up in my room for 4 years and only waited to come out at night?
At the time I also had to wait while hungry, thirsty, and need to go to the restroom.
But maybe because of a psychological reason, it feels different.
My self isolation is by choice and I could come out anytime freely without restrictions.
But this time my freedom is restricted for an unknown amount of time!
I can't bear this grievance!!!!
AHHH!!!
I'm so mad and frustrated!
But when I think having a generator is a good thing to prepare and benefit my future...
Bear with it! I must bear with it! This uncomfortable hardship!
I've been through worse!
This is not that hard at all!!!
I'm just spoiled and pampered after staying in my comfort zone for too long!
You know what they say. Poor to rich is easy but rich to poor is hard!
I forgot the actual saying but it was something like that with better wording.
I used to go to school everyday in a thick sweater even in heat!
That's because wearing jackets and oversized sweater gave me a little sense of comfort and protection.
No matter how hot and uncomfortable and sickly I was! I refused to remove it until I reached home!
My body felt so unwell but psychologically I was more comfortable than removing it outside of home.
But now I'm at home and I can't bear this hardship!!! This is my comfort zone! My isolated bubble!
Damn it! I'm so spoiled now and I want to be unreasonable!!!
Even though I can logically think and know the benefits!
Think of long term!
Think of all the nights I spent alone during blackouts and no one was awake to be with me!
They can sleep comfortably but only I woke up immediately even if I was asleep!
Even though at the time my day and night schedule was the opposite of everyone else's. There were times I slept at night too!
I got woken up the second the power went out because my fans turned off!!!
Then my body flared up and started burning...
Fuck! Even during winter I still have my fan turned on!!!
Not to mention summer! I feel like dying!!!
Give me any other method of death! I just don't want being burned to death.
My body temperature is so high...
For a multitude of reasons.
But still!!!
Ahhh! Logical thinking! I need to keep calm and think logically and practically!
I can't escape from this.
Everyone will be gone because of work and school. Only I am at home and need to open the door.
I can't leave the house unattended to a stranger.
Even though I basically am doing the same by opening the door then locking myself in my room...
But better than nothing!!!
I can't leave at least hear!
If something is off, I'll know and call the police in time!
...Plus I have no transportation and don't want to walk.
YOU ARE READING
Diary
AcakI want to write out my thoughts as honestly as possible and try not to lie like I always do. Maybe by being anonymous will make me stop being a liar. I think it's a bit late to say this after publishing for about a month but I should put a warning. ...
