I don't know if being beheaded by a guillotine would be better as my vivid dream or what I dreamt most recently.
About a day or two ago, I dreamt of my stomach being bloated and needed to give birth.
Instead of the normal deep breaths and push or a professional surgery...
I had to experience the pain of being gutted and pulling out an abnormally deformed child.
Yes. Child. Not a baby. But a grown child about 5 or 6 years old.
The deformity is what seems like a mutant spiky skinny skeleton.
Or maybe a mummy because it had a layer of skin but no flesh or muscles. I don't know about blood because it wasn't bleeding.
I was.
Look. I'm not against babies born with deformity...
But I'll be honest. I think I'm too cold blooded to have enough motherly love to give birth to a very ugly baby. That's how I am. I'm not kind enough to accept it.
But as long as it's not my own, I'll just ignore it. I won't deny their right to live or be born. I don't have that right in the first place.
It's their parent and how much responsibility and love they're willing to take on and give.
Don't believe bullshit and good sounding words. You have to realize the reality and human nature.
Anyway, I'm not against it but I will most likely be resistant to it.
I'm an asshole. So my most polite gesture to you if I ever meet someone with a deformity is to stay silent and get away as soon as possible.
I once said I lied a lot, but I'm not an actor.
I feel like my emotions are very easy to read.
Hm... If. This is an uncertain if.
If I'm being very conscious of my own behavior and don't get careless.
I could look like I don't care. I've done it before but I wouldn't call it a deformity.
That person was born with a patch of skin being a different color on their face.
Honestly, I wasn't all that curious so I didn't need to put up an act. I was really indifferent about it.
To me, at first, thought it was a burn mark and that he had a past fire accident.
It wasn't until later when I saw an ad about a skincare cream that I realized it wasn't a burn mark.
I didn't look clearly when we first met, but after seeing the ad, I realized there was no burning marks on his skin. It was just a different color.
Blame me. I don't like looking directly at people in general.
And I wasn't just going to start staring at the guy because he looked different.
...Um. To explain it better, I just didn't care about people.
Yeah they exist but I wasn't interested.
Not as a potential friend, classmate, or lover.
For all genders.
...Why does it seem harder to explain???
Anyways if I tried really hard, I could act like you're a normal person if you're someone I'm interested in or interacting with or curious about.
But if I'm not curious, then with the same deformity, I'll really be indifferent without pretense.
Well. I used the word deformity to describe what was pulled out of my stomach but...
Isn't more like a humanoid type monster than an actual human I gave birth to???
I still remember the pain and the prickly uncomfortable feeling on my hand that had to pat the spiky skeletal spine to stop it...
It wasn't cry...
Ugh... its head was off the neck. No. Not off the neck but snapped to the side.
The head was still right side up but laying on the shoulder. Skin intact and no bleeding.
...Anyways. My dreams are disturbing.
I woke up in pain of my stomach feeling like it was split open.
I feel like being beheaded to better and quicker but I haven't experienced it yet in my dream so I don't know if there'll be changes that make what seems like a quick death actually agonizing.
No wait...
Just don't let me dream of my own death at all.
It's getting weirder and painful.
Even drowning wasn't as painful.
It was just choking breathlessly and cold and helplessly paralyzed... but at least I woke up fast,
Geez.
I'm about to go to sleep or take a nap but I don't want to get a vivid dream.
I know I had one recently but these happen unexpectedly and I can't prepare for it.
Although I describe my vivid dream this time a bit gruesomely, all in all I'm still fine and these dream haven't made me go insane.
It's painful but not painful like I'm dying.
Well I don't know how to put it in a way that's easy to understand for those who've never experienced such a thing.
Hm... I thought about a paper cut but the pain last for awhile.
A pinch?
Or ripping off a band-aid?
It's like getting a short but sharp pain. It's very quick to go away and doesn't cause any burden on my body. Mentally, I don't know. But I don't think too much about it.
It doesn't make me constantly worried about it either.
I remember experiencing it but I'll forget it after awhile and remember it again when I try to recollect my past experiences to see any changes.
Sometimes there's a pattern to it like the creepy paranormal dreams which lets me catch on quickly I'm dreaming.
But this has no pattern I've seen so far so I just compare the level of pain I feel in the dream and how much passes onto reality.
Strangely, the more gruesome ones with death isn't as painful in reality when I wake up as some of the gentler experiences.
Maybe because the gentler experiences are much closer to what I normally have already experienced in my usual life.
With my illnesses and such, I can see why the phantom pain last longer and is more painful.
Because I've experienced it or something very similar and have a greater understanding of the pain than something unrealistic like dying.
Drowning might be more vivid too if I had actually ever experienced drowning, but I haven't.
I don't even like swimming and I always very cautious about going anywhere near a large body of water.
I'm self aware that I don't know how to swim.
Never been taught and I'm not a genius to be able to learn by watching others swim.
I know the concept and theory and movement but I haven't tried it yet.
I get the likely feeling if I tried the situation will be a disaster.
Like my hands aren't hands anymore and my feet aren't legs.
Motor skills don't match my brain and imagination...
Ah! I'm really going to sleep now. I'm too sleepy to keep going.
YOU ARE READING
Diary
LosoweI want to write out my thoughts as honestly as possible and try not to lie like I always do. Maybe by being anonymous will make me stop being a liar. I think it's a bit late to say this after publishing for about a month but I should put a warning. ...
