Diary

January 23, 2025

As expected I did go to sleep hungry but I woke up not angry anymore. I just felt cold and lazy.

By now, I've been awake for hours and am about to go to sleep.

I just wanted to write my first thought when I woke up yesterday.

Usually I don't get up immediately as I wake up.

I lay there at least half an hour and at most two hours before sitting up.

But this is just a lazy habit of mine which I now recently use to think about anything that comes to mind.

Very random topics but an oddly relaxing time for me.

The topic this time is: I wonder how some people can be selfless or kind without a motive.

Does it just seem that way?

But sometimes I see certain people that just have an aura that's so virtuous.

To be clear, these are very rare people in my eyes.

Because more often than not, people who seem overly kind and enthusiastic, disgust me and I stay away from them.

You can say I'm treating kindness with an ill heart. Or a bad person that sees everything as bad with a malicious mind.

Sorry but I just believe more in the ugly side of human nature.

To the point that I feel like I can be suspicious and paranoid sometimes.

I just think someone won't be kind for no reason or purpose. There has to be a motive of some kind.

But then at rare moments, I get to see unbelievable kindness that even I can't bring up the will to suspect.

Those moments make my heart beat faster and sometimes tear up. They make me think: Ah... if only I knew how to paint or draw so that I can capture this image I see through my eyes.

I'm not very fond of taking photos, but at those moments, I can't help but take a picture because of my lack of skill.

Though I've said all that nicely, I can't help forget them very easily.

No matter how beautiful or heartwarming.

In the end, I can't help easily forget it exist.

Why?

I don't know.

I just see more negative than positive.

And maybe the positive isn't enough to occupy a corner of my negative heart.

Truly, I sometimes see the positive acts as foolish or stupid... but I can't hate the person doing it.

There's no specific person. I'm just speaking those type of people in general.

And I wonder... how do you do it?

Without concerns, acknowledgement, repayment.

Is it just a good feeling for doing a good deed?

I don't get it.

I know it's hard to do.

And I don't understand it.

But I can never hate it.

I sometimes think about some soldiers talking about their story.

Especially the simple minded ones.

You do so much and yet...

I don't get it.

The danger and the sacrifice.