DRUGS AND LOVE || Hyunlix

ʟᴀsᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ɪ sᴀᴡ ʏᴏᴜ

𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐢 𝐬𝐚𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮

4 months. 16 weeks. 112 days. 2688 hours. He's been counting it all. Counting the days he'd spend without him.

Lix was quiet after that day. He was changed.

His blonde hair was now short and black, he stopped wearing color long time ago. Only dark. Mostly Hyunjin's clothes.

Once Jisung acknowledged that sometimes he was still seeing Hyunjin right in front of them. Because Felix was still clutching to him. But not in a bad way.

Felix was interested in interior design, using Hyunjin's old sketchbooks to make up sketches, paitings in his own messy way. His music taste changed, his view of life changed. Every bit of it.

His family accepted him, it was hard at first but they got used to this version of Felix. They couldn't leave him. Not after what he's been through.

He started wearing rings. But at what cost? To look at them and always tear up? Talk to them like they held answers?

Now they were going to Jeju, bus was loud, because Jisung and Binnie couldn't stop singing.

"Turn this one on! Turn this one on!" Jisung repeated, pointing at that one song. He held sandwich like a microphone and made dramatically sad expression.

Summer after high school when we first met
We make out in your Mustang to Radiohead

Jisung pointed at Changbin to continue

And on my 18th birthday we got matching tattoos

Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof

Talk about our future like we had a clue

Chris glanced at them with curious eyes because they were really singing their hearts out.

"NEVER PLANNED THAT ONE DAY, I'D BE LOSING YOU!" Jisung yelled lyrics while staring at Changbin like he did something wrong.

Jeongin looked up at them too, little worried.

In another life

I would be your girl

We keep all our promises

Be us against the world

Changbin continued

"IN ANOTHER LIFE! I WOULD MAKE YOU STA-"

Jeongin managed to silence them by clapping loudly. Silently glancing at a dark haired boy to sign them about the situation.

"Chill!" Younger whisper-yelled, knowing the meaning of lyrics and lix was hearing all of it.

Felix didn't act like he didn't hear them. "Hey, it's fine. I love that song." He replied with a smile which they haven't seen in so long. Then he turned away, resting his cheek on the cold window.

By the time they arrived at the hotel, the sun had set, painting Jeju’s skyline in washed-out pinks and bruised purples. The sea’s scent was in the air, mixing with wood and salt and something that almost felt like nostalgia.

The others ran around claiming rooms, arguing over who got the one with the balcony. Felix didn’t say anything. Just quietly slipped into the smallest one at the end of the hallway, where the window faced the trees instead of the ocean.

He closed the door behind him gently, like anything louder would shatter the stillness he was trying so hard to hold together.

There was a small desk in the room. White. Clean. Blank.

Felix sat down and pulled out a worn notebook from his backpack, its corners frayed, cover covered in faded stickers. He opened it to a blank page.

He hesitated.

Then he began writing.

To Hyunjin

It's been so long since i wrote for you, I'm sorry for that.
I've been busy with work and studies these days, i barely had time to even sleep.
I dyed my hair few months ago, it's short, you'd probably hate it, i know how you loved when my hair would curl. But honestly, i was getting tired of it.

you know sometimes i still hear you, sometimes i hear your voice when i talk to myself. It's weird right? It started when I first wore the rings you got for me.

Wish you never got them though.

I'm studying on interior design, shocking right? I use your sketchbooks by the way, it's really helping me. I mean, you're helping me.

I'm living with my family now, we're getting along. Amazing right? Don't worry, Kkami is having fun with your mom and dad, even though we cry together when we miss you. He loves sitting in my lap whenever i visit.

When i do something great and someone compliments me, i'm proud of myself. You'd be proud of me too right?

You were the one who brought me to this right?

I can imagine your smile when i do something successful, tell me how proud you are.

Even if i sleep on your side of the bed.
Even if i listen to songs that still remind me of you
Even if I cry when i stare at the rings, they're beautiful but they bring me emotions. Alot of them.

i want you back. But it makes me question, if i even had you in the first place.

If i even deserved you at all.

Sometimes i remember everything we did before you left. The last 'good morning', last hug, last kiss...

If i knew, god, if i knew it would be last. I would cherish that moment forever. How could you do this to me?

Sometimes, when i wake up, or zone out. I forget. I forget that you're gone. I still call out your name when i need help. I still reach bedsheets next to me, thinking you'll pull me in for lazy hug. I accidentally put two plates on table because i still haven't let you go.

Would you still stay? Stay with this version of me? Because i feel like I'm bothering you with those letters, which never reaches you.

I wanted you to watch me find my spark again. I wanted you to spend time with me. I wanted you to hear the first time i would tell you that i love you so much. It hurts.

I miss you. I miss your hands on mine, i miss your eyes that holds universe. I miss everything about you. Bad or good. I miss you. I miss the way you called me sunshine.

I miss times when you made me feel alive.

I love you.

I love you in ways that make breathing feel like betrayal.
I love you in the songs I skip and the clothes I refuse to wash because they still smell like you.
I love you in every version of my life that I imagine, and you’re always in it. until reality rips it away.

Thank you for saving me.

Your Felix.

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THE END