First Crush, My Forever

Chapter 49

  Dani still hasn't said a word about the kiss. Not in the car. Not at her house. Not the next day. And with every second she doesn't, the weight of it gets heavier. I don't regret it. Not even a little but I hadn't meant to say 'look at our baby,' not out loud. Not when we haven't even figured out what we are yet. If we are anything.

  School for both of us has started back and still, I show up and I keep showing up. After classes, after studying or homework, after late-evening workouts. Dani doesn't ask me to, but I do anyway. I want to be there. I need to. She thanked me once, in that soft voice she uses when something really matters. "For everything," she'd said, eyes flicking to mine for a second too long but that was it.

  One night not long after the OB appointment, we were sitting on her porch, KK already in bed, cool air around us, and she turned to me like she'd been turning it over in her mind for a while. "I never said thank you for putting in a word for me with your mama," Dani said.

  "You didn't have to." I shrugged.

  "Well, I'm saying it anyway. I got the job and I start Monday."

  I smiled. "That's awesome, Dani."

  She nodded. "I'm excited. Nervous, but excited. I haven't taught in a little while now and it's been a while since I taught in a high school setting."

  "You'll be great. You're already great."

  Dani's eyes softened. "I'll have to put KK back in pre-K though. I hate it, but there's no way around it."

  "If you need help picking her up..."

  "That's what I was going to ask," Dani cut in, a little too fast. "If you'd be okay still getting her from school and keeping her until I'm home?"

  I blinked. "Of course. You don't even have to ask."

  She smiled then, real and wide. "I want to pay you."

  I shook my head. "Don't."

  "Taytum..."

  "No. I'm not doing it for money. I'm doing it because I love her and because I...." The words catch in my throat. I swallow them.. Dani didn't call me on it. She just nodded and looked away.

  That Monday, her first day had come fast. I couldn't stop thinking about her first day. Wondering if her classroom felt like home yet. If the kids liked her. If she was okay. By noon, I'd had enough of wondering. So I grab lunch from her favorite place, turkey avocado on toasted sourdough, an iced water with lemon and stop at the flower shop on the corner. They have beautiful bouquets of lilies and roses.

  I don't text or call. Just show up. I walk through the quiet hallway until I find Dani's room. Her name on the door still feels surreal, Ms. Howard, Creative Writing. I raise my hand and knock. "Come in," she calls.

  I push the door open and step inside. Dani is sitting behind her desk, a stack of folders in front of her and a pen in her hand. When she looks up and sees me, something in her face softens. Something that tells me maybe I'm not the only one still thinking about yesterday.

  "Taytum," she says. My name sounds different when she says it. "What are you doing here?"

  "Thought you might be hungry." I held up the bag of food.

  Dani blinks, then stands. Her whole face shifts. "You brought me lunch?"

  "And these." I hand her the bouquet.

  She takes them slowly, like she can't quite believe any of it. "These are... beautiful. You didn't have to do this."

  "I wanted to."

  Dani looks at the flowers, then at me. "You're kind of impossible to ignore, you know that?"

  I smile. "That's the idea." I walk over and set everything down on Dani's desk, sliding the bag toward her.

  "Smells amazing," she says, unfolding the top of the bag. "You remembered what I like?"

  "Course I did."

  Dani starts pulling out the containers, and I sit in the chair across from her desk, not saying anything for a minute. Just watching her. It hit me again how natural she looks here, like she belongs and how absolutely beautiful she is.. "Thank you," she says after a couple seconds. "For all of this. The food. The flowers. For recommending me for this job. Your mama told me it was you."

  I shrug. "You deserved it. Just glad they saw what I already knew."

  Dani smiles again, but this time it fades a little as her eyes drop to the desk. Her fingers brush a petal of one of the lilies. "Taytum..."

  I straighten. "Yeah?"

  Dani's mouth opens slightly, like she is about to say something big but then she closes it. She shakes her head. "Never mind."

  Silence stretches out. I lean forward, resting my arms on the edge of the desk. "Dani... you don't have to say anything. I get it. Timing's messed up, there's a lot going on plus you're still healing." Her eyes snap up to mine. I hold her gaze, heart thumping.

  "I just want you to know," I say, my voice low, steady, "I'm not going anywhere."

  Something flickers in Dani's face. She doesn't smile. She doesn't cry. She just looks at me and then, slowly, she reaches across the desk and places her hand over mine. It is a small gesture, but everything in me lights up. She holds it there for just a second longer than she needs to. Long enough to tell me she heard me. Long enough to say she doesn't want me to go, even if she can't say the words yet.

  Dani's touch is soft and it cracks something wide open in my chest.

  "I'm glad you came," she whispers.

  "Me too," I say.

  A knock at the classroom door startles us both. Dani pulls her hand back quickly. A student peeks in, mumbles an apology of "wrong room", and slips away. When the door clicks shut again, we look at each other and laugh under our breath.

  "Eat with me?" Dani finally says, her voice soft.

  I nod as I open the other bag that has my sandwich. "I would love to."

  We eat together quietly, the kind of silence that feels full instead of empty. Dani keeps stealing glances at me when she thinks I'm not paying attention, and I don't even bother hiding the way I look at her. When the food is gone, I stand to take the trash. She stands too and walks with me to the door.

  "Thanks again," she says. "You really didn't have to."

  "I know," I say. "But I wanted to."

  Dani lingers in the doorway, fingers grazing the hem of her blouse. "Taytum, I..." She stops. Her lips press tight like the words are there, but locked away.

  "Yeah?"

  Dani's lips part like she is going to say something that matters again, but then she just shakes her head slightly. "Nothing."

  I step closer, not too close, just enough that she had to tilt her head to look at me. "Someday you're gonna stop doing that."

  "Doing what?"

  "Holding it in."

  Dani gives a soft, almost sad laugh. "Yeah. Maybe." I can see the war in her eyes. The want. The fear and something deeper I don't want to name unless she does.

  I lean in just enough to brush my knuckles against Dani's cheek. "I'll wait." She blinks at me, throat working to swallow whatever it is she didn't say and then she nods.

  I walk out of her classroom with nothing but a nod, but everything feels different now.