Just Once// Sidemen Fanfiction

Chapter 37// Wrong

Alice knew Vik missed her, because he'd tried so much the night before to make her come home. Of course, she didn't, as she wanted to spend more time with Ethan.

Ethan @behzinga:
It's been nice to catch up with @alice_zerkaa. She's awesome!

Josh Zerker @zerkaa:
@behzinga @alice_zerkaa Tell her to come home soon, or to call me. Need to talk to her.

"Alice, Joshua says he needs to talk to you."

"I know, Ethan. He mentioned me too."

"Right."

"I'll go do that, be right back." Alice stood off the couch and made her way into the kitchen area as to not disturb Ethan's resting.

She dialed Josh's number and placed the phone against her ear slowly. As much as Alice didn't want to talk to him, she knew she had to. That was her brother after all, and she wasn't going to leave him like he left her.

"Hello? Alice?" Josh answered, his voice panicked.

"Hi Josh."

"Ali, come home! I miss you so much."

"You basically straight out told me to leave. Don't go back on your word. Besides, Ethan's happy to have me for as long as I want to stay." Alice explained, resting her elbows against the countertop.

"I didn't mean it, honest."

"That's what they all say." Alice sighed, "Goodbye Josh. I have better things to be doing right now that talking to you."

"Please, I worked to hard to get you back the first time." Josh cried.

"The first time? You mean when you abandoned me?" Alice snapped, standing up straight and moving over to the window.

"I-I didn't abandon you, Ali. You abandoned yourself." And then he hung up, leaving Alice feeling empty and alone. Cold, even.

What has he meant, that she abandoned herself? What did that mean?

By now Alice knew she had a heart, because every time she felt it break. But this time, it was different. It didn't hurt. She was used to it.

What a sad thing, to not feel the pain of heart break anymore. To be used to something that many people experience time and time again. She was emotionless.

"Alice?" Ethan rounded the corner into the kitchen. "You alright? How's Josh?"

"He's okay." Alice's voice was soft, she felt useless again.

"Are you okay?" Ethan furrowed his eyebrows at her, walking slowly over to where she was.

Alice watched the cars, and remembered when she tried to kill herself.

'Why didn't I just die?' She thought, her eyes welling with tears, 'Why didn't I just end it all. I'm such and idiot.'

"C'mon, come watch the futbol match with me..." Ethan patted her back, looking away from the window.

"I-I think I'll go sit on the balcony, actually." Alice faked a smile.

"Okay, don't do anything stupid." Ethan gripped her arm tightly, looking into her eyes. "I wouldn't want to have you dead." His eyes filled with sorrow, and she knew she couldn't do it. She couldn't jump.

But she had to try.

"I won't. I promise." She lied through her teeth, pulling her arm back and opening the door to the balcony.

"Okay." Ethan's voice was cut off by the door.

Alice sighed. This was it. She'd threatened death earlier, but this time she meant it. She couldn't handle the heart breaks and the memories. It was all way to much, and she'd broken.

She stepped up onto the railing, and gripped the wall next to her, looking down at the far drop. Ten stories, she'd fall. Killing her instantly.

'It'll be better. You won't have to worry about anything ever again. You'll be happy.' She thought, slowly dragging her hand down the wall until she felt stable enough to let go.

'Josh won't disappoint you anymore. Vik won't worry about you anymore. It'll be a burden lifted off of all of your friends shoulders, even Jess. She won't even remember you in a few years.'

As much as Alice wanted to jump, the negatives of death were getting to her.

'Simon will cut again, maybe even kill himself. Ethan will live with the guilt of having let you jump. Josh won't ever forgive himself for his last words. Vik will stop YouTube, hide away. He's nothing without his moral support from you.'

Alice was tired of thinking. She looked out over the skyline, and found the city of London in the distance. She thought about how much she'd miss the beautiful sight. She'd grown up there, she'd loved it there. So many memories of when Josh and her would mess around in the backyard of their parents house, enjoying childhood. She'd never experienced a better time in her twenty one years, and she figured no age would ever beat childhood.

'Enough thinking, just do it.' Her mind pushed.

Some small part of her chest ached, holding her back. It was her fear of death. Her fear of being forgotten. It was her fear of oblivion.

Alice closed her eyes. She imagined herself jumping. She imagined the slight pain she'd feel before she died. Alice could see the herself hitting the pavement, and she took a slight step back on the railing. It wasn't to thick, so the step she took wasn't big. She replaced her hand on the wall, reassuring herself that she wouldn't fall.

'Don't stop, Alice. Do it now. Get it over with. Everyone will be happy that you are gone. No one ever loved you. Remember what Josh said? You're a waste of space.' No matter how hard her brain tried to convince her, that small part of her heart refused to let her go.

"Alice! Stop!"

Alice quickly looked behind her, seeing Vik in her peripheral vision.

"Vik, go away. I'm not worth saving."

"No, Alice, you are. Oh god, you are. When I say I love you, I don't mean it lightly."

"Please! Leave me alone. I'm never going to be worth anything to anyone, am I? Huh? I'm stupid and inconsiderate, insane, useless. You're wrong about me!" Alice's voice quieted, "You have to be wrong..."

"I've never been wrong about you, and that ring? On your finger? That proves it. It proves that I never went wrong with you." Vik pleaded, taking a step closer to her.

"You did." Alice spoke softly as she took one last step closer to the edge.

"I'll never make you happy." She whispered.

----------

A/N ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!

so I'm starting high school tomorrow... updates may be a little slower this week considering I have to focus on school, sorry! remember, I love you guys... see-ya! *does miniminter's peace sign salute*