Can't help but feeling like I dropped the ball, cliche.
BEYONCÉ
Leaving Houston felt bittersweet.
Usually, I would've been in a rush to leave and probably wouldn't have even stayed as long as I did. With my dad dead and my possible reconnection with Onika, I had reasons to want to stay for once.
Onika and I hadn't spoken since I was honest about my feelings for her and she left in the middle of the night. I assumed she didn't want to talk to me based off the signs I was getting so I didn't text her, and she didn't text me either which only proved what I was already thinking.
I tried not to think too much about it, especially since I was leaving the city again, but it was hard. I let myself get back into my old feelings and now I was stuck with them.
All I could do was put those feelings into music hope the distance would push those feelings away again.
The last person I expected to call me while I was packing my stuff was Onika, but she did. I was reluctant to answer but I knew I would regret it if we didn't speak before I left. "Hello?"
"Hey, Bey. Are you busy?"
"Uh..." I looked down at the pile of clothes and suitcase in front of me. "A little but not really. Why, what's up?"
"I was just wondering if we could talk, if you have time. I know our conversation the other night was a little incomplete."
"Sure." I tried to seem nonchalant, even though I was anything but. "I'm flying out of Houston tonight but we can talk after I pack. Your place or mine?"
"If you don't mind, you can come over here and we can talk in the car. I'll be home for a while so you can just text me when you get here."
"Sounds good. I'll see you soon." I waited for her to say goodbye and then hung up the phone.
The rest of the time I was packing, all I was thinking about was worst case scenarios. I was fully prepared to be embarrassed when we spoke.
By the time I was done getting ready, I didn't have much time before the jet was scheduled to come get me so I changed into my airport fit, just a green sweatsuit, and got in my rental car to drive to her.
I listened to trap music the entire drive to hopefully hype me up a little bit. It worked as much as it could with the current situation.
I waited a for minute after I was parked in front of her house before I texted her that I was outside so I could get myself together. All I kept telling myself was that I already said what I had to say and the ball was in her court. The only thing I could do was listen to what she wanted to talk about.
It wasn't long after I texted her that she was walking out of her house wearing a grey workout shirt and black leggings. Damn.
She got in the car and didn't give me a hug like she past couple times we saw each other. Also noted. "Hey."
"Hey." A heavy and awkward silence fell over the car and played with the hem of my pants to avoid eye contact.
She broke the silence first with a sigh. "I don't even really where to start, but I know you so I know you're probably overthinking me leaving and not texting you."
I finally looked up from my pants and over at her. "...Yeah." At least she knew.
"I'm sorry, I just felt like it would be kind of inappropriate to stay the night after all that and then I didn't text you yesterday because I worked from noon to midnight."
"Oh." Every time I started overthinking, she always had a valid reason for her actions. Sometimes I just needed to chill.
"And honestly, I needed the time to think. I wasn't expecting that confession years later on a random drunk night. I wasn't exactly sure how I wanted to respond either."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. That was probably bad timing but I just needed to get it off my chest."
She rushed to speak. "Don't apologize. Don't be sorry at all, I'm glad you told me."
I raised an eyebrow, more interested in the conversation now. "Really?"
"Yeah." She shyly nodded. "I would be lying if I said I didn't have a little crush on you at some point in high school too."
My eyebrow raised even higher to the point that they might as well have been touching my hairline. "Huh?!" That was the last thing I expected her to say.
She softly laughed for a second. "I mean, yeah. You were cute and artistic, not to mention one of the few respectful people at that school. That was just a different time and I didn't exactly know what the feelings I was feeling were half of the time, but I definitely had a crush on you. I just never said anything because you never said anything."
I wanted to kick myself. All this time and all I had to do was speak up.
"Shit." I didn't even know what to say. I was so shocked.
"As for now..." She spoke in a softer tone like she was about to let me down easy. "I won't lie and say that I haven't enjoyed the past couple days or I haven't thought about what could've been when we share moments but things are just different now."
"Complicated how?"
She let out a deep sigh. "My life just isn't the same anymore and being an adult, I have different responsibilities than I did in high school. I'm glad we've had the opportunity to reconnect and finally come clean about our feelings, but I think things might be too complicated now. Friendship is one thing but I
don't think anything past that would be a good idea right now."
I nodded and didn't respond at first because I was still taking things in. I was still on a sort of high from learning that my feelings were at one point reciprocated, so I couldn't only be so disappointed by the let down. That wasn't a never, so things could be worse.
"I guess I can understand that." Even if I didn't, I couldn't exactly protest against what she was saying. She wasn't exactly wrong though. I was about to leave Houston and she worked twelve hour shifts every other day, so it would probably be a waste of time to try anything anyway.
She gave me a comforting smile. "But I don't want to let this ruin things between us, I've been enjoying spending time with you and I'd want to keep in contact even after you leave if you still want to."
I forced myself to smile despite being put back in the friend zone and looked away. "I agree. I already said I wasn't expecting anything out of my honesty so we don't have to make things weird."
"Okay, good. I was worried." She let out a sigh of relief. "But I know you have a flight to catch so I won't keep you too long. I'm glad we got to talk."
I did have to return the rental car and say bye to my family, so she had a point.
"Yeah, me too. I'll text you when I land."
She leaned over the center console and gave me a tight hug. "Okay. Don't be a stranger, like I said, and don't come back in town without letting me know."
"Of course." I rubbed her back once and then stopped myself because I didn't want to cross any lines. "See you soon."
"See you soon." She gave my cheek a quick kiss before getting out of the car and going back into her house.
Was I imagining the signs I was getting?
I may have just been delusional for being happy after the conversation we just had, but I had a pep in my step for the rest of the day.
For once, I was actually excited to come back to Houston.
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Bey?
Onika?
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