OTM
I was glad to be able to take a well needed self care day.
Carter was with his mom so I had the entire Sunday to do whatever I wanted. I slept in and then made myself a nice breakfast before going to my spa. I wore pink yoga pants and a white tank top with a cropped grey zip up hoodie over because it seemed fitting for the spa.
I took advantage of owning the spa and did whatever I wanted to with no appointment. I got a full body massage, a facial, a wax, and a mani pedi. It was heaven.
The time alone gave me a lot of time to think and like Lauren suggested, sitting back and being real with myself.
I also got my hairstylist to squeeze me in after I left the spa so I drove home feeling great about myself. Both my energy and look felt refreshed.
Keeping with the theme of self care for the day, I ordered myself food from a local Jamaican restaurant instead of cooking and ate it on my couch with a glass of wine and a movie playing.
I almost forgot Bey was supposed to be bringing Carter back that night until I heard my front door open.
He followed the noise of the tv and ran into the living room to give me a hug. "Hi, beautiful mother. Your hair looks good."
I laughed. "Thank you." He was cute when he wanted to be.
Bey came into the living room a second later with Carters bag on her back. She was about as dressed down as she would leave the house, wearing a light yellow tank top with white pleated pants. "It really does look good."
"Thanks." I put my attention back on Carter. "How was your mom's house?"
He looked back at Bey for a second and laughed. "Fun."
Bey playfully rolled her eyes. "Look at you already ready to tell, mamas boy. Take your bag and go upstairs before you tell on us. Your mom and I need to talk."
I raised an eyebrow. "What did you guys do today?"
"I've been sworn to secrecy." He took his bag from Bey and ran up the stairs before I could ask anything else.
"Bey, what did you have my baby doing?"
She waved me off. "Don't worry about it, he's always in safe hands with me. But that's not that I want to talk about."
"Wha- oh." I was so in my own world that it slipped my mind that I asked her if we could talk. "Right, our talk. Do you want a glass of wine or water or anything?"
She nervously chuckled. "Are you about to kill me or something? What's up?"
"Girl, I'm trying to be nice for once so don't ruin it."
She still didn't look like she trusted me. "I'm good, I don't even want to take that chance right now." She finally sat down on the couch next to me. "Did you actually have something to talk to me about or is this some murder plot?"
I rolled my eyes and scoffed while secretly holding back a laugh. "Bey, please be serious for once in your life. I actually want to talk to you about something."
She folded one of her legs onto the couch so she could completely turn to me and interlocked her fingers on her lap. "Okay, I'm serious. What did you want to talk about?"
I muted the tv and mirrored the way she was sitting before I started speaking. "I had a conversation with Lauren and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I don't think the way I've been treating you since the divorce has been fair to you even if you did fuck up. The moment you told me about Jaylah, I went into self protection mode and the way I've been treating you has sort of been a defense mechanism because you hurt me."
She straitened up her posture and cleared her throat. I could tell she was caught off guard. "This is not the conversation I expected to have today. We've never really talked about the whole situation."
"It's long overdue." It was my fault it took this long. I didn't want to hear it at the time.
"I agree. I don't want to defend what I did but it's kind of similar to what you said, I was hurt too. It sort of felt like you woke up one day out of love and decided you didn't want to be with me anymore. I couldn't for the life of me figure out where I went wrong or what was wrong with me. That was the worst I've been hurt so even when getting back together came up, I couldn't let myself get fully invested incase you up and left again... that's when Jaylah happened."
I hated that that made sense. "It might've felt sudden for you, but it wasn't sudden for me. After Carter, everything changed, including the both of us."
She wasn't being her usual self, she spoke quieter than usual. "Yeah, but it wasn't anything we couldn't have worked out. You could've talked to me. There wasn't anything I wouldn't have done to keep us together."
"I know we could've worked it out, that's why we were talking about getting back together before you fucked up." I realized I was still being defensive so I took a deep breath. "But I could've communicated before we got to the point of divorce and I'm sorry you felt like I kind of just abandoned you and our relationship."
She looked pleased with my apology and nodded. "I'm sorry for not thinking my actions through and crossing a line we couldn't come back from. It wasn't fair to you to agree to work on things and then go do what I did, regardless of how hurt I felt."
"I appreciate that." I'd been waiting to hear that for a while. "I realized that I've sort of become the 'bitter baby mama' and that's not who I want to be. I've been in too much denial about a lot of stuff to properly heal but I'm going to work on that. You don't deserve all the blame because you weren't the only one who had a part in our end- or even the one to initiate it."
Her eyes widened. "I never thought I'd see the day you'd say that. Wow, Onika. That must've been some conversation."
I laughed, "It was. I owe it to you after years of being a bitch to you."
I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'd been holding on to all that tension for years.
"You're such a beautiful woman that I just brush it off. Most of the time."
I rolled my eyes, "Please don't start."
"I'm serious. You know how my mouth gets. I wouldn't be so calm if your rude ass comments weren't coming from such a pretty face."
"Bey, you flirt like you breathe, I can't even take you serious."
"You know I don't lie to you, baby." She playfully winked and we couldn't help but laugh because she was so ridiculous.
It was nice to not have to force myself to hate her.
Our laughter died down and we were left with nothing but silence. We maintained eye contact and I noticed her start to lean in.
I should've stopped her, and I had more than enough time to, but the tiny part in me that wanted to see what was going to happen took over.
I hesitated for a second but the distance between us closed and our lips finally met. I hated how much I loved it. It seemed like no time at all had passed since our last kiss. Our lips knew each other.
I got so lost in the kiss that I almost forgot where I was until her tongue slipping into my mouth brought me back into reality. I quickly broke the kiss because I realized what I was doing.
That was not the right thing to do.
I avoided eye contact and looked down at my lap. "I- you should leave." My mind was racing, and I was still trying to catch my breath.
She ran her hand through her hair, it didn't seem like she expected that to happen any more than I did. "Onika-"
"Please."
"Alright." She stood up, still confused, and left without another word.
I had no clue what to think now.
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Onika?
Bey?
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