ONIKA
My first time ever skipping class was to go to church, as ironic as that was.
The thoughts I had the night before had only been solidified when I woke up to Bey with her arms around me and face right in my chest. It wasn't so much the action, but the way I felt. I knew it wasn't right to be feeling the things I was starting to feel, or the thoughts about her that lingered in the back of my mind.
To make matters worse, my mom called me while I was getting ready and that went as expected. I sort of just lost it. Everything was all getting to me at once and I didn't know how to deal with any of it.
I cried until I started to feel sick, and then I went to the only thing I knew. Church. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, but I still didn't have any answers.
I didn't know what was the right thing to do. I'd never not listened to my parents, but was it wrong to disobey them if like Bey said, I wasn't harming anybody and having innocent fun?
I felt even more confused about Bey than I did about that situation. A big part of me just hoped it was because I never had as good of a friend as Bey, but I didn't think it could be that because I didn't feel the same about Kelly or Robyn. Maybe that was what a best friend was.
It didn't make sense to me why I was thinking those things, but I thought it was best to avoid her until I figured it out. It was harder than I thought, especially when she was sending me texts trying to make things right and apologizing when she didn't do anything.
It seemed like it felt even worse the second day than the last. Along with everything else, I also felt guilty about not talking to Bey. It wasn't fair to just ignore her of my own issues, but I also couldn't face her.
The final straw was Kelly asking me if I was okay in the sweetest tone ever. I completely broke down and when I calmed down enough, I told them everything. Keeping things in was only making things worse for me.
Kelly and Robyn were doing their best to comfort me and help me deal with it all, but Bey just walked in at the right time. I was in the middle of crying about not knowing what to do about her, so tensions were high.
I felt bad, especially since she was practically begging for even a little information. Seeing how upset she got, I knew I couldn't continue things the way they were anymore.
Kelly and Robyn helped coach me on what to say, but then the rest was up to me. I very nervously went back to my room, but Bey wasn't even in there so I had to restlessly sit there on my phone and wait for her to come back.
After about half an hour, I heard the front door quietly open and close so I set my phone down and waited for her. She came in the room like she was trying to creep in and when she noticed me, she looked like she saw a ghost.
I sat up straight and tried to remember everything we practiced. "Can we talk?"
"Uh- yea- sure." She fumbled over her words while trying to close the door. It was my first time ever seeing her seem awkward. I was sitting with my legs crossed so she came over to my bed and leaned by the door. She clearly was trying to stay a respectful distance away after earlier. "What's up?"
"First of all, I just want to apologize for ignoring you. I was dealing with my own stuff but it wasn't fair to just ignore you like that. I'm sorry." That was what I felt worst about so I decided to start with it.
"I care less about you ignoring me and more about why. Did I do something?"
"No, it-" I sighed and avoided eye contact with her. "You did nothing wrong, it was just me needing to deal with and figure out my feelings."
Her eyebrows furrowed. "I don't get why that meant you had to ignore me for two days though. You could be around them and sleep in their room, so why wouldn't you be around me?"
"I was raised a certain way and taught that certain things were wrong, and I guess since being here I started to question things I wasn't prepared to question. It's been really overwhelming and I've just never had a friend like you and... I don't know. I got a little too dependent and comfortable with you, and my mom just amplified everything by a thousand. I got scared and I didn't want to make things worse, but I should've just talked to you." I was too scared to outwardly say it, but I said enough that it was pretty much obvious.
She slowly nodded. "Okay... I think I'm catching on. I guess I can understand that, but I also would've just understood it if you said the same thing two days ago. It's too late to do anything about that now so I guess it doesn't matter. I just wanted to know why, but I can leave it alone from now on until you want to talk about it again. I appreciate you telling me, I know it wasn't easy for you. As long as you're not upset with me, we're good. I was just worried I did something."
"Yeah, I know you were, that's why I felt so bad. You've done nothing but be a nice, genuine person to me."
She softly smiled and then playfully rolled her eyes. "Stop, don't flatter me. More importantly, are you okay? I felt so bad when I saw you crying."
I lazily shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not really sure of anything in my life right now which isn't the best feeling, but I'm okay. I know everything will all work out in the end, God willing."
"It will." She nodded and then moved to her side of the room. "Well, I'll continue to give you space until you figure things out. I just wanted to know why, but I can leave it and you alone from now on until you want to talk about it again."
"I don't want things to be weird between us or for you to feel like I regret getting close to you because that's not the case. I may need a little bit of distance to get my mind together but I don't want us to not talk at all, especially since we live in the same room." That was never what I wanted.
She nodded again. "Okay, just let me know what you want and thats what we'll do."
"Okay." I felt relieved we talked, but it honestly felt a little awkward. She started getting her stuff to shower so I just got on my phone until she went into the bathroom to do so.
When she got out the shower, I had moved so I was under my blanket and leaning against the wall, but I was more aware of her actions than usual and the silence somehow felt even quieter.
It felt like there was a huge elephant in the room and I was starting to get uncomfortable with it, so I decided to make some small talk. "A little birdie told me you have a birthday coming up."
"Yup." She didn't even look at me when she spoke. "We don't have any plans yet but all I know is I'm blacking out."
"Oh!" Blacking out didn't even seem enjoyable.
Honestly, I wasn't even sure if I would still be drinking after the past couple days.
"I might just be talking, but we'll see. I'm definitely getting drunk as fuck though. You'll be invited to whatever but don't feel like you're obligated to come."
"Bey, you don't have to treat me like a fragile puppy now. Nothings changed." That was only making things weirder and I didn't want things to be weird.
"I mean, a little, but I'll try to be normal. Uh..." She stopped to think. "Was that you that cleaned up my wrappers from my desk?"
I softly laughed, "Yeah. I couldn't help myself."
She also laughed and it helped us both relax a little bit. It finally helped allow us have a conversation without all the awkwardness, and I was glad. I missed her.
She eventually left to go talk to her sister and I got snuggled up in my own bed to sleep there for the first time in three days.
Bey didn't say anything else to me when she came back in the room but my busy mind kept me up for a while longer before I could finally go to sleep.
Things weren't perfect, but at least they were slightly better.
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Onika?
Bey?
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