Dear Diary (Harry Potter x reader)

Year 5 Chapter 13: The Fallout And Accompaniment

A/n: Quick warning guys, this and the next few chapters were actually prewritten chapters that I worked on while i was still writing 3rd year... so uh- sorry they might be a bit bad and also might not fit so well.

Harry and Y/n are out of Character :)

Y/n had very quickly realised that she could not possibly get over Harry if she was still spending every moment with him. So, in her very intelligent, very mature, 15-year-old mind, she deemed, the most reasonable, most logical solution was... to completely avoid him.

The first week after the Christmas holidays were... busy. With Y/n being struck with homework, Quidditch practice, her prefect duties, and her classes with Snape, Y/n found it incredibly easy to avoid Harry. In fact, in that week, the fact that Harry and Cho were dating- were they dating? She wasn't sure. They were something- hardly crossed her mind. She preferred it like that of course; she'd rather not risk letting anything slip. However, when the weekend dawned, she had the sudden realisation that there was no avoiding it anymore.

She had finished all her homework, Angelica hadn't booked the quidditch pitch for practice that weekend- so Ravenclaw had booked it meaning Y/n couldn't even practise there, she didn't have any prefect duties to do (though she had offered), Angel was doing his own prefect work, Fred and George were busy selling and creating their less then legal wares, Fawn and Sable were sticking with Maia because, well, Y/n told her to, Maia and her weren't allowed to so much as breathe the same air anymore and Snape had refused any more classes that week after Y/n had almost hexed herself with an awfully strong Bat Bogy Hex. This left her with no other option than to spend time with the trio. And whilst she loved them all dearly-they were her best friends, why wouldn't she love them? - after what she saw the day before the Holidays, she feared she wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut about her true feelings. And that, above all else, feared her- more than Umbridge, more than Voldemort's progressive and inevitable rise to power, more than the risk of the wrong side discovering her abilities, more than the futures she'd seen through vast glimpses or sleepless nights- no, what feared her the most were her feelings.

The fact they could never be requited, not whilst Harry was with Cho, not whilst Harry and she were friends, not in any timeline where they both existed- though she supposed they couldn't exactly be requited in one where one of them didn't exist either- not whilst they were at school and Harry had to focus on his own fears of Voldemort... not while Y/n had to keep such a huge secret from him- from everyone. She feared how her feelings twisted in knots, feared how every day they grew more tangled, like constellations in her mind- like devil's snare, reaching out until they strangled her, pulling her deeper and deeper into their grasp until they swallowed her whole- until she was no more- she feared the fact she'd let them, that she wanted them to. But, worst of all, she feared that she didn't truly understand them, that she couldn't understand them.

Y/n always thought herself to be clever, logic dictates such- even when her subconscious says otherwise, even when her parents say otherwise- she had top marks in all her classes, and her teachers and classmates say as such, so of course she must be smart. There's nothing in existence she cannot figure out with a bit of light research whether into the universe or with a book- if not with those she likely could figure it out with a simple glance. It's how she learned what was wrong with her sister, how she'd instantly known what Hermione had meant by 'pipes', how she'd realised so quickly Harry was about to poison himself, how she knew for a fact that Moody wasn't who he said he was, how she'd learnt the dark and unfortunate truth about her Great-Grandparents, about their upbringings', about their bloodlines and about what they'd done.