Silent Attention [COMPLETED]

11. Dangerous

    Despite Shelly's attempts, I had been in a funk all day. I wasn't feeling down and out, I just wasn't, I don't know. I felt like a mid life crisis was about to start and I was reading the first page. Normally I would have gone out with Shelly again, or we would have hung out or done something. She always kept me busy, so all this time with nothing to look forward to was wearing on me. I tried reading one of my favorite authors, Katarina Tonks, but even her witty satire wasn't doing it for me. I could usually get buried in her story line, but my mind was elsewhere.

    A little after seven, I gave up and donned some yoga pants and an open arm t-shirt. I haven't been running in a few months and it felt strange putting on my old nikes. If I didn't wear myself out, my rapid thoughts would keep me up tonight.

    My feet hit the pavement at a steady pace. Only two blocks in and my breathing became heavy. I could hear my lungs fill over the music pounding into my ears. Dangerous by Big Data fit my mood right now. Not chipper but not sad either. I came to a cross walk and had to stop to wait for the walking man to light up. I bent down and put my hands on my legs trying to catch my breath. Some weirdo in a hoodie was leaning against the light post. I could feel his eyes on me and glanced over to him. Shadows hid his face but I caught a glimpse of a lip ring over full pink lips.

    The walking man lit up white and I was off again pounding my feet into the concrete. I ran until it became a slow jog. Then when my jog wasn't keeping up with people walking, I turned back around and headed back to my apartment. Normally, I would take a route that formed a giant square, but this time I had ran straight from my apartment, like I was running away from my emotions. My mind had told my body to escape and we had ran for a good twenty minutes. I knew the walk back would take me twice as long. I didn't bring any water with me and my throat was scorched from the air.

    I checked my phone and had a text from Shelly, "You sure you don't want to go? last chanceeeee."

    I wasn't even in the mood to reply. Drinking tonight would not be a good thing. I tried to think back to when I first started feeling like this. First started being this person, the one who sits on the side lines damn near a hermit. I went out, I just didn't talk to new people anymore. Shelly was being a true best friend and sticking by me when I wasn't that fun to hang out with. I want to say it all started with that jack ass of an ex. He had broken my trust and I hated him. I hated me, for not keeping his attention, like I wasn't good enough for him, so I wouldn't be good enough for anyone else. It's normal to be upset after a breakup, but I know I should be well over it by now. Even so, something extra was odd about me.

    I must be losing it. I was back at my apartment and threw my keys down. I locked the door behind me and headed straight for the shower. I had planned on taking a normal, short shower, but ended up sitting, letting the shower spray pelt my neck and back while I curled my arms around my legs and rested my head on my knees. I wasn't crying, I didn't even feel like it. I just felt numb. My run must have worked too well because all of my thoughts had been cleared away into nothingness. I know this is what the Buddhists like to do, but I wasn't one of them.

    When the water grew cold, I got out. I wasn't ready for bed yet, but I put on pj's, consisting of a baggy shirt and boy cut shorts. Mindlessness was best paired with mindlessness, so I threw myself down on the couch and flipped through the channels, settling on some weird B movie. My phone buzzed and I picked it up, expecting it to be Shelly, begging for me to go out with her. My eyebrows scrunched together when I saw it was from A.

   
So I have been writing up a storm this weekend on this story. I know who I want this story to end, But I'm not to sure if I want to go there. But I can say this, it is getting soo goood. Like the kind of thing that makes you want to squeal and keep reading at the same time. Ugh, double update today.