Silent Attention [COMPLETED]

34. I can drive a stick

"You know how to drive a stick?"  As long as she was talking, then I knew she was breathing fine.  The thing about Xanax and alcohol is, they are both depressants.  They depress the nervous system, slowing down its function.  And you know what the nervous system does?  Everything.  It controls your breathing, heart rate, muscle function, kidneys liver, intestines.  Its like the wiring in anything electronic.  If the wiring doesn't work, neither does the electronic.  See why I am a little freaked out now.

"I bet I could drive your stick, no probs."  She squeezed my thigh and I had to put my hand on top of hers, pry her fingers off and set it back on her side of the car.

"Gemma, as much as I would love to do anything with you right now, we need to get you to bed."

She pouted again and slid down in the seat, crossing her arms over her chest.  When she didn't speak for a few minutes I nudged her.

"Stop jerk."

Yep still alive.  We got to her place in one piece.  Gemma slept most of the way.  I parked at my building next door.  I had my own parking garage and wouldn't have to worry about scratches or dings. 

I picked her up and carried her into her complex.  She stayed asleep the whole way.  I was thankful that the elevator was finally fixed.  It only took me paying for it, and calling to set up the repairs.  I had to squat down with Gemma in my arms and push the button.  But the real task was getting into her apartment.  I couldn't just walk in.  I didn't want to be caught on camera.  I didn't want anyone at the company to know that I had stopped at a girls house to play nurse. 

I tried to jostle her awake.  "Gemma.  Wake up, you're home."  She stirred but went limp again.  "Gemma you want to drive now?"

She lifted her head up, raising her eyebrows but unable to open her eyes.  "Sure, Keys?"

"I left them in your apartment."  She moved her legs off of my arm and I bent down to help her out.  I held her still and opened door for her, quickly moving out of the door frame and pressed my back to the wall.  Gemma stumbled, letting the wall hold her up until she got to the key pad.  She typed in the code and the system beeped, turning the keypad from red to green.

"Keys?"

"In your bedroom, help me find them?"  I walked in and locked the door behind me.  I took off my shoes and sprinted over to Gemma, slumped against the wall.  I picked her up again and carried her through the dark to her bedroom.  I set her on the bed, then flicked on the light.  When I turned around Gemma was laid out, arms above her head and feet still on the floor.  Her clutch was gripped tightly in her hands.

I walked over to her and took of her shoes, moving her legs one at a time onto the bed.  I pulled her up to her pillow to make her more comfortable, and set her clutch down on the bedside table.  I went over to the other side of the bed and laid down.  As much as I wanted to fall asleep, I needed to stay up and watch her, make sure she continued to breath regularly. 

I shook her, "Gemma, where are your pills?  Gemma?"

"Bathrooommm."

I got up and went to her sink, then looked under the counter and through her drawers.  When I didn't find anything, I looked in the mirror at myself.  What the fuck was I doing?  Sometimes I wonder how I had let myself get this far.  Then I wonder how far I was willing to go.  I had her.  I had her in the room next to me, drugged.  I could take her if I wanted.  However I wanted.  But all I wanted was for her to want me.  And she can't do that if she was unconscious.  I went to turn off the light and noticed a mirror on that wall too, but that one wasn't flush with the wall.  I pulled on the edge and it opened up.

I didn't know people still had medicine cabinets.  I found her bottle among others and read the label.  Xanax 2 mg.  Take one as needed for anxiety attacks and sleep.  That was the highest strength she could have gotten.  I put the pills back and went back to her room, laying down on her bed. 
I set an arm behind my head and the other on my chest.  I crossed my ankles and thought about why Gemma would need help sleeping.  Why she would need something for anxiety.  What did she have to worry about?  I took care of everything for her.  Even things she didn't think she needed.  I had read the date on the bottle.  It was a day after I had given her the bear.  I remember that day perfectly.  It was the day I almost quit her, but then she jogged by me, and I knew, I knew I couldn't.

Maybe I'm the one that has done this too her.  Maybe I'm the one to blame.  I couldn't stand the thought of making her this way.  But I can't quit her.  I can't anymore.  I'm in too deep.  I knew if I got close I would ruin her, and it looks like I have already started.  My thoughts were interrupted by Gemma, rolling over to me.  "I can drive a stick." she muttered in her sleep.  I chuckled under her and the vibrations from my chest shook her body.  I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close.  Her hand fell on my chest and started making slow circles.  I closed my eyes for a moment and tried my best to memorize her touch.