Silent Attention [COMPLETED]

13. Attacked

I changed my locks.  There was no way he could get in with a key while I was home.  I always had the deadbolt and the chain on.  Was it on now?  My heart thundered in my chest while I took cautious steps to my front door.  It was locked, I could see it from the living room.  I checked each and every window.  All locked.  I don't feel safe anymore in my home.  My breaths came shallow and fast.  My chest hurt.  Oh my god, I'm having a heart attack!  I called Shelly, fumbling with the touch screen.  I'm going to die, this is it.  When it finally starts to ring I find a corner and put my back to it, keeping my eyes wide.  By the fourth and final ring, I was crying. Full on sobs hinder my ability to speak.  I don't know if anything got out that was coherent, but I left Shelly a voicemail. I texted her, fighting to see through my watering eyes and my shaking fingers. "Come over now.  It's an emergency."

The pain in my chest is still there. It hadn't gotten any worse though.  I forced myself to breath.  My ribs ached from the tightness.  I started to feel nauseous and grit my teeth to hold the reflex down.  After a few minutes my phone rang, Shelly. Thank god.

"He-hello?"  I can hear music bumping the in background, but it wasn't quite so loud.  She must be in the bathroom or something.

"Wassupp?  You okay?"  I can tell just by those few words she is drunk.  She usually drinks more when I'm not there to steal her drinks.

"I th-think I just ha-had a p-p-panic attack."

"Why?"

"The s-st-stalker was in my a-a-apartment.  He le-left me a t-t-teddy bear." I fought out in between sobs and forced breaths.

"Fuck Gemma, I'm on my way right now."  That must have sobered her up.  "I'm going to call a cab, then call you back okay?  Start packing an overnight bag, you can spend the night with me.  I'll come get you.  Shit I can't believe this is still happening.  I'll call you right back okay?"

"Kay."

Hot tears were streaming down my face when she hung up the phone.  I wish I could just call the cops, but so far, this guy hadn't posed a threat.  I stared at my walls.  I had been handling this so well up until today.  I hadn't even freaked out half as much when he rolled around in my bed.  Something was wrong with me.  Wrong with my head. 

I could feel my chest tighten again and the pain was coming back.  I couldn't move.  It felt like if I moved, it would cause immense pain.  I was supposed to be packing a bag right now, because I wasn't safe in my own home.  My phone rang.  Shelly was calling me back.  I didn't want to answer it, because just breathing deep enough to get enough air through my vocal cords was too painful.  I forced myself.  One word at a time.

"Hello."  It came out as a whisper, it was the most I could muster right now.

"I'm on my way right now.  Payed the cabbie extra to get me there in ten.  You going to be okay until I get there?"

"No."

"No?!  Is he there now?  What's going on?"

"I need. a. hospital."

"Are you hurt? Did he hurt you?"  Shelly was freaking out and practically yelling.

"No. p-panic a-attack."  I heard a loud whoosh of breath go over the mouth piece and I knew it was one of relief.

"Just breath, slow deep breaths. Listen to the sound of my voice.  The words that I am saying okay."  I didn't say anything and tried to focus on my breathing again.  Shelly's voice took on a calm effect.  "So tonight I went to the new club.  The one we went to last night."  I could tell she was super excited, but was saying the words slowly, kinda dully.  "It was sorta boring at first, but by the third drink, I spotted a super hunk of a guy.  You would be so proud of me, that is how good looking he is.  He was with a male friend who wasn't bad looking either, but I had my eyes set on the hunk.  I strutted over to them, watching him as I made my way through the crowd.  The closer I got, the better he looked.  When I got to him, his friend had left and before I could say a word, he pulls me to him and we start dancing.  Not the normal kind either, the kind where you are practically dry humping each other on the dance floor.  Once the song is over, He leads me by the hand away from the crowd.  We start talking and he doesn't give me any b.s. lines.  He says he has never been approached by a girl like I did.  I saw what I wanted and went for it.  He really wanted to get to know me better and we exchanged numbers.  That is when I saw your text and had to leave my wet dream out on the dance floor to call you from the bathroom.  Now open up your door you cock blocking bitch.  I'm here." click.

Her story had pulled my mind away from me long enough for me to get calmed down enough to move.  I was still a nervous wreck.  My body was shaking like an epileptic and my legs were weak like a tween at a beiber concert.  I made my way to the door hugging the walls and anything in sight to help hold me up.  Everything was so hard to do.  My movements were slow like the air was made of tar.  Once I got the door open, I just stopped.  Stopped everything.  Stopped standing, stopped breathing, stopped seeing, stopped thinking.

For those of you who have had a panic attack, you are not alone!!  It's crazy what these chemicals in your brain can make you feel, make you do.  The scariest part, is it's all in your head.  The chemicals mix in the wrong way, not getting enough of one and too much of another and sets your brain into a panic, forcing your body to react. 
this chapter is for those of who have felt something similar, or who still struggle like I do to keep control.
Fuck you serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine!  and all the other small ones that play a part.