Motion (Sequel to "Collide")

CHAPTER SIXTY SIX

February 10th, 1994

Dear Diary,

Today is one of those days when writing in here is mandatory if I want to remain sane.

Michael is having his first surgery tonight, and though I trust Carl with his life, I can't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong. I guess that's the downside of being a doctor. No matter how many times Carl and I have studied the procedure, there's still this voice inside my head reminding me that this surgery has never been performed before in this timeline.

There could be complications neither of us knows how to prevent. I'll never forgive myself if something goes wrong.

And then there's the fact that I deliberately chose not to tell Michael about Hayden's relapse.

I know how that sounds. Making that decision for him is wrong. But Michael is already terrified of what the pain might do to his recovery, and the last thing he needs is to find out that the man who helped him believe sobriety was possible has started drinking again.

He would overthink it. Of course he would. He would start questioning his own recovery, his ability to stay sober, and everything we've worked so hard for.

I can't let that happen. Not before the surgery.

Michael keeps asking about Hayden, and all I tell him is that everything is under control—which isn't entirely a lie.

After our argument by the lake, Natalie and I contacted Hayden's sponsor. I explained what happened, and he went to the cabin that same day. He's been going back ever since. Sometimes, he brings one or two people Hayden knows from his meetings with him.

Hayden lets them in, but he barely speaks.

His sponsor calls me after every visit. He doesn't tell me what happens inside the cabin, and I don't ask him to. All he says is that Hayden is quiet, stubborn, and determined to pretend he doesn't need anyone.

Then he tells me the same thing every time.

"He won't let me in yet, but I'll keep showing up until he does."

Natalie makes sure they have food and anything else Hayden might need. His sponsor makes sure he isn't completely alone. And I stay here, pretending that arranging all of it from a distance is the same as being there for my brother.

It isn't.

I've only gone to the cabin once since our argument. I didn't knock. I couldn't bring myself to face him after everything he said about Michael and LaToya—or after the way he made me question whether I had ever truly been his sister at all.

So I left a photograph outside his door. It was one of the two of us and Andy, taken before any of this happened, on Faraji's birthday. We were happy. I wanted him to remember that feeling.

He hasn't called. I don't even know whether he kept it.

I keep telling myself that I have every right to be angry. That I don't have to forgive him before I'm ready. But I also can't forget what happened when I touched him that day. Sometimes, remembering that cold ripping through me is enough to send another shiver down my spine.

I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. That it was only some bizarre physical reaction to everything that happened between us... But I'm not doing a very good job of convincing myself.

But I need to focus on Michael and getting him through tonight.

Once I know he's safe, I'll go back to the cabin. I don't know whether I'll be ready to forgive Hayden, but I'm determined to get him better.