Little white lies

Chapter 20

Hi babes.

I'm sorry for the late update but this is a pretty sad chapter and I just couldn't write the whole chapter at first.

Enjoy this chapter sweeties ily

xoxo C.

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Louis' pov

It's been 5 days since I got the text about Harry.. I'm worried sick about him. I don't even know if he's still alive for all I know he killed himself almost a week ago.

It's 2 in the morning and all I can think about is how badly I want him at this moment. I want him in my bed and I want his arms wrapped around me. I want to feel his heartbeat against my skin, I want to clutch onto his shirt and never let him go.

I want to tell him how sorry I am for hurting him. I never wanted to... I love him so much and I need him, but I can't have him right now.

I wonder why he's not coming back here if he's still alive. Does he not realise how Matthew is breaking him even more? Does he not want to be fixed? I let out a deep sigh and decide to get out of bed knowing I won't fall asleep.

I have been miserable since the day he left.. The part what's killing me the most is not knowing if he's okay the only thing I know is that he cuts his wrist and thighs open and no one is stopping him from doing it. They just let him, they don't care if he isn't here anymore.

I need to get him back, but I don't know how.. I don't know where he is and maybe he isn't even alive anymore. Only the thought of my Harry being gone breaks me. I let out a loud sob "I miss you so much Harry."

I hear a knock at my door. It's like 2 in the morning who the fuck is at my door.. I quickly wipe away my tears and open the door revealing a sleepy Niall. "What are you doing here?" He walks past me, "I was worried about you Lou.. we all are." We sit down on the couch. "besides the fact that my boyfriend probably killed himself I'm perfectly fine."

I hear Niall sigh, "I know you miss him Louis, but we can't do anything... We'll go looking for him as soon as we find out where he is but for now we just need to stay strong. It's going to be okay."

"You don't get it! It's not going to be okay! The person I love most is somewhere feeling so depressed that he wants to kill himself and he's surrounded by people who don't give a single fuck if he actually did it. I love him, Niall. You don't fucking understand. It's not going to be okay stop telling me this bullshit!"

Niall winces at my harsh words but I don't care everyone keeps telling me that It's going to be okay but it's not. Nothing is okay about this situation.

"I'm just trying to help... " I close my eyes trying to calm myself down. "I'm sorry Niall, but I just.. I love him so much and I can't deal with the fact that he left..."

I let out a deep sigh when I suddenly hear my phone buzz, I immediately get up to read the text.

there are multiple pictures of a...letter?

I start reading the letter Niall sitting right next to me.

This is it...

It's sort of my suicide letter, but no one will be interested in this so I'm writing it for myself I guess. There's a bottle of pills standing next to me, I locked myself in the bathroom so no one can stop me from finally ending it all. I know I'm weak but If I'm gone the stars will still shine and the sun will still rise so I don't see why I should stay... It's not like anyone's going to miss me.

I'm done with feeling broken and alone. This is going to be my third time trying... The first time is about 2 years ago now... and the second time was one year ago. I was so unhappy and I didn't see any reason to live anymore even when I woke up from my second attempt. I still felt empty and emotionally drained. I still didn't want to live... That was until I met him. The boy with the most beautiful blue eyes and the brightest smile ever seen. I fell for him... I fell for the way his eyes crinkle when he has a genuine smile, I fell for his stupid jokes and his terrible cooking skills. I fell for his sweet words and comforting cuddles.

But I lost him...

I miss his kisses, I miss staring into his eyes till we both burst out in giggles. I miss the way he would watch stupid movies with me just so I would be happy. I miss our phone calls in the middle in the night just because we wanted to hear each others voice, I miss the way he would brush his fingers trough my hair till I fell asleep. I miss him...

But I fucked up and now he doesn't want me anymore. I hope he's happy with someone else, someone who is almost as beautiful as himself. Someone better than me.

I want to write so much more about him, but then I would sit here for at least another week and I can't take that. I wish I could call him to say goodbye, but Matt took my phone 'to help me forget'.

I swallowed the first few pills only a few to go. This is it. This is my goodbye.

And if you're somehow reading this... I love you Louis, More than I could ever show you and I'm sorry for that.

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