Rupture // h.s au

34. "Stop."

Harry

The weight laid upon my shoulders grew heavier, with every funeral I had to witness. With every man, woman, or child I had to watch sinking under layers of dirt, knowing that in weeks, there would be nothing left except for a pile of unrecognizable bones, and a consistent ache.

With every breaking parent, that was never meant to be the one burying their own child. With every sobbing woman, who had lost her husband, and had to pull through, for her orphaned children. With every scream, tear, whimper. With the repetitive grief, the familiar loss, the weight on my shoulder intensified, until I almost couldn't carry it.

I said a few words of condolence in every funeral, holding my head high, keeping my heavy shoulders straight, attempting to be the leader I should have been all along. I could see the accusation in all the sad eyes I dared to meet. I could almost see their fingers struggling to remain by their sides, instead of pointing towards me. I heard all they were unable to say.

This is your fault.

We lost him because of you.

I will never forgive you.

Why, Harry?

It should have been you.

One week later, with Zayn insisting upon attending at least the last one, we had buried the last of the twenty three men we lost that day. I had done nothing other than attend funerals, go on raids, and go on patrols. I hadn't gotten any sleep all through the week, giving up after the first restless night, deciding that busying myself was easier than living through another nightmare. I couldn't remember the last meal I had. I was absolutely drained, as I walked back towards my room, returning from another successful raid. For some reason, living as if nothing had changed didn't feel right. It was like, I couldn't sleep, or eat, or even smile a little, because she wasn't here anymore and that too, was my fault. It all felt wrong, so incredibly wrong. Like, somehow, I was betraying the little time we spent together, deceiving the grief that I was meant to dwell in for the rest of my life.

" Where are you headed, mate?" I tilted my head to the side, to find Louis walking by my side, his blue eyes sparkling foolishly under the moonlight.

" I don't know, I'll go on rounds I think."

" Again?" He sighed deeply, and I knew I was about to receive another one of his lectures.

" Not this shit again, Louis."

" Let me do the rounds, you need some rest, Harry."

" I'm fine."

" Yeah, I heard you the first one hundred times."

" Yet, you never stop asking."

" Because you're not."

" I am."

" Harry, don't think I don't see what's happening. I've seen it since she went away."

" Don't, Louis."

" No, Harry, you go on raids, and you put yourself on the fucking line and it scares the living hell out of me. You used to fight for yourself, fight for your life, now you just- you just put it out there and wait for them to take it. You almost crave getting killed, Harry, what the hell happened?"

" Nothing happened, I just don't see the point anymore."

" In what?!" He screamed, his steps quickening, high on rage.

" In this. In all of this shit. In me."

" What does that even mean?"

" Why am I here and they aren't? Why wasn't I killed? Why did she have to stand up for me, fading herself away in the process? What makes me so fucking special?"

" So what, you decide to kill yourself, because you survived before? How will your death fix anything?"

" Maybe it'll balance things out. Maybe then, the Gods will stop their revenge and be less angry at us, and the world would make a bit more sense." I was unfazed by it all, unaffected by his rage, along with many other things. I had gone completely unfeeling.

" So you're what's wrong with the goddamn world?"

" Maybe I am." I shrugged weakly. He stood in front of me, holding me by the shoulders.

" Listen here, you bloody son of a bitch, the world is going to hell whether you're here or not. Don't flatter yourself, the Gods, or whatever, aren't worried about little, old you. You don't matter that much for the big ones up there. You do matter to a few of us down here, and there is no way in hell that I'm letting you waste yourself away, not on my fucking watch, Harry, you hear me?" My cold, hard, eyes, remained fixated upon his own, hiding away all possible responses.

" Do you fucking hear me, Harry?" He roared, shaking me as if in hopes of somehow ridding me of whatever it was that had possessed me.

" Let me go, Louis." I hissed, through gritted teeth.

" Fucking listen to me!" He directed a punch to my right cheek, throwing me off, but I was quick to recollect myself.

" I won't fight you, Louis."

" Yes, you will." Another punch was directed to my good cheek, before a kick to my stomach, caused me to stumble backwards.

" Stop it!" I yelled, red invading my sight, my blood boiling with rage, as my hand defensively delivered a punch to Louis' nose. I heard the sound of bones breaking, but I was too far gone to analyze what was happening. I was absolutely fuming, as I hit Louis on one cheek, then on the other. My arm twirled around his neck, holding him so that he couldn't move, and bringing him to the ground.

" I can't breathe." He choked out, but I had forgotten who he was, I had forgotten what I was fighting for. I couldn't see past the fury devouring me, inside, out.

" Stop fucking trying to analyze me. Stop fucking acting like you know shit, when you don't. Stop fucking acting like you care, because nobody should ever care. Do you fucking hear me? Stop!" With every hateful word going past my lips, a hit was delivered to Louis, who was now spitting out blood, coughing aggressively. My eyes widened in realization, as it all dawned on me. This was Louis. My best friend. What have I done?

" Oh God. Oh my God, Louis, I'm-" He held a bloody hand up to stop me, bending on his side, to cough out more blood.

" Do you- do you need me to take you to Rick?" He shook his head, as I stood to my feet, unable to believe the amount of damage I brought upon him. I thought I heard Niall's voice coming from a distance, followed by rushed steps, before he fell beside the bleeding Louis.

" What the hell happened here?" He questioned, looking between the mute Louis, and myself.

" I- I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I rushed away from them, and all that I had done. And I found myself running to my mum's house, for the first time since that day, knocking once, before she opened the door. Her eyes widened slightly, maybe I looked as bad as I felt. Good.

" You were right, I was wrong. I am so fucking tired, mum, I don't know what I'm doing." Once my eyes settled on her, taking her in, I realized just how much I had missed her. I realized how easily I could have lost her too. I realized how vulnerable I was when it came to her.

And suddenly, all my supposed composure had faded, all masks had fallen, all walls had collapsed, and I began to cry. Slowly, silently, at first, then it overwhelmed me, devoured me whole, stripped me of all signs of strength, as I fell apart into my mother's arms.

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A/N: aw harry :(((((

you people are absolutely mad, you actually got this story to 13k reads, thank you so so much, maybe we should aim for 15k by the next update?

by the way, these goals we set don't constrain my updates, like even we don't reach 15k, I'll still update in a timely manner, I wouldn't put any conditions to update for you guys :)

so enjoy and let me know what you think, ily x