Rupture // h.s au

"It's just a day."

Autumn

" Another one, mommy!" Marianne exclaimed, opening her eyes right as I went to leave the bed.

" No, no way. We agreed this would be the last story for the night."

" But mommy, I can't sleep yet. You promised that you wouldn't stop talking until I fell asleep." She batted those long lashes at me and I was a goner.

" Alright, fine. One more story but then if you're not asleep, I will tell you one less story tomorrow night." She squealed, laid back down and put her hands beneath her head, prepared to actually try to sleep this time. I put my fingers through her hair, gently massaging her head as I told her the story of the costume party when I'd admittedly fallen in love with her father. She was five years old now and she was everything we'd ever wished for her and more. She was smart, kind, giving, and strong in the best ways. She loved so hard and so loud. It still blew my mind a little that she considered me deserving of all that love.

Things were looking up all around. There was a direct, cultivated road between the bureaucrats' camp and the chaotics', that made it easier for Liam and I to move back and forth between camps when we needed to. We chose a team of five to take over leadership and we went there once a month for reports and updates. We'd found a home for us in this camp though, a family that we weren't willing to be without for any longer than we absolutely needed to. The chaotics' camp wasn't what it used to be either; things were running smoothly now that supplies weren't as scarce. People weren't starving or dying of unknown diseases. Houses weren't collapsing on top of their owners because they'd figured out alternative material to use for the foundations. Weapons weren't available in large quantities because they were very scarcely needed nowadays. Sure, we were still nowhere close to where we once used to be before the end of the world, but we were closer now than we were a few years ago. We were doing everything we possibly could to give our daughter all we didn't have and more.

Once Marianne started snoring softly, I kissed her cheek, before going into the bathroom to shower. It'd been a long day; I had night rounds yesterday then a shift with Rick at the clinic. Then, I came home to Raine babysitting Marianne after her self-defense class, since Harry had a meeting with Louis regarding the new temperature-controlled storage facility that they were working on for all foods and drinks and medications in need of specific conditions to last. I made us all some dinner, then when Raine left for her shift on the tower, I put Marianne to sleep - which took longer than expected of course because she was one stubborn little girl.

I let the warm water slide against my skin, uncoil all the knots formed pretty much everywhere. I had my eyes closed, a hand massaging my tight neck. I was suddenly feeling the weight of the day and it was a heavy. It was the anniversary of my mother's passing. It had been years, I should be less fazed by it, more in control of my feelings. And ever since we had Marianne, I forced myself to do just that; to be her joyful, excitable, collected mommy as long as she was there to see it. I refused to let the ghosts of my own past haunt her. I wouldn't let this grief take me over, not when I had her to live for. To be better for. But she was asleep now, and I had nowhere to run. No one else to be okay for. So, I slipped further away from being a mom, and let myself be the devastated daughter who could never move past her mother's loss.

The more time I had with Marianne, the more I missed my own mother. I knew that she would never get to see this little girl grow up. She didn't even get to see the person that I fought to become. Or the incredible man that Liam turned out to be. He was so young back then, she didn't even know him at all. She didn't know about Harry, how he gave me something I didn't know how to be without. He cracked me wide open, filled in all the gaping holes dug by my abusive father and all the horridness I witnessed because of him. He dove deep into my soul, pushed past all the arrogance and the stubbornness and the selfishness until he found me. He found a version of me that I didn't believe I was capable of being. Someone that was long lost to me. And he loved every version of me he found along the way. He never stopped. And my mother had never been loved like that. Would never know that a love like this could survive a world that very little could.