Rupture // h.s au

57. "Is that why?"

Autumn

I was carrying a sleeping Raine in my arms, after she had tired herself down, firing the gun then running around the empty space and attempting to play hide and seek. We ended up letting her hide without really seeking. She just had too much energy and we couldn't keep up, until finally, she fell asleep on one of the old tires, and I couldn't help but stare a bit before taking her into my arms.

Harry had an arm around my waist, pulling me to him a bit, in fear of my body giving out under the added weight. It took a lot out of me at first, to not flinch when his touch came, to ease into it and allow myself to be supported by him. Then it got easier, until it almost felt like Harry's arm was part of my own body, like Harry was somehow a part of me, and not a completely separate being.

" Is that why? Why you didn't kill that man back at your camp? Why you didn't try to fight back when they cornered you at your old house?" Harry spoke, his breath tickling through my hair, as I laid my head onto his shoulder. It warmed me, despite the obnoxious chill running down my spine at the unwelcomed memories.

" It was a lot of things. I didn't really want to fight back. I was scared if I started killing, then I- I would never stop. And I already have too much blood on my hands, Harry, too many losses on my conscious. I didn't think I'd handle any more." He was silent, although, his hands ran up and down the length of my arm, almost consoling me. Once again, I was surprised by how easily I'd allowed it, when it felt like all hands meant harm, all touches meant to burn, to break. But never his.

" Liam told me, you know. About your house; how you didn't go in there since- since everything happened."

" No. I didn't."

" Do you think you would have gone there if- if it hadn't been for my mom?"

" I don't think I would have gone there if it hadn't been for you, no."

His feet slowly came to a stop, the wind carrying the dust around us, almost burying us under. He put his hands on my shoulders, and I prayed to God I wouldn't flinch or pull away. I did tremble, only a little, and if he noticed, then he didn't comment on it at all. He angled me so that I would be facing him. Eyes colliding, Raine's sleeping figure the only barrier keeping our bodies from doing the same.

" Me?" He whispered, like he couldn't possibly be worthy, like he couldn't believe he'd ever mean so much to anyone. To me.

" Yes, Harry. You. My old self wouldn't have bothered. I didn't go in there not because I was scared, not really, but because I didn't care. I had left a little, scared child behind. I left her in there. And I didn't need her, didn't think she mattered, not until you came around and you- you felt everything so deeply, sometimes, too fucking deeply, Harry, I envied you. I wished- I wished I could feel anything, towards you, for you. I wanted to feel you the way you deserved to be felt. Slowly, you began to crack through that enraged, destructive, version of myself. You stripped it away, one layer at a time. And when I went into that house, I figured it would be the last milestone to return to any human version of myself I'd ever been. I thought, I'd either break and shatter and wallow in all I had buried deep inside, or I'd recoil into that shell of a person and just- snap."

" But you didn't." He smiled then, although, his eyes were exceptionally sparkling, and I had a feeling it wasn't simply the moonlight's effect. I nodded, releasing a sigh, and attempting to get any of what was roaming within me out.

" No. I didn't. I would have, probably, if you hadn't come back for me. God knows where I would have ended up then."

" I couldn't leave you. Couldn't do it. And it wasn't because of my mother. It wasn't that at all."

" Then what was it?" My voice trembled, and so did the rest of my body, but I willed myself to remain composed. To take whatever he'd throw at me. To be strong, for once in my goddamn life and face it.

" I just thought I'd go home and get mom better, and then I'd return to an empty room, and clothes that smelled like you, and a ruined bed that just won't stand properly again. I thought- I'd wake up to that bed, every single day, and it would feel too big, or too cold, because there's always been a warmth to you. I'd wear clothes that wouldn't fit. I'd walk down roads where I'd kissed you, or talked to you, or laughed with you, and you wouldn't be there. I'd meet people who'd met you, and I'd see the marks of your presence. I'd see Raine, and it would just be too much. And I couldn't do it. Couldn't spend the rest of my life thinking about where in the world you were, or what you had done, or what had been done to you. Couldn't live with myself, knowing that I'd have to do it without you. I was too selfish. I loved you too much."

I didn't know if my heart was breaking or mending. I didn't know if the butterflies had flown away from my stomach and into my chest. I didn't know if my heart was beating too fast or too slow. I didn't know anything, but something was hitting against my ribcage, and it felt like it would cut me right open.

" Thank you, Harry."

There was too much to thank him for, too much to say. I had to thank him for saving my life time and time again. For letting me stay at his room, and giving me and my brother a home. For defending me and protecting me, even when I hadn't given him any reason to. For loving me, when I hated myself, when he had every reason to hate me too. For coming back for me. For saying what he said to me. For being the person that he was. For being the presence I needed in my life. For allowing me to love him too. There was so much, too much, but from the look in his eyes, and the small step he took to lay his arms on my waist, I knew he understood. He always did.

He leaned in, and he almost kissed me. Almost broke that last shield he'd put between us. But he didn't. Instead, his lips fell onto my forehead, planting a kiss, then another. And really, I couldn't complain. Then, he pulled me back to his side, and continued his walk towards camp. And if I breathed in a bit too deeply in an attempt to take in his scent, then that was my business. And if I sometimes planted kisses to where my head laid on him, then no one could blame me either.

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A/N: Hey guys, this is the longest we've gone without an update so I apologize for that, but we now have 80k reads on this story and I honestly have no words to thank you enough, but thank you so very much.

The next update is.... intense, to say the least. So I'll try not to take too long with it :)

Until then, let me know what you think of this, it motivates me to write more and it makes me generally happy!

ily x