Rupture // h.s au

67. I came undone.

Autumn

It took me hours to be able to move away from the room that despite all the blood and sweat and tears, still smelled like him. I looked down upon the hand that he'd held, and he wasn't there, but I could still feel him. I swore I could still feel him everywhere he'd ever touched. So I didn't move. I couldn't. Because I waited for him to somehow come back in through that door and hold me and beg me not to let go. Tell me that he couldn't leave because he'd left too many times before. Tell me that he loved me and he wanted to be right there with me, despite everything tearing us away from each other. I'd like to think I would have been able to kindly watch him go again. Although, everything inside me ached in denial of the mere thought. I probably would have just given in.

Soldiers lined up outside the door, as I willed my feet to take me away from this place, and to not give out on me, despite the weakness clawing at my bones. I felt like a deflated balloon; like I was losing air, losing stamina, and soon I'd crash into the ground, completely and utterly empty of everything. My eyes were casted upon my wobbly legs, counting exactly how many steps I'd have to take to leave all of Harry behind. I didn't think there would ever be a number large enough, a road long enough.

Finally though, I heard Liam's consistent cries, and used them to drown out Harry's whispered goodbye. I opened the door to his room, and he was laying in bed, with his head on his knees, and his figure trembling with another thing I couldn't protect him from. Niall sat beside him, with a helpless frown on his features, and his arms crossed against his chest, as if to stop him from touching Liam to console him.

His eyes fell on my own and their blue reminded me so much of Louis, whose brown hair brought back memories of long, brown, hair locks that I could still feel between my fingers. I looked down upon them and there was nothing there. The spaces between my fingers weren't filled with his own. The lines on my palms weren't synchronized with his. It all looked so... bland. So empty. Everything felt so fucking empty and the holes were too plenty for me to suffice.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and wondered, if I closed my eyes long enough, would it feel like Harry's? I lifted my eyes to meet Niall's, and just like that, the forest green I fell in love with, cleared away, and the brown hair paled to blonde, and Harry disappeared. It broke my heart all over again.

" Where is everybody? Are you okay?"

" They left. You can go too, if you want. It's your choice."

" Wait, but, what about you? And Liam?"

" We need to stay here. He can't go anywhere, and I- I need to sort this camp out."

" And Harry?" Niall was careful, hesitant, but no amount of tenderness could have eased the ache in my heart. I lost my breath, only a little, and I feared I'd collapse right into Niall. But I didn't. I silently shook my head, willing a humorless smile to form on my lips.

" Fuck, Autumn, I'm sorry."

" I know. Well, you see what you want to do, and let me know. I know you probably don't want to stay here, but if you can maybe stick around for a couple of days. I need someone I can trust, until Liam is himself again. I just- there isn't really a catalogue for this shit, you know."

" I understand. I'll stay for as long as you need me." He nodded, smiling weakly, before pulling me into a weak embrace. Like if he'd held on any tighter, a piece of me would have broken away. I was barely put together.

" Thank you, Niall. But do you think maybe, you can give us a minute?" I pulled away, nodding at Liam. And Niall understood, patting my shoulder, before walking away and closing the door behind him. And just like that, I came undone.

My legs gave out, arms falling around Liam, because they had to hold onto something, anything. I fell onto Liam's bed, heaving for a breath of air that didn't carry Harry's scent. My lungs burned with desire. It felt like I'd been running for years, every step stabbing into my chest, willing me to stop. It felt like I was escaping beneath my own skin, like I was running within the space of my body. It didn't make any sense, to be this tired without really doing anything at all. And that was when the first choking sob made its way through me. I hadn't meant for it to come out. I hadn't meant to start crying. But once it had me, I didn't stand a chance. And the more I cried, the more it hurt, and I didn't know how much longer I'd last without Harry's arms and Harry's voice and just... Harry.

I felt hands everywhere and the touch that I once knew, once longed for, dissolved into Liam's, and I couldn't really tell them apart anymore in the blur of it all pouring out of me. I heard words; distant, unfamiliar, barely breaking through the surface. I felt like rain; persistent, unkind, wiping away all remains of things I wanted to hold onto, but also things I wished I could let go of. Drowning every image replaying in front of my tired eyes. Forming lakes and ponds over things I wanted to bury away. I felt like lightening; shedding light on things better kept hidden, electrifying the atmosphere, and electrocuting the little I still had alive inside me. I felt like thunder; booming like Harry's voice when he asked what was wrong with me, that very first time. Scary like the way he looked at me, when he found out about the things I'd done. Loud like the sound of my heart breaking in my chest, as I watched him walk away. Or maybe it was his. I couldn't really tell anymore.

I felt like a storm was crawling up my throat, and I feared that if I opened my mouth, if I tried throwing it up, then all my love for Harry, all the anger and rage and ugliness, would come out too and I'd be left with nothing. Maybe I'd cough out that heart that was beating only to remind me that I had to live without Harry, even if it felt like the most painful thought of all. Maybe I'd cough out a lung that held onto Harry's smell so dearly, it had stopped its rise and fall, simply to not release any of it. The world didn't deserve to be touched by Harry, not after what it had done.

I felt so much and so little. I felt filled to the brim, yet, so incredibly empty. I felt like all those contradictions were tearing at me, fighting to win the prize that was whatever was left of me. I opened my eyes that I hadn't known were closed, and saw Liam holding onto me, the way I once held onto Harry. His own eyes were squeezed shut, so viciously, I wondered what he was trying to keep behind them. His arms were around me, and mine were around him, and I wished it would start to be enough. But it wasn't.

So I closed my eyes again, losing interest in the scenery, in the surroundings, in the world I didn't belong to, because my world was somewhere far, far away, nursing its own wounds, and probably crying over a love that would never be lost. I just wished I could tell him; I'm right here, Harry. I'm not going anywhere. But I could scream all I wanted, and he wouldn't hear me. The words were too heavy to be carried by wind. The love was too overwhelming to be contained in a whisper. But he knew. He had to have known. Anyone with eyes could tell how irrevocably, irreversibly, infinitely in love I was with Harry. And my heart could break and shatter all it wanted, but that would still be there, somewhere. And that was how I'd fallen asleep that very first night; without Harry, with a hand on my heart to ease its ache, in a desperate attempt to follow the exact print he'd left on me, to fall into the frame of his fingers and his hand and his touch, and my other arm around Liam, not really knowing if it was to keep him around, or keep me. 

_____________________________________________________

A/N: Hey guys :) This is one sad chapter but it's one of the dearest to my heart, so I hope it made you feel something, and I hope you enjoyed it in any way. Please let me know what you think, we only have two more chapters to go before the epilogue (which I have started working on, but haven't finished) 

PS: Thank you so so much for 115k reads, and thank you for those who supported me after that last Author's note. It meant a lot to me that you knew where I was coming from, and you trusted me. I honestly love you guys so much, you make me so happy.

Also, Ramadan Mubarak to all of you, hope you have a blessed month :)

ily x