Rupture // h.s au

59. I broke my promise.

Harry

It was all so heavy. Everything was too fucking heavy. My body was too heavy to carry. My eyelids were too heavy to open, every time I blinked. My face was too heavy, to form into any expression other than the grimace that had set itself on my features. But nothing was as heavy as my heart. It felt like it had sunken to my stomach, and I almost threw it up, every time I'd try to swallow.

She smiled at me. She'd smile at me, between her whispered words to Raine, and her attempts to hold a conversation with my mother. She'd smile at me, like she knew. Like she knew all that was tearing at me from the inside out. Like she could feel me, shutting down, fading into that lump of grief and misery and weakness. And I couldn't do anything about it. Couldn't smile back. Couldn't speak. Couldn't feel.

Autumn was saying something about being parent-less buddies with Raine, telling her about how she didn't have anyone either, and how they could take care of one another, and all I was thinking about was how many more children would spend their lives, searching for someone to take care of them, after Griffin and his camp took all they had away? How many ruined lives had Autumn contributed to? How many had I?

It didn't make sense. Didn't seem fair. How someone could ruin some else's life, and then that person would grow up, motivated to ruin other lives, that would be as innocent as his had once been. It was a vicious cycle that stopped at no one, had no mercy, set no limits for the amount of pain that someone would have to endure. Destruction came from destruction, and would lead to destruction too. At the end of the day, that was all we seemed to do. And if that was the case, then why were we even around? How could we live with ourselves, seeing children like Raine, every single day, and knowing that we had ruined them, one way or another? It felt like such an indescribable price for existing. It made me want to not exist anymore. It wasn't worth it. Nothing seemed to be worth it.

" Harry," Her hands were on me. Her touch burning through me. And I couldn't take it. I pulled away, breathing frantically, like she'd somehow add to the hurt that was swallowing me whole. She stared at me with sad, compassionate eyes, putting her hands in the air in surrender.

" Raine fell asleep. I was just checking on you. I'm sorry." I nodded, eyes escaping her own, as I willed my chest to slow, before it went into overdrive.

" Are you- are you okay?"

" I have to go tell Louis what happened, and prepare for the funeral."

I couldn't take it. Couldn't take her. Couldn't take what she made me feel, or even what she kept me from feeling. I pushed against the door, and as soon as I was out, I inhaled, wishing my lungs wouldn't collapse under the pressure. I still felt like I couldn't breathe. Like the loss was weighing so heavily on my chest, cracking through my rib-cage, squishing my heart. I was suffocating and it wasn't even my own loss. I wondered how Raine's fragile body could handle any of it.

I didn't go see Louis. I didn't go anywhere really. I simply walked around, searching for any differences made by the painful loss, looking out for the way the world would alter after losing one of its own. It didn't. It never really did. It didn't care. It didn't know Raine or her father, didn't know that Raine would cry herself to sleep every single day till the hole in her chest slowly became a consistent part of her soul, threaded into her being, belonging between her organs like her now broken heart, or her dusted lungs. The world didn't care for bodies and grounds and sleepless nights and tormented souls and horrid nightmares and people that could never be the same again. We were all so little, so insignificant, the world couldn't possibly notice someone missing, or being gone, or being ruined. So, it didn't change. It didn't stop. It carried on, and in that moment, I was too tired to try to keep up. So fucking tired.

People came up to me with questions of a funeral and a speech and a new home for a sad little girl and panic among the soldiers that wanted to be there for their friend's goodbye. Although, everything hurt, I found a distraction in other people's pain, rather than allowing myself to drown any further into my own. That time would come, and I wouldn't be able to push through it for long, but until then, I tried to prepare for the funeral, and what was bound to come, after losing one of our own.

That night, everyone came out. Every single man, woman, child. Soldiers or leaders. They all came to send away a man, and support a scared little girl that continued to cry through her always strong, always composed exterior. Liam, Louis, and Zayn helped me dig the grave, laying his body in, and covering it up with dirt that would eventually fade him away completely, leaving only traces of his once existence, and marks that would never go away. My mum and Autumn stood by, holding onto Raine, or what was left of her. At one point, my eyes fell onto her, and she met them, with tears behind her own, and a sadness that almost wrecked me completely. I had to look away.

Raine didn't let out a single sound. Didn't say a word. Didn't react to all that was going on around her. She simply cried, and allowed the circle of people around her, to keep her from falling into that hole and laying beside her father. Sometimes, I wished I could do that too. Maybe that was the only way for it all to just... stop.

Mum took my hand, resting her head against my shoulder, as Zayn gave a small speech. I couldn't find my voice. Grief was choking me so viciously, I sometimes almost gasped for air, like I was coming out from under water. Water that was filling my lungs, suffocating me. That was what it felt like. Drowning. And the ground never came any closer, and the sinking never ended, and somehow, I was still expected to swim, to fight against the crashing waves, to not utterly and completely give in to the tide.

After the funeral was over, I gave Raine a single hug that she barely returned at all, before she was carried by my mother. Her and Niall began their walk to mum's room, and Autumn wanted to talk. She tried to talk to me, but I couldn't. Couldn't do it. Couldn't co-exist with her. So, I walked away, uttering something about spending the night with Zayn to help with his still healing injury. It wasn't the truth though. Zayn was fine. But I wasn't. And I couldn't handle being around Autumn. Could barely handle existing in my own skin, let alone, that being touched or held by her. So I willed myself to not look back at all I left behind. Willed myself to not tilt my head, in an attempt to hear what she barely whispered, beneath her breath. Willed myself not to cave. And I didn't. I left her behind. I broke my promise.

_____________________________________________________________

A/N: Aaaaand Harry is shutting down again. Do you guys think this is getting too old or too repetitive? I have a plan, I promise, I won't repeat what happened in previous parts of the story-line just bear with me please :)

Let me know what you think tho, I always appreciate any sort of constructive criticism!

Also, if you follow me on here and want me to follow back, just message me or something, I have no problem following any of you back :)

ily x