Rupture // h.s au

50. "You."

Autumn

My head continued to throb, though I didn't feel like I was clinging to the decaying threads of consciousness every time I took a breath. I had Anne's hand between my own, attempting to keep her warm and comfortable and near. As near as she possibly could be in that state that I was painfully familiar with.

Harry hadn't spoken a single word to me for the past few hours, ever since Liam left. I felt nauseous, every time our eyes almost met, and I could see him, trying so hard not to let that happen. Tears were forming behind my eyes but I didn't cry. Pain took over every aspect of my existence and I could no longer differentiate between what was physical and what wasn't. Everything just hurt and I wished I could have switched places with Anne. She looked so rested, so peaceful, like she didn't have to face any of what I was currently soldering through. Only, she was facing an illness that fed on you, took bits and pieces away, till you were literally a pile of mush. I didn't know which one of us was in more pain. I sort of hoped it was me.

I brought my lips to her cheek, attempting to measure her body temperature; a technique my mother had once taught me. A wave of another kind of pain roamed within me, as I willed myself not to think about any of it yet. I sighed, relieved, feeling her heated body slowly calming down. I looked away, eyes accidentally falling onto Harry, who was frowning so deeply, you'd think the wrinkles between his eyebrows were permanent. He looked so deep in thought, I wished I had the right to ask him what was on his mind. But I didn't.

" What was it about this time?" He spoke, just as I forced my eyes to not look too long because it hurt. Everything seemed to hurt.

" What?"

" Your nightmare. What was it about?" For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, Harry looked at me. Truthfully, looked at me, not the monstrous version of myself that now haunted him. But me. The real me. The me I was desperately clinging onto.

" You." I responded truthfully, watching as his frown deepened, before it relaxed.

" Me?"

" Yeah. They always seem to be related to you, one way or another."

" Are you trying to blame me for this? Guilt me into-"

" No, Harry. I'm not trying to do anything. I'm not doing anything."

" You know what's funny?" He sniffled, chuckling bitterly, before looking away. I immediately missed his eyes. I didn't speak, waiting for him to continue.

" I thought I'd want to do something to you. Like, I don't know. Yell at you. Hit you. Kick you out. I thought I'd want nothing to do with you. I thought I wouldn't be able to look at you."

" I can leave, if you want me to. I can-"

" God, I wish this was it. I wish I could want you to leave. I wish I could do this without you, but I don't think I can. I- I hate you. Fuck, I really did think I'd hate you, but all I- all I seem to do is need you. I- I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know why I'm such a dick to you, or why I'm not. I don't know anything and you, being here, doing this to help her, it's messing with my head. But I don't think I can be here, stay here, and- and see all of this, without you here. God. I need you and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not hating you. How does that even work?"

Just like that, it all poured out of him. And he cried. Harry was crying, looking at me like a lost child, searching for answers to a world that I still couldn't understand. Perhaps, he really was lost, without his mother, without the image he had held so closely of me. He had to be lost. And I wished I could find him. I wished I had all the answers in the world, but I didn't. So, I stood up, ignoring the slight spin of the ground beneath my feet, as I approached him. I put my arm on his shoulder, and when he didn't pull away, I put the other, then circled them both around him, bringing his back to my chest, and my head to his neck, as I held him to me.

He cried and he trembled and he gasped and amidst all that, he put his hands over my own, and held on tighter. I didn't know if he needed me, or needed just anything to keep him grounded, but I'd take it. I'd be whatever he needed me to be, until he didn't need me anymore.

The stubborn tears that I had been swallowing away for so long, were finally falling against my skin, and onto him. And I was grateful that they could dissolve into his own drops of tears and sweat, because this was his time to break. And though I had broken him, time and time again, this time, I just wanted to help fix him. Because people like Harry were never meant to be broken. His pieces were too precious, too irreplaceable, and if he broke, then what did he leave to the ordinary, less human, humans like us? Nothing. If Harry broke, then we had absolutely nothing. Then I, had absolutely nothing. And all I ever wanted was to have him.

The sound of his crying broke my heart. Absolutely wrecked me, but I was grateful, that he'd allowed me to be here, to hold him, because God knew how disgusting my touch should have been for him. I just wanted him to know that I was right there. And I didn't know if that was comforting, or terrifying. I didn't have time to think about it, because then Anne began to stir, humming weakly, before her eyes began to falter awake.

Harry pushed past my grasp, even before I could let go, standing and falling beneath his mother, taking her hand in his, as he furiously wiped at his cheeks. He could only allow himself to be vulnerable in front of very few people, and this time, he just couldn't handle having to mask it all. It didn't mean anything. He still didn't trust me. He still couldn't care. I still killed his father and it still killed something inside him. I couldn't undo that. Any of it.

I approached Anne, receiving a small smile, as she put a single hand in the air. A hand that I immediately took between my own, as I looked down upon her, and forced a smile, though all I wanted to do, was cry some more.

" You scared the living shit out of all of us, Anne." I laughed, to stop myself from crying. Harry just squeezed the hand he had tighter, bringing it to his lips, and kissing it religiously.

" Thank you." Anne mouthed, her smile widening a bit. I shook my head slightly, unable to find my voice quite yet. She looked at me, then down at her son, before taking her other hand away from me, to run it through his lengthy hair. Again, another wave of pain ran through me, as I remembered my own mother, doing something similar. I swallowed the lump in my throat, turning away to give them the time they needed together. I walked out of the room, and waited for Harry to stop me. Waited for him to care again. But he didn't. He couldn't.

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A/N: I KNOW I KNOW DON'T KILL ME

Yes, Harry and Autumn aren't on the best of terms, but hey, at least Anne woke up, and finally showed progress!

It won't go away that easy guys, she killed his father, of course he's not going to be able to trust her for a long, long, time, if at all. So yeah, bare with me, and them.

Anyway, let me know what you think of everything please, and I'll update in a week (as always) or if we reached 60k reads, then I'll update early in celebration of that :)

ALSO, pillow talk next friday ohmygod, how do you feel about that?

Till next time, ily x