Rupture // h.s au

52. "Just hold me."

Harry

" I think I'm going to the clinic on my own," Liam had said, smiling weakly, " I also think you have somewhere better to be. I'll be gone for an hour or so. Maybe more. Go see her. Talk to her. You probably need each other." He had given me a pat on my shoulder, nodding once, before walking away.

I stood there, not knowing what to do with myself. It all happened so suddenly. Finding her. Loving her. Losing her. Getting her back, but in pieces. Her, breaking me. Me, breaking her back. It all felt like it had happened in a matter of minutes, yet, it had taken lifetimes away from us. And now, I had to see her, and desperately try not to see my father's eyes instead of her own. I had to be in her presence, and not feel the urge to hurt her, to break her, the way she had unintentionally done me. I had to touch her, but not too hard, or it'd burn a hole through me, and maybe even her. I had to control that storm that aroused within me, every single time I was around her. I had to learn how to love her again. Although, it felt like I had never stopped. It made absolutely no sense.

All too soon, I was standing in front of the door to Zayn's room, hearing yells and screams and pleas for help, as I pushed against the door with all my will. I had to get to her. I had to protect her. Fuck, what was happening? The door was stubborn at first, but my frustration fed my blinded strength, as I hit against it one final time with my shoulder. I heard bones crackling, but also wood breaking, and the door finally opened. I rushed inside, finding her on the unfamiliar bed, thrashing, kicking, and screaming. Tears fell against her face, sweat covered her forehead, as she yelled out in distress. A part of me wanted to let her suffer through it. The thought alone sickened me.

I willed my feet to move, as I fell next to her, shaking her slightly, her name refusing to be spoken out loud, like that would have somehow broken the promise I'd made to myself, to never call for her again. I pushed the hair away from her face, wearily touching her skin. It was odd, because I'd expected my fingers to crack under the pressure. I'd expected a wave of something unexplainable to run through me and take me under. But nothing happened. She wasn't out to get me. She was just there, fighting to wake up, as the nightmare clawed at her, certain to leave marks behind.

I remembered the night she'd told me about her mother's murder, and how she remembered her father's role in it. She'd been so distressed, so fearful, like her nightmare had molded itself into her reality and she couldn't quite tell which version was worse. I sat myself on top of her, with a leg on each of her sides, as I grasped her upper body into my hands, and began to shake her awake.

Finally. God, finally, her eyes began to open. Alert and widened and frightened. Like the sudden portion of reality had shocked her awake. She blinked, holding her breath, like she was still drowning in whichever roaring sea that took her under in her dreams. I continued to touch her, waiting for it to destroy me, but it never did.

" Harry," She breathed. The first word that she'd been able to speak, had been my name. The first breath that she'd been able to exhale, had been devoted to calling out my name. I felt myself smiling, despite all my attempts not to.

" Autumn."

It was so effortless. So natural and easy. I could no longer fight against it. It felt like I had been ordering my lungs not to take any air in, though, I knew I needed it to breathe, and the atmosphere was filled with it. Still, I shut my lungs down to all the air in the world. But now, I was finally breathing again. And Autumn was the first breath of fresh air that I'd taken in a very long time. It felt so good to finally be able to breathe, and not have it weigh down on me.

" You're here. Why are you here? Am I still dreaming?"

I laughed at that. I hadn't laughed in so long, I had forgotten I could. I had forgotten I could feel like this. I had forgotten I could love like this. Autumn reminded me of all that. I didn't know how to feel about that just yet.

" You're not dreaming, no."

" You're actually here? How?"

I shrugged, because I didn't know. She was fine. She was safe. There was nothing wrong with her. Yet, here I was, laying on top of her, to make sure she wouldn't slip away, unable to move, neither forward, nor away. I was still terrified. Of her. For her. I couldn't quite tell.

Drained by missing her and having her near and touching her and feeling her and just- existing alongside her, I collapsed beside her, leaving an inch or two between us, in an attempt to cling to my sanity that she was slowly erasing. I could hear her breathing, slowly returning to a normal pace, and I wondered if my proximity could ever do to her, what hers always did to me.

" What the hell are we doing, Autumn?"

" I don't know. What do you want us to do, Harry?"

I tilted my head to the side, losing my breath slightly, because God, she was beautiful. So beautiful it hurt. It hurt because I loved her. It hurt when I didn't. It just hurt. Everything hurt.

" I want... I just want to sleep."

" We can do that." She nodded, approaching me, only a little, but I turned around, with my back facing her, as I pushed my body closer, until her chest was radiating warmth onto my skin, and the air she was exhaling, hit the back of my neck. Her arms looped around me, pulling me even closer to her, and I hadn't thought that was possible. Her legs tangled with my own, and in that moment, we were one.

" I don't want to be angry anymore. I don- I don't want this." I felt my figure trembling slightly beneath her touch, and I didn't know if I was the one who was cold all around, or if it was the world. Maybe it was us both.

" You're allowed to be angry, Harry. You're entitled to feel a bit of anger. A lot of it even. Towards me. Towards life. It's okay."

" It hurts so fucking much to be angry at you though. It hurts more than anything." I shook my head. Or maybe I didn't. I couldn't quite tell. Everything was shaking with the storming ache inside me. Although, I could feel a portion of comfort, knowing that I was finally in her arms. She was finally close again. I could finally let the flaming fire of her and I, burn us both alive, and be perfectly welcoming of whatever ashes it would leave behind.

" Then don't be. Please don't be mad at me. Please don't hate me. I- I didn't know. I didn't mean to. I wish I could take it all back. I wish you didn't have to go through all of this. I-"

I could feel her tensing against me, shaking with something different than what I shook with. Or maybe not so different. I didn't have it in me to recompose myself, let alone keep her together. So I took her hand beneath my own, wrapping myself further into her, completely, and fully, drowning beneath the surface of her.

" Shh. Just hold me. Please, just- just hold me, Autumn."

And she did. I didn't know which of us needed it more, but I could feel pieces, slowly gluing themselves into place, and I didn't know if they were mine or hers. I could no longer tell our remains apart. We were both just so devastatingly broken. And we were broken together.

I could feel the hole of endless darkness in my heart, becoming a little less endless, a bit more bright. I could feel the coldness slowly departing my figure, replaced by the love I held for her; the love I had refused to acknowledge ever since I decided that hating her was easier. It wasn't. Loving her was the easiest thing in the world, and the further I strayed away from that, the more difficult everything else seemed. I felt the weight being shared between both our shoulders, and although, neither of us could bear his own burden, we could bear each other's. Because I loved her. And she loved me. And that very same love, was what had broken us. Then put us back together.

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AN: Surprise update for you!

I couldn't wait to share this with you, so here it is, the hautumn (?) return!

Let me know what you thought of this please :)

ily x