Rupture // h.s au

51. "Why?"

Harry

I was standing in front of the door to Zayn's room. I had been standing there for a long time now, and I couldn't bring myself to knock. Every time my hand lifted, it'd drop again, and I'd surrender to that state of panic coursing through me. I wasn't ready to see her yet. It had been almost a week since she'd walked out, and I'd let her. And I missed her so much, it physically hurt to keep away from her. Almost as much as the thought of seeing her again did. I didn't understand it, and I couldn't expect her to.

I couldn't hear past the sounds of my erratic breathing. My heart thumping against my chest, almost like it could feel the proximity between us, reacting to her nearness, longing for it, and willing me to just do it. Just knock and hold her. Finally, hold her again. But I couldn't, because my hands were trembling, and tears were blurring my sight, and I didn't think I'd be able to see her past them. I didn't think I'd be able to handle seeing her at all.

I looked up, the sound of the door opening startling me. I was met with familiar brown eyes, that now looked a bit angry, a bit weary. Liam stood in front of me, a hand on the door, to keep it opened enough for him to stand, but not enough for me to see past him. He had a frown, prominent on his normally kind features, and I found myself at loss for words.

" I need to go get some supplies from the clinic, to sterilize Autumn's wounds again. Would you like to walk with me, or will you get going?"

I didn't miss how he hadn't given me the choice to actually see Autumn, and I didn't know if it was because he didn't trust me enough with her, or because he could feel my hesitance and anxiety radiating through, but I appreciated it nevertheless, nodding my head once, before stepping back, allowing him enough space to fully close the door, and start walking towards his destination.

The further away we walked from the room, the less stable my heart beating became. Sometimes, it'd give two thumps at the same time. Other times, it'd take too long to even beat at all. It was distressed by the unwelcomed distance I was now laying between Autumn and I, though, it was relieved that it didn't have to endure all she was bound to make me feel, just yet. I wanted to apologize for overworking it, for laying all that on it. It must have been one strong heart, to continue to beat inside my heavy chest.

" How is Zayn's room? Not too bad, I hope." I didn't know why I was so desperate to fill the silence surrounding us, but it felt like I was losing all control, over my own heart even, and I needed it back. I couldn't be this weak or this surrendered. I needed that sense of balance.

" It's alright, yeah. Either Louis or Zayn come around to check on us. Niall brings Raine over, sometimes, to help out with Autumn and all that. Not that you care or anything. Because you don't, right?"

I sighed, shaking my head slightly, because all attempts to stir things away from Autumn always failed miserably. Everything seemed to be revolving around her, no matter how much I wanted to keep her away. I could no longer remember how the world felt before her. I could no longer remember ever living without her. It was odd. It was scary. But also, a bit comforting.

" Liam,"

" No. You know what? You were meant to be better. You were meant to be... different. I thought that was the reason why she'd fallen for you. I thought, there was no way she'd ever feel like this, towards someone who was just like the rest of us. But you- you are. You're not a better person. Hell, you could be even shittier, for all I care. I just don't understand. If you don't care for her, then why does she still care for you? Why is she putting herself through all this shit, for someone who just doesn't care?"

" But I do. I do care, and I- I shouldn't. I don't know how to explain it, Liam. But your sister, she- she broke my heart. You don't understand. You can't possibly understand how it feels. I loved  her. And she did something that I can't even speak about. Because that would make it real. And I really, really, don't want it to be. Because if it is, then I can't possibly love her. I can love her through a lot of shit, despite it all, but not this. This is just... God. God, I love her, Liam. And I don't understand it. It's fucking with me."

He was silent. Steps slowing, until he'd come to a complete stop. And so did I. We stood there, with his lips between his teeth, as he stared down on our feet, while I stared up at the stars. It was a quiet night, calm, with nothing filling the sky, but the few scattered stars. I couldn't help but think about the sparkle in Autumn's eyes, just before she smiled, that special smile of hers. Her eyes always sparkled just like the stars, although, she was the night on her own; always so dark, so mysterious, and discrete, like it had taken all the world's darkness onto its own counter. Perhaps, she had.

" She said you left her. But then you came back. Why?"

" I don't know. I was out, I was almost back by the borders, but it was like, every hit she received, I felt. Everything hurt, although, no one had touched me. I tripped, and I fell, and I just stayed there. Thinking. I- I remembered that first time, I woke up to her by my side. I thought she was the most beautiful thing in the world, and it was just because the world was so fucking ugly, no, she was just... so beautiful. It wasn't the first time that I'd thought that, that I had admitted to myself that I loved her, but it was the first time that I thought of forever with her. And it felt so nice. So right. I didn't think I'd be able to wake up to a world that she wasn't part of. Didn't think I could live with myself, knowing that I'd let him have her, again. So I went back. She was unconscious by then, but they were still having a go at her. She had a gun in her hand, but not a single bullet was shot out of it. I didn't know why, I couldn't wrap my head around it, but then, I was shooting two of them, disarming the rest, before taking her away. She was bleeding and I was scared. But then, when we made it back to camp, and I'd left the car, to walk the rest of the distance back to my room, she opened her eyes, and it's like- I remembered how it felt to wake up with her. And I wanted that again. I wanted her. But I didn't have it in me to do anything about it. I think I still don't."

" She hasn't gotten anywhere near that house since mum. She never would have gone in there, if it wasn't for you. Did you know that there are three other storage houses where we keep this specific treatment? We scatter it around, in safe places, so that if we get hit and some of it is taken, we'd still have it some place else? Did you know that she could have gone to other places, but intentionally chose to put herself through that? Why do you think that is, Harry?"

Confusion coursed through me, as I looked upon her brother, who now had a small, almost proud smile, as he waited for me to link the dots, and finally understand the bigger picture that she had drawn for me. It wasn't that easy though. One couldn't simply resolve Autumn. One couldn't just untie her knots, equate all her variables, and finally, understand her. She was a charade within herself, and I'd guess and guess, and never really get it right. Which was why I'd loved her, even when I couldn't really understand her.

" You think that you're punishing her by not caring for her anymore, but Autumn always imposes her own punishments. She knew she'd done wrong, she knew she deserved punishment, which was why she'd gone through that house, and allowed it to hit her, over and over again. It was why she didn't fight back. It was why she'd asked you to leave her behind. She has been punishing herself, long before you thought to punish her. And she'll continue to do so, even when you stop. She'd gone through enough punishment to last her a lifetime, Harry. Lets not add to it."

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A/N: Don't you just love Liam? Because I do.

Anyway, YOU GOT THIS STORY TO 60K READS WTF YOU PEOPLE ARE THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME HONESTLY THANK YOU SO MUCH

So what did you think of this? What do you think Harry will do next? Did you agree with Liam's hesitance or not? Share your thoughts please, they're always welcome :)

PS: CAN WE TALK ABOUT PILLOW TALK BECAUSE MY FUCKING JAM

Alright so ily x