Shutter ❋ Joe Sugg AU

18 ❋ Amelia

After I shut the door on Joe I felt horrible - I imagined his beautiful face, and how sad he looked after I refused to kiss him. He didn't deserve to be treated this way - I was being a bitch, kicking him out of the flat like this after he especially came over to look after me.

I could've kissed him. I was so close to forgetting everything and leaning that tiny bit closer, but in the end I couldn't. I am many things, but disloyal is not one of them. Dan was a good boyfriend - he treated me well, was respectful, didn't push me - I didn't want to jeaopordise that for what was merely raw attraction. I barely even knew Joe!

But you still told him about your mum.

I didn't know what made me do that. It wasn't something that I told to people easily. There was just something about Joe.

I ran my hands through my hair slowly, sighing as I did. I still had a lump in my throat from everything that had happened, and my sickness was wearing me down. I walked back to my room, and picked up the photo album from the floor. I sat on the edge of my bed, and looked at the photos spread out on the page.

I stroked the photograph of my mother and father, almost without consciously realising I was doing it.

Six years is a long time. I no longer remembered the little things about my mum, like the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled or the way she smelt after a day in the garden. I couldn't remember the sound of her laugh, or the warmth of her hand wrapped around mine. I couldn't even really remember the tone of her voice - all I had was short home videos as a reminder.

My mum was the kind of person that was better than most, but in a quiet and humble way. She was a fan of the little things, such as simple acts of kindness and the 'joys of life', as she called it. She was gentle, delicate and caring towards everyone. Perhaps that's why she wasn't strong enough to fight the disease that took her life.

I slammed the photo album shut, because I could fee my eyes burning with the anticipation of tears. I hated crying, and I wasn't going to give into it now. I stood up from my bed and tucked the album away, back in the shelf where it belonged.

I thought about ringing Joe, so I could explain myself. Surely it was about time that I told him about Dan, particularly after the events of today. Still, I couldn't bring myself to do it - there was just too much at stake. I didn't want Joe thinking badly of me for lying to him.

My head was pounding fiercely, and I felt surprisingly sleepy. I also couldn't bear to keep thinking about today, so I decided to go to bed after taking some pain killer.

As I drifted away I thought about my mum, something which I tried to refrain from doing because it usually always resulted in a dream. This time was no different.

***

"Lia, darling. Come sit." She said in a gentle voice, while patting the side of her bed. She sounded exhausted.

Mum looked paler than I had ever seen her, and her skin was shining slightly with perspiration. Her hair was matted, her lips chapped - I could barely recognise her. I did as she said and sat down on the side of her bed, taking her clammy hand in mine like I always did.

"How was school?" She asked. I smiled at my mother, always so caring and sensitive towards others even at a time like this.

"You know, boring as usual." I said, squeezing her frail hand a little bit. She barely had the strength to squeeze back.

"How are you today mum?" I knew what the answer was going to be, but it didn't stop me from asking.

"I'm wonderful darling. I feel better today, I really do." She was lying of course, but she did an excellent job of hiding it. Her shallow breathing and pale colouring completely contradicted her words.