Sunshine

Chapter Thirty

This chapter is dedicated to my best friend, my guardian angel, my very first love.. My nightingale. Who would've been 22 today, who should've been here planning how to celebrate it right now. Sam, this is for you, I love and miss you more and more everyday. Happy birthday sweetheart🎈

The blonde couldn't sleep, she had been tossing and turning all night despite the protective arms of her now girlfriend wrapped around her waist. The thoughts in Taylor's head were scaring her, she didn't want to admit to herself or anyone else that she needed help, that the voices were back. Taylor had ended up sneaking out of bed a hour ago to get a release to quieten the voices down, but it didn't work.

The blonde had thought about waking Karlie up. But really how could she tell anyone, Karlie barely knew her yet she wanted to be with Taylor and that was something that enraged the voices inside her head.

She doesn't love you, you know that right? She's just like the rest of them, as soon as she's got in your pants she's going to leave.

"No she isn't.. Shut up, just leave me alone!" Taylor screamed into the pillow, trying so hard not to burst into tears she was scared for her own wellbeing. There was still a small part of her that wanted to wake Karlie up and tell her everything.

You'll always have us Taylor, we won't ever leave you. Karlie will when she realises you are CRAZY.

The tears slipped down Taylor's face, she tried to stop the sobs and screams from waking up Karlie or even worse Ayla she didn't want a four year old finding her in this state. "Taylor?" The hoarse voice spoke laced with fatigue.

"Go back to sleep Karlie, I-I'm fin-ne."

Karlie wasn't convinced, but she left her girlfriend alone for a moment creeping out of bed to check on her daughter to make sure she was sleeping. Upon returning Karlie could hear Taylor's sobs getting louder and louder under the sheets.

"Please Tay, what's wrong?" Karlie pulled the crying blonde into her chest, stroking her hair softly humming some tune. Taylor's sobs reduced, her breathing returned to somewhat normal, but the voices were screaming louder now.

Just die already, jeez Taylor that's the only way you're escaping us.

"Make them stop!" the fragile girl screamed into the soft fabric of Karlie's tee.

The taller girl was shocked to see her girlfriend look so broken, sound so hurt, make what stop? "Stop what honey?"

Taylor knew the voices would be angry, but Karlie's soft tone was blocking them out right now. "The voices in my head, they're always there but they are so loud lately. I can't function. They make me want to die, Karlie. I want to die."

Karlie understood, Cara had filled her in on Taylor's past briefly but it was more than enough information to know how to handle Taylor right now. Cara had explained all about Taylor's bipolar and personality disorders. Something Taylor had told her best friend that she didn't want Karlie to know, but it was too late now.

"Taylor, look at me." Taylor did as she was told, hesitatingly placing her gaze on Karlie. "You don't want to die Taylor, sweetheart you just want the pain to go away. I promise you, you won't always feel this way, you're going to get better. And I know that look, you're thinking I have no reason to be alive but guess what, you have a purpose. You're alive for a reason so don't ever give up, no matter how loud the voices get. This is your life, not theirs you have to take control back baby. Just remember when you feel alone I am here for you, I love you and you can talk to me about anything. I might not always know how to respond or help but I will give the best advice I can and I will take you to your therapy sessions and sit by your side if that's what you want. Have you been taking your medication?"

Taylor smiled slightly, she felt a little better hearing what her girlfriend had just said to her, even though the voices were telling her she didn't deserve someone as loving as Karlie. "No, I haven't. I will start taking it again in the morning, I'm sorry Karlie I didn't want you to see me like this."

The two girls laid together in each other's arms in a comfortable silence for a couple of moments. The voices had stopped by some miracle and Taylor was now getting drowsy. As she drifted into a soft sleep, the last thing she heard was something she would be sure never to forget in future.

"I know you think you're alone Taylor, but you aren't. You have me, Cara and Hayley. We are all here for you, and you can talk to us about anything. We won't judge, we all love you Taylor I wish you could see that. I spent months waiting for you I can't lose you now. I need you, I don't know what I'd do without you, I love you."

Some of you are probably wondering how this is even a dedication, well Sam, who was, is my best friend she committed suicide almost eight years ago now. Instead of talking to me, she thought she had no one. This chapter is showing anyone who feels suicidal actually does have someone who cares and will listen and be there for you. Like I was there for my best friend, she just didn't come forward and I was too young at the time to see the signs. If anyone's going through a tough time, just remember I love you and someone else loves you so much. I am always here if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, just message me or even kik me my username is lovethemmore_ 💙