The Rules of Living with the Avengers

52. Don't let the Avengers babysit Part 1

   "I'm not changing the nappies."

  "Ellie! I've just made a schedule of who's having the baby at certain times and what jobs each of us has to do!" Steve scowled.

  "Make a new one."

"It took me an hour and she needs her nappy changing now."

  "You do it then!"

He glares at me and stalks off, holding the baby and a packet of wipes. Bucky chuckles and hands me a Pop-Tart. "He's such a good daddy."

"Never say daddy again."

"Sorry."

"I thought you and Steve had broken up."

"We have." Bucky smiles as Tony walks into the kitchen. "Doesn't mean I can't say what a good father he'd make."

"Steve?" Tony asks. I nod. "He'd be a great daddy." I groan and bury my head in my hands. Over the sound of the internal screaming in my head (hearing grown men call your ex-boyfriend/ninety year old daddy is existential crisis material) I hear Tony say, "you think that Steve might have a daddy kink?" and sink further into horrible mental images.

-o-

Carrie looks up at me and Bruce, red from crying and suspiciously smelly. I hate babysitting. "How do you normally calm down?" I ask Bruce.

"Yoga. Meditation. Not shitting myself."

"Oh."

"Maybe we should call Natasha. Or Clint. Or...I don't know. Who do we know that has children?"

"Charles and Erik? They just got about ten tortoises." They have. They're adorable. One of them is called Ellie Jr. Erik wanted to train them for tortoise races then realised how slow they were. Domestic life is slowly killing his brain cells.

  "Tortoises aren't the same as babies, Ellie."

"Tell Erik that. He puts them to bed at night."

  "Erik used to be a good drinking buddy," Tony walks in, pouting. "Now he's domestic as f-"

  "Language!" Steve's voice yells over the intercom.

  We all glare at the ceiling. "Is he watching us?" I ask.

  "Yes. I don't trust any of you with the- oh, Bucky, hi." There's a pause. I grin at Bruce and mouth they don't know we can hear them. "I do know that you can hear us."

"How?!"

-o-

Loki hands me an ice-cream with a smile. It's bright yellow so I'm slightly nervous about how radioactive it is but it tastes like a mixture of popcorn and vanilla essence.

  "Hey, Thor, have you got any kids?" Tony asks suddenly. Bucky is ahead of us, pushing the pram and spinning Carrie around, whilst Steve - fruitlessly -tells him off. 

"No, have you?"

"Not that I know of."

  "There was-" Bruce begins but Tony cuts him off by pushing him into a bush.

"Loki has a few children," Thor says after pulling Bruce out of the bush.

I stare at my boyfriend. "Aca-scuse me?"

"Thor!" Loki groans. "Please stop telling people that. I don't," he assures me. "My brother has some twisted ideas about my romantic past but he is very wrong. Clueless. Ha...definitely wrong. Ahem. I'm just gonna-" he runs ahead and I think about throwing my ice cream at him then decide against it.

It'd be a waste of ice-cream.

-o-

  "Ellie! Out of my lab!" Tony pulls me away from the room and locks the door behind us. "You're not allowed in there or you'll probably ruin my project! Anyway Capsicle wants us upstairs for a 'family meal'."

"What is it?" I ask.

"Fish pie."

"Not the meal, moron. Your project! What is it?"

"Secret."

"I can blackmail you."

"I have better blackmail."

"Ugh. Fine.

When we're all sat down, Steve hands out the plates of fish pie and sits down, breathing out in relief. "Enjoy, everyone."

Thor walks in, wearing a really tight red dress and yawning. We all stare at him. "Is that Natasha's dress?" Tony asks.

"Yes, I presume so. It was in the laundry room."

"She's gonna murder you," Bruce says.

"Thor, that dress is too tight." I smirk.

"It's gonna rip and fall off you, brother," Loki scowls.

"In that case, keep it on. We don't mind if it falls off..."

  "Ellie!" Steve says.

  "I wouldn't mind." Bucky high-fives me.

  "Wait...where's Carrie?" Tony asks, cautiously. We all look at Steve who looks at the empty baby chair.

  He stands up, looking like a confused sexy fish. He looks at the ceiling and then under the table. "I've lost her...oh no. Oh God. I've lost Clint and Natasha's baby...oh f-"