Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

8:"You don't need someone to complete you. You only need someone...

 “You don’t need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely.”

“Antagonize him! Harass him! Trust me it will work,” Matt said as we sat in his dorm room.

     “But…” I said unsurely.

     “Just harass him with hugs and shit. He will love it,” Matt said before sending me off to Michael’s dorm to watch that supernatural show.

     Entering Michaels dorm he had his computer set up already. We watched two episodes that night. And those two episodes contained some of my worst fears which are dark water + flying. After watching them Michael made a scenerio with all my worst fears and he put his arm around me for comfort as I leaned my head against his shoulder. Opening my eyes I spotted a spider, my worst fear. I practically jumped onto the chair screaming.

     “It’s there! It’s huge! Get it!” I squeaked.

     “I’ll ill it,” Michael said, as he was about to stomp on it.

     “No! Do not kill it! Just because I’m scared of it doesn’t mean it should die! Capture it and let it go,” I ordered.

     I never want to hurt anything or anyone. It’s true, just because I’m scared of something, doesn’t mean it should die. I am very adamant about not killing spiders or any bug I’m scared of. As long as they aren’t around me, I’m happy.

     The scene turned into a comedy as Michael failed at capturing the spider about five times.

     “Michael, you idiot! Put the paper under the cup before lifting it!” I barked, and finally Michael got it.

     “Open my door before it escapes!” Michael said frantically.

     I jumped off the chair and opened the door, hiding behind it as Michael went outside and freed the spider. When he got back I started laughing and he joined in.

     He then walked me to my dorm. His was on the first floor while mine was on the third. He hugged me goodnight, and I shyly gave him a kiss on the cheek and said goodnight. Now, that was WAY more scary than facing that spider. I would have rather held that spider than do what I had just done. It took all the courage I had to do that. I only hoped Michael would eventually return the affection.

     The next night, Michael was in my room and we were talking. When he left, well, he just left. Thinking back to what Matt said, I bravely said, “Hello? No goodbye hg?” Seriously man?” I got my hug. Matt’s advice paid off. Kind of. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was ecstatic about the hug, but sad because I had to freaking ask.

     Something to know is that I am not a patient person. Or wasn’t. Michael taught me a lot of patience. Well, anyone who wants to be with him will have to have patience or it won’t work out. And Michael was worth the patience.     

     Meanwhile with school it was midterms. The only one I really worried about was my color theory midterm. Me and a friend in the class worked together until twelve thirty. And we didn’t even finish and it was due that day. Luckily we both got up around six and got it in literally one minute before it was due. We were never so happy for it to be the weekend.

     That evening I was in my room, changing my x-acto blade since I had practically killed the other one for my design midterm. Maybe I was watching too many serial killer shows and movies as I admired the blade wondering if it would hurt to cut myself. Well, not wondering if it would hurt, more like curious to how much it hurt. And no, I am NOT a cutter. Michael was busy doing I don’t know what, and my roommates were out. So that night I did give myself a little knick in my knee. I didn’t like it, though the blood scared me yet fascinated me. Yes I am weird, deal with it. By the way, I had my period, so that explains my mental lapse. I mean, my emotions were everywhere. Michael’s dismissal of me was…getting to me. I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter. But hell, who the fuck was I kidding?

     The next day guilt consumed me over that tiny little knick. I knew Michael would be more than displeased with me. And that night when I told him he asked the obvious question: Why?

     Well, I wasn’t going to tell him all of why. I told him I had my period and emotions were everywhere. Not that part of it was that I was feeling…worthless. I mean I had gotten Michael little bags of candy to cheer him up during the stressful periods of school for him. And I had tried being more affectionate. All to receive…? Nothing. Not nothing, but not a lot. Maybe my expectations were too high? But what do I know? It’s my first relationship.

     And on top of all of this, my eating is shit as of late. Why? Probably… mainly… midterms. I told Michael and he said he would help. That was seriously sweet. I made a promise to myself that every Tuesday morning I would go to group to keep my eating in check, and also to talk about Michael and how I am constantly lost and confused when it comes to him. I mean, we still haven’t gone on our first date…

     That Tuesday I went and my journal entry explains that session well…

2/12/13

     We talked about Michael, and I got some clarity. Also I see why people say cutting is addictive. I’ve thought of doing it again, but I wouldn’t. But it’s been on my mind, not going to lie. Also I figured I’m having issues because I’m not used to being happy and not sad or in pain. So not eating is a way to punish myself, same with cutting, and same with wanting to play soccer to get hurt. Not that that’s why I play soccer, but it is part of it.

     Did you guys notice the date? February 12th…two days before Valentine’s Day. That night I talked to Matt because I was just plain confused with Michael. Matt told me to write down talking points, like what I wanted cleared up. So I wrote everything down.

                                                                Talking Points                    2/12/13

·      Communication

           o   Lack there of

           o   How I want to know if he’s trying or just being guarded

           o   Feel like there’s a wall

·      Stand point on PDA

·      I’d rather have sweet romantic things – not intense stuff

·      Pushing me away- Date rescheduled a lot

·      Friend zone?

·      Hugs with friends…Everything we do is what I do with friends

One reason I feel this way is cuz fear of losing him. Completely natural to feel this way. I trust him, but I’m scared I’ll slip up.

Matt then told me to write goals down.

Physical

·      Kisses

·      More hugs

·      Holding hands

·      Cuddle

·      Just the simple sweet romantics

Emotional

·      Being able to feel comfortable going to him when I have a problem I’m struggling with

·      Being able to open up without anxiety

·    Getting to the point where it’s comfortable to talk about things that I wouldn’t normally be okay talking about

Matt read this and laughed. He said a relationship isn’t a checklist. He said that I should take a leap of faith and just do this all myself.

   “There are so many automatic thoughts in here. First off, I’m crossing Friend Zone off because you’re just being stupid. Lack there of in communicating? Talk to him! Ask him for a secret and you give him one back. Simple. Use logic about if he is being guarded, seriously. Again pushing you away? Use logic, I don’t think so. About slipping up…that’s an automatic thought. Irrational. So stop over thinking. Don’t think, just do,” Matt said before I headed back to my room.