Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

23: "I want someone who is afraid of losing me."

“I want someone who is afraid of losing me.”

Holy Hell! I got home and well, let’s say if I was still back at school no one could tolerate me. Friday was fine. I went to my high school; saw my old friends and favorite teachers. Friday evening was fine too. Saturday…that was the day where I fell a part. The day was fine, I was a bit on edge, but my sister made me go to a fair. I went on new rides that I had been scared to go on since ever, and I think it was a way for me to release everything I was holding in. Overall the fair was fun. But night hit and I couldn’t handle it. I screamed and was moody, and practically begged for alcohol and weed.

     Stupid, right? But what could I else do to calm myself? My dad was pretty chill about it, he even said he would go get me the papers to roll it in, but my mother didn’t allow him to. So dad opened some champagne and gave me a glass, and I drank it, slowly. Now the real person who saved me was Daniel. Without him I don’t know what I would have done. Actually, Daniel saved me multiple times during me and Michaels relationship.

     This was the first time Daniel saved me.

“So what’s happening tonight?” Daniel asked over Facebook messege.

     “Well, I’m home cuz I wasn’t going to spend the weekend at school while Michael was going to two different proms lol so I’ve been spending time with family and friends, what about you what’s up?” I asked.

     “You are seriously a chill girlfriend, not freaking out on him for irrational reasons. Many other couples’ nights will be ruined after tonight =) on high school. Watching Drag Me To Hell. I’ve got a paper to do but taking a break,” Daniel responded.

     “Haha well I honestly thought I could handle it…But I’m not doing so well. But it’s whatever I mean it will be over tomorrow and it will all be fine… Like, I trust him, I just get jealous easily for no goddamn good reason, ya know? I’ve never seen that movie, is it good?” I typed back.

     “I could answer questions you have about him and her (discreetly) if it would ease your mind. Because you have 0 need to be jealous. Not far in enough to tell,” Daniel so kindly offered.

     “Haha okay but I wouldn’t know what to ask…and plus I feel so stupid for having those feelings when there isn’t a reason…Like I have kept them under control but tonight it’s just hard for some reason. Just talking to you is easing my mind. But don’t tell him I was a bit jel or uneasy…Cuz I wouldn’t want him like idk worrying about me cuz I want him to have fun an just be happy, ya know?” I typed, shocked I was this open with Daniel.

     “Exactly. And I know what you mean. If it makes it better, the other girl he’s with is who I was with last year and I’m just like...dying of nostalgia? She told me something like I’ll ‘recognize the dress’ hmm. Michael and Mary Caitlin really aren’t a thing. No, he isn’t even intimate with her. The most they’ve done is walk down a beach talking a year ago and they never stopped. They are just platonic friends that are really close. Michael is closer with you than I’ve ever seen him with anyone. Mental~ physical bond, won’t be altered in the least by tonight. =) I promise you,” Daniel typed easing my paranoid mind.     

     “Thanks for the comforting words you did a great job at easing my mind and making me rational again, and wait really? You think he is closer with me than you’ve ever seen him with anyone? Cuz like wow…Cuz I usually try keeping ppl at a distance to avoid getting hurt an shit and in all honesty I have never been so close with anyone as I’ve been with Michael so it’s scary and exciting at the same time! Lol” I typed daring to open up to Daniel.

     “You’re welcome =) I’m the same way. Love yourself before trying to say you love someone else. Or at least love someone who you can love yourself when you’re around them. I bet the music at the prom is terrible, like last year I didn’t even dance hardly…Taylor Swift and ugh. Michael’s probably like -__- let’s leave plz,” Daniel said.

     “Haha yeah Michael told me he expected the music to be shit. And yeah like it’s hard to get close! But I’ve stayed strong and finally feel easier just going to Michael and talking…It’s strange feeling comfortable like that. It’s scary how much I like him cuz I never know what he is thinking/feeling ya know? But yeah I get the whole love yourself thing. Like ever since Michael came into my life I’ve made improvements on seeing myself the way most people see me (which is positively) and yea I’m rambling now…” I typed kind of embarrassed.

     “You realize the reason is that you see your life and all that you do through your eyes. You don’t see what you do…how you do things…We use our eyes to look at ourselves in mirrors and make us look pretty or handsome or approachable. But we can always feel insecure inside, cuz we know all of the problems that we have. Imperfections. And you act like everyone else can see how you feel (the negativity) but THEY CAN’T unless you express it. That is the reason you can hide pain with a smile…it’s cool now knowing what the other person thinks or what to expect from them. That way everything they do do for you, or when they remember stuff like that you like lilacs or something vague…doesn’t it mean so much more? You’re lucky to have Michael in your life at all, hahaha whe would be so antisocial otherwise. But you two rock and you should enjoy the confusing feelings,” Daniel said making me smile.

     “Aww you’re sweet! And yeah that is too far but funny lol. And I know I’m lucky, I mean we met when I needed my fridge moved, so random and we totally hit it off. It’s just nice to have someone to nerd out with and be able to be yourself around without judgment ya know? And I used to be able to hide everything I felt, but I lost the skill when I went to college,” I replied.

     “I do know yes, like talking with them is like breathing fresh mountain air. The people here I connect with are always like WOW I understand you and you’re so cool and you’re a genius, have you read this… meet me for coffee and we can trade books. And don’t hide emotions. It only cripples you,” Daniel typed, and I knew it was sadly true.

     The rest of our conversation followed that, and Daniel opened up to me with giving me a rant, and I enjoy reading my friends rants because I love giving advice. And The next day, Daniel told me that what I said “helps more than really anyone else has helped before” and that I’m “really good at reaching the points [he] made” and “If [he] ever need[s] to review how and WHY [he] should think about handling this [he] would just read [my] response.”

     I have never felt more complimented in my life. I know that’s lame, but being able to help someone means the world to me, especially when they are someone I care about. Well, I was excited to go back to school. But nervous at the same time.