Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

7: "If it's meant to happen, it's going to happen."

“If it’s meant to happen, it’s going to happen.”

Michael and I were walking downtown together. It was quiet for a while.

     “So last night…” I said feeling like I was reliving what happened with Carter.

   “Last night. I wasn’t planning that. Plus I figured you could possibly have flashbacks to what happened with Carter…” Michael explained.

     “How did you know I would have flashbacks?” I asked because I did.

     “Just a guess since Carter was your first physical experience with a guy,” Michael explained.

     “Oh, okay…” I said.

     Michael and I were quite new to the whole romance thing shall we say. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship or really dated. You all might think, “Oh that’s so cute!” but no. I mean, I thought it was sweet at one time, but after a while…it wasn’t so sweet.

     By the end of our walk ‘n talk, we…well I don’t know where we left it off. All we knew was we liked each other, obviously. Michael and I agreed that we went too fast, and that wasn’t going to happen again. But who are we kidding, right?

     Two nights later what happens? I stay over his dorm again… plus we went farther! Ever heard of self-control? Well we had none.

Hey, it was our first time being physical. We were figuring out that it was hard to control… And let’s just say we really jumped around the bases. I mean we went to third before first. Like…what the fuck! Aren’t you supposed to kiss before doing anything else? Yeah… we were newbs.

     I would love to say we learned, but nope. First relationships…oh the wonderfully awkward ups and downs with a side of confusion. Seriously, if I said I wasn’t confused at least half the time, well, I’d be lying, and I really hate lying. Here is what I wrote in my journal once I got back to my room.

2/3/13 (Sunday)

It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced…So… Apparently Michael is going to ask me out. When/how, I don’t know…I’m just glad he is going to! Also Michael texted Matt that he wants to slow down physically which is a relief! I just don’t want to do anything else until I know Michael and I are going to be in a relationship.

Later that day…

So Michael and I made it official…quite unromantically, which makes it seem like nothings changed. So as of now we are BF & GF and he is taking me out to dinner one weekend, and he wants to slow down physically.

Evening…

So I talked to Michael… I talked a lot but Michael was pretty silent, he said he’s been closed recently…with time he will open up. Anyways, talking helped, but I kind of want to run. Just because running is easier than getting close to someone and having them break your heart. Not that Michael will…but you know what I mean!

How cute am I? No, I am a complete Idiot! God look at me, freaking predicting the inevitable. Remember this: NOTHING lasts forever. It might save your heart, so seriously remember that before you dare entering a relationship. Always protect your heart.

I call myself an idiot because over the years, well, my hearts been torn out, ripped, sliced, stomped on, and just plain shot through. It’s been hell trying to put all the pieces back together, so you would assume I wouldn’t dare let my heart be open to that again. I thought the same thing, but what sucks is you have no control over having feelings for someone.