Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

9: "My Heart Stops When You Look At Me."

"My Heart Stops When You Look At Me."

      Valentine’s day. That wretched day that I hated. It’s a stupid and pointless holiday. And no, I am not bitter about it because I’ve been single each time. I just don’t think there should be one day where you show how much you care. I think everyday you should show you care.

     But I am not going to lie…I was a bit excited this year because I was in a relationship. I got Michael all his favorite candies, and I didn’t have a time to write a card because I was rushing around all day in between classes and I literally couldn’t find a bag to put the candies in, so when I saw Michael that evening…I felt a bit like I failed. Michael on the other hand scored some points. He got me a rose (which I hinted at a couple nights ago with Clara because we figured he would never catch on), two orange Tic Tac boxes (my addiction), a Crunch car, Kit Kats and Hershey’s, and some fancy chocolate from where his sister worked. He also wrote the sweetest card! On the front was a gecko, because he knew that I loved them, and on the inside was a picture of the gecko winking and under that was written, “Glad to be a main character in your story. You’re beautiful inside and out.” I squealed and couldn’t help but smile and I hugged him and thanked him. He totally out did me for Valentine’s Day.

     Michael has a big family. He is a triplet, but only two are identical and one fraternal. Then there’s his sister who is a year younger than all of them. I had the most brilliant idea for Michael’s birthday, but I can’t routine the surprise just yet! I mean, what if he is reading this! Then the surprise would be ruined.

     That night we dressed up and went to an Italian restaurant. The food was great, and I mostly didn’t feel guilty. I then treated him to ice cream. Afterwards I slept over his dorm, and we were physical again, but this time… we kissed! First kiss! Finally! I really don’t remember the physical stuff from that night; the only thing I remember was we finally kissed. That’s all I had wanted for the longest time. I rather have a thousand kisses than being physical. I know you guys all think I’m insane, but hey, what can I say? I like the sweet stuff.

     Things seemed to be turning up for Michael and I. In fact that Sunday I met his family, except for Daniel, who was identical to Michael. I was nervous to say the least. More like terrified. But once I met them, I knew I had nothing to be nervous about.

     We all grabbed a late breakfast at a local popular restaurant. I also met Nelson, one of Michael’s friends who is his brother Holt’s roommate. Let me break down the family.

     Del is the mother, Mike the father, Blair the sister, Daniel and Holt the brothers. I was honestly jealous that Michael had such a big family. Del and I bonded over how we hated that technology kept advancing way too quickly for anyone to keep up. Blair and I didn’t hit it off initially, but we are best friends now.

     Michael stayed dead silent throughout breakfast. I mainly talked to Nelson and Del. I was sad that I didn’t get to meet Daniel, but also relieved. Michael always told me that people mixed them up and honestly I had a nightmare that they played a trick on me and tried to confuse me and test me. I really didn’t want to get them mixed up. It was a huge fear of mine, having not met Daniel yet.

     The rest of Sunday I worked on homework, watched TV, and did laundry. On Tuesday I went to counseling as always, though at this point my eating wasn’t that big an issue. For some reason I talked about Michael mainly.

     As of…well since we’ve been together, since he studies film, he has been quite busy. So it leads to me feeling like I don’t know. That I wasn’t a priority? My journal might explain better.

2/19/13

     Talked about Michael today. I think I left with more worries than I came in with, or am I overthinking/analying? Like last night Michael came over to watch that show. When he left he was going to leave, but then remember to hug me. It’s not like it should be something to remember. He should hug me if he wants to. Like me, I try to show affection toward him because I want to, not because I think he wants me to. I mean, fight my urges to go back to my habits of not showing emotion, and avoiding a problem and stuff. Well, when Michal has time, if ever, I’ll tell him what’s on my mind.

     I tried crying. Obviously couldn’t. I know I’ve wanted to cry for a while, I just can’t do it for some reason and it bugs me.

     Oh! I’ve been wearing lots of black lately and dark makeup. Wonder why (says sarcastically). It makes me feel safe, secure, and I know people wont mess with me, they’ll keep their distance. Distance. Why do I want to keep people away? No! I’m challenging them. Me dressing differently shouldn’t change anything. Gosh! My thoughts are everywhere on so many things! I just want to scream!

     For the love of all that is sane! I just…I don’t know. I just fucking want a safe place, one that I would be okay with crying. I can’t cry in my room, don’t know/trust roommates. Even if I found a place would I even be able to? Whatever. My head is everywhere! Past, present, future! Damn habits! No running. No armor. Don’t put up defenses, you don’t need them. Not now. For the love of all that is sane why am I freaking? Really, I can’t pinpoint what is really bothering me.

     I had dinner with Christian and he helped me figure something out! Michael and I…we are normally at a speed of 15 mph during the week, then the weekend hits, moon comes up and some how we end up flooring the pedal to 100 mph. I wondered why until Christian said it could be because we both want to show affection regularly, but we’re too afraid, so when I stay over, we just loose it and can’t hold out any longer. Makes sense!

     So why can’t Michael and I kiss/hug/hold hands every now and then? Maybe things wouldn’t go so fast/uncontrollably every time I stay in his room. Maybe that’s the solution? I mean, sometimes I feel like anytime we are close its at night and we don’t control ourselves, morning hits and we go back to a slow speed and it feels like its hidden or…I don’t know how to explain it.

     Like I would have been fine just making out with Michael on Valentines day, not to say I didn’t enjoy what we did, but I would have been fine with just making out. Like we go from a snail pace to a cheetah pace and then back to snail. It’s tiring. It’s like being jerked back and forth. We need to find a middle ground. Or stick with one or the other.

       It’s like confusing me to how much he likes me or not. And I already have enough issues with accepting that he likes me, or had enough issues. I mean, like I know he likes me, but when the week comes right after we were so close and suddenly we are distant its confusing. It makes me doubt everything, as stupid as that sounds. Its just like a switch turns on and off and there’s two separate relationships happening or something.

     It’s just confusing to be so slow (almost no emotion) to a quick intimate situation, then next morning not acknowledge it happened and go back to a slow no emotion kind of pace. It just really confuses me to no end because its like what speed does he want? Does he want to go that fast? Does he not?

Two more good memories to be told, and then everything falls to shit.