Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

13: "My nightmares are usually about losing you."

“My nightmares are usually about losing you.”

Now this was previously written as exactly what happened, but had to be edited for class, so it isn’t exactly what happened, but close enough because i honestly can't remember how it originally happened.

Clara opened the door and I was balling. Clara ushered me in and I saw our friend Mario and Christian. They asked what happened and I explained it to them.

     “I am a horrible person! I hate myself! How could I do something so terrible to someone I care so much about? I can’t stand myself! I am a terrible person,” I say before losing it all over again.

“Vanna, you are not a terrible person. You made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Yes, this was a big one, but that doesn’t define you. You are such a good person. You did the right thing by telling him. I respect you for that. It was probably really hard,” Mario said.

“It was! And seeing his face…I died inside. I just can’t stand myself! I hurt him so much! He was tearing up, and he wouldn’t look at me…I don’t think he wanted me to know he was crying. I just mate myself so much right now!” I said as I broke down all over again, “I…just…am…so…bad!” I sobbed.

“Stop. Hating yourself isn’t what you should do,” Christian said.

“But I do. I want to do so many bad things to myself! I wanted to cut, but I wouldn’t because I promised Michael I would never. I also was thinking about not eating…” I trailed off, sniffling.

“You shouldn’t punish yourself, and I am glad you didn’t do anything to hurt yourself. Promise me you won’t do that. If you are ever thinking about it, or close to thinking like that you call me. Even if it’s two in the morning,” Christian said looking at me.

I nodded and replied, “I promise, and thanks. But still, I hate myself…and I know I have to try to forgive myself but right now I just can’t. Do you guys hate me?” I asked.

“No!” They all said in unison.

“No one hates me…why? I am so used to making one mistake and everyone turning on me,” I explained.

“Then they were shitty to begin with and they shouldn’t matter to you. And why would we hate you for one mistake? You were intoxicated, and couldn’t make decisions. It isn’t your fault,” Clara explained.

“No, she made a decision. She decided to go there, and put herself in that situation,” Mario argued.

     I started to cry again hearing that. I already felt shitty enough.

     “So it’s her fault? Mario, this isn’t what she needs to hear right now. Vanna, it isn’t your fault, don’t pay attention to Mario. It’s okay, everything’s going to be okay,” Clara said.

     “How? How is everything going to be okay? I screwed up! And I’m probably going to lose Michael! How could I have been so stupid?!” I cried.

     “Calm down, it isn’t your fault,” Clara repeated.

“Actually it is, she put herself in that-“ Mario started but was cut off.

“MARIO! Shut up! She doesn’t need to hear that! She needs support right now, not criticism!” Clara snapped to my defense.

“Vanna, what drove you to that situation?” Mario asked.

“I wanted to escape from the stress I’ve been under with school and Michael. I thought going to a friends to watch movies and smoke weed would be okay since everyone basically told me it was,” I sniffled.

“Yes, but how did it happen? I mean, you explained it, but obviously something drove you to get that attention,” Mario pointed out.

“I told you! Michael is never around, but it’s not his fault. But couldn’t he just fucking say ‘You look nice today’ or give me a kiss or show some kind of affection so I don’t doubt myself or his feelings for me?” I cried.

“I want to try something. Lay down and cry and let all your feelings out,” Mario said.

“Mario this isn’t-“ Clara started.

“Just let me try it!” Mario cut off.

“Okay, so let’s just calm down…Vanna and I are going to go to the sandwich shop and let you two fight our your issues because you guys aren’t helping,” Christian explained.

Going with Christian to let him get a sandwich gave me time to clear my head. When we walked back in Mario and Clara apologized.

“Thank guys, I mean it. Thank you for being here for me and calming me down. I think I’m just going to go to bed,” I explained.

Part of my journal entry from the day after when I went to counseling and explained what happened.

2/28/13

I figured out I do feel violated and taken advantage of. When they heard me say he was 24 they both had the same disgusted reaction I had. Lauren said, “Sounds like a predator, I mean he is 24 and you’re 19…” Predator that word makes me sick. I feel sick. Up until this morning all I cared and worried about was Michael and his feelings…I did what I was avoiding…I admitted I felt violated. I keep having flashbacks. I can hear his voice and it makes me sick. When I told them about what he was saying that he was the teacher and I his student they both looked shocked and disturbed.

How the fuck did I get myself in such a dangerous situation? I’m just glad he didn’t go farther or I don’t know how I’d be holding up. But damn! When I think of the things he did it makes me want to vomit! I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I swear if it weren’t for Christian I don’t know how I’d be hanging on.

Why did I let Reece do it? Was there some subconscious part of me that thought I deserved to be violated and treated like that?

I really don’t want my parents knowing I feel this way about what happened now that I’m sober. Too many emotions. Shame, Guilt, Hatred, Regret, Sadness, Violated…and for what? Temporary pleasure that didn’t even feel right? I will not drink again.

I will survive no matter the pain and regret. Yes, I feel like I’m drowning in this new realization but you have to be strong. Keep a façade on. Don’t let them see you’re suffering. Just breathe. You’re on your own against the world. Be strong. You’ll get through this.

Christian is there for you. He will help you through this. You aren’t alone. Also you need to eat + sleep. And you need to come to terms with the fact that you were taken advantage of sexually. Now, move on. You can’t do anything about what happened.

The next couple days were hell. Watching TV to forget, eating kit kats to calm my nerves, playing with my lighter, biting my nails, seeing my reflection and crying, throwing my pillow and screaming, pacing back and forth, kicking my trash can, and refusing food.

Now I ate…just extremely minimally. Michael Facebook messaged me for the first time since I had told him saying, “No ones going anywhere. We’re not leaving love behind. I’m not. Was never planning on it…I’m sorry I haven’t been there. I’ve been saying that since day one of this whole crazy schedule. I mean it too. I’m not leaving. I’m only trying to find time to come back,” he said in response to a song I had posted that I had listened to.

Saturday came, and Michael’s friend Matt hung out with me that night.

“So what’s up? How are you doing? Matt asked knowing what happened as I had broke down in front of him.

“Alright, Michael messaged me saying that he wasn’t leaving, so yeah…” I said kind of happy.

“You realize he means as a friend. He isn’t leaving you as a friend, but he is most likely leaving you as a boyfriend,” Matt bluntly said.

I couldn’t breathe. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.

“What?” I managed to ask as tears formed, “He told you that?”