Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

19: "If you're going through hell, keep going."

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Classes were good. I was taking Psych, Photo, and Art history (bleh!). Michael and I…were good! The weekend came and Michael and I were physical again, no issue.

     This is where I started my suppression of what had happened to me.

     That night…was fun. It felt like things were getting better between us. Of course, Michael just needs…to not stop in the middle of it, leaving me hanging. But I figured it was a one-time thing, so I let it slip. Plus, I was just happy we were reconnecting and working things out.

     That weekend though I had cramps, but no period. It was now just over a month since the incident had happened and I was freaking in my head because apparently according to my app I was a week late. That’s when I got scared that I couldn’t remember. I was crazy emotional, and I had cravings, and certain things I could look at and feel sick.

     No I am not pregnant don’t even think that. But that’s exactly what I was worried about, though I knew Reece hadn’t gone that far. But because at the time my memory sucked at recalling the event, the blanks scared me. Of course I was just paranoid but who wouldn’t be if you couldn’t remember things that happened that night?

     Now I know, I was crazy stupid to even think about it, but I wanted to just take a test to ease my own mind, ya know? My counselor said there was nothing wrong with doing anything that would help me deal with it all.

     Luckily my period came a couple days later and boy was I relieved. Honestly if I had found out that Reece had gone farther than I thought he did I don’t think I would have made it through it all.

3/30/13

     I’m scared. It’s scary being close to someone. Like its strange that im so comfortable around Michael’s family and even him. I’m just not used to it. I know I have nothing to fear, but still its there. That I’ll lose him somehow. It’s stupid. But that’s why I don’t get close to people because I’m preparing for them to leave so I don’t let them in.

     But I’ve let Michael in, maybe that’s why I’m scared, cuz I already let him in and now there’s nothing I can do to change the fact that he know me. That’s why I love my psych class. I can learn more about why I do what I do.

     But seriously, why am I so scared of loss? Of being abandoned? Of being rejected? Like I haven’t really spoken to Michael since that night and like after being so close then like nothing, I think it freaks me out a bit, though it shouldn’t. I don’t know, all I know is that I’ll  probably be closed or distant when I see him next just cuz of that uneasiness.

     Michael dropped by, and I was scared, but IDK.

That Sunday we went to Michaels house and Nelson was there too. Michael seriously was confusing the hell out of me, as always, and I took advantage of the fact that Nelson was there.

“I know,” Nelson said as we sat alone in the den.

“Know?” I asked, afraid it was what I thought it was.

“About that night, Michael told me yesterday, but don’t tell him I told you I know,” Nelson said as he saw tears form in my eyes, “Hey, it’s okay. It’s not your fault,” Nelson assured.

“It’s just I can’t forgive myself, and I can’t…I just-“

Michael came in the room, and I went dead silent, not looking at him so he wouldn’t see I was crying. Nelson and Michael talked, and I left the room trying to gain composure and not lose it. Not here. Not now.

Michael left, and I went back to talk to Nelson. We had a heart to heart, but kept getting interrupted by every possible person. Eventually Nelson said, “Michael likes you. A lot. I’ve never seen him like anyone like this before. He wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t forgive you.”

The next day I had a lot to say in my journal.

4/1/13

     Yesterday triggered so many emotions. With each new person that knows, the feelings of guilt/shame/blame/hate etc overwhelm me. It was bad last night. This morning those feelings still linger. God! I feel so emo right now. Like my emotions are everywhere. Fuck! I hate this! Last night was a low, like I feel like I’m regressing back to week one after it happened with my current mental state. I just want it to all go away.

     Why can’t I get over this? I can feel myself putting my guard up. I can feel myself pulling away. I’m fighting it though. But that seems to make me weaker…how do I get through this? That’s the million dollar question!

     I am tired of being scared. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling like shit! I’m tired of feeling like I’m going INSANE. I want to be able to forgive myself.

     I fought that mental battle and ended up giving Michael a playlist of songs that reminded me of my own feelings, so just maybe he would get that I was not okay.