Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

22: "A jealous girlfriend, is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesn't get...

“A jealous girlfriend, is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesn’t get jealous when someone has your attention, then someone else has hers.”

That Tuesday in therapy I addmited I was jealous.

“Like I hate it, I don’t want to feel that way. But I do,” I said sitting not wanting to look at my therapist.

“Jealousy is a normal feeling, and as you said it isn’t a great amount of jealousy, you said its just there, under the surface.”

     “Yeah, and I am not telling Michael. I know you said I could, but I rather not say anything. My mom told me to keep quiet anyways, she figured I’d drive him away or something, I don’t know. But I can deal, I will just not think about it. The less I know about that weekend the better,” I said.

     “We haven’t really talked about Reece, you’ve mainly talked about Michael during these sessions. Let’s touch on how you’re dealing with Reece,” my therapist suggested.

     Look, I wasn’t avoiding talking about Reece, it’s just, Michael was the one on my mind and who I was focused on, and well he was still in my life. But I knew I would have to talk about Reece at one time or another.

     “Right, so I am confused. I have good memories with him, yet that night…and how? I mean, I remember him giving me a ride back to the dorms, and we were just jamming to music having a fun ride home. But I know it doesn’t make up for the fact that that night happened. But it’s hard. I want him to be a villain in my mind, yet I can’t see him as one,” I explained.

     Reece and Michael. Those were my sessions. Reece still entered my head at least once a day. I really had to get better at this repression thing.

     Later that week after photo class me and a friend from class ran into some homeless guys who had the cutest kitten named Ja-Vu, like déjà-vu. The two homeless guys called themselves SavannahShaggy and Dopey. SavannahShaggy and I had a lot in common when making small talk while I played with the kitten. He asked before I left if I could be his girlfriend. It was strange, but a self-esteem boost no less.

     Just when I needed it to. I was down that week because of therapy and what we had discussed. But I was determined to change that. That evening, Christian, Michael and I ate dinner together. We were walking out, and somehow got on the conversation of self-defense. That night Christian showed me some moves and for the first time, I started to feel safe again.

     I mean, spending the nights at Michaels and learning self-defense…it helped a lot. That weekend, I wanted to do something out of routine. Michael and I were in his dorm room, and well, everything was closed besides the restaurant he took me to for Valentine’s Day. We went there and to the same ice cream shop afterwards. It was a nice evening of just getting out. Also Michael so kindly helped me study for my first Art History exam.

     So that week, I think I did well on my exam. It’s all thanks to Michael really. That weekend my roommates were out of town and Michael spent the weekend at my dorm for once. It was nice. And well that weekend we went father than we’ve ever gone. I did the two things I was most nervous of doing, but I did them. And no, not revealing what we did. But holy mother of fuck…I was terrified half the time. But that weekend marked me fully trusting Michael because of what happened.  All I can say was that weekend was filled with new things.

     The next week I felt things changing. In a good way I guess. Well, in my head not so good, but to every normal person it would be good. My feelings were growing, and that scared me. So… we talked.

4/24/13

     We talked about how my feelings have grown. Michael said his feelings have to, and that he would be scared if they hadn’t, not had. That makes sense. Also we talked about Sex. We both dono’t want to do it, but for different reasons. His is pregnancy, other peoplr are doing it, and the short time. I agree with pregnancy, but my main thing I I don’t want to have sex with him unless I know im in love with him. And right now I can say I’m not yet in love. I mean, I love him, but not like that… Like I love him like I love my friends, not romantically yet. See to me there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. In my eyes loving someone doesn’t have to be romantic, whereas if you say you’re in love then it is implied that it’s romantic.

     But it’s strange how strong my feelings are. I’ve never felt for someone the way I do about him. The only reason it scares me is because it’s the unknown, new. But I also am trying to embrace it. So when I talked to Michael about last night he said “the better question is does it scare you that someone cares about you just as much?”

      What a better way to send off your girlfriend than that right? You’re about to go to two proms as their dates, while I’m about to go home and try and forget. At least I felt wanted for once!