Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

27: " He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not."... "If your girlfriend is pretty ...

“ He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not.”

“If your girlfriend is pretty and a lot of guys want her, that’s another reason to treat her right. At least you got what they can’t have.”

5/20/13

         So Michael and I got into a fight Thursday night but we made up on Saturday night. Then Sunday night we had dinner with Kyle and hung out with Nelson after =). Then I’m guna hang with Nelson on Friday before we pick up Michael.

         Also eating has been good. Yesterday I didn’t eat as mch as I should have but I’ll get back on track.

         Nelson and I had been talking a lot as of lately. He has been giving me advice about Michael and just helping me when Michael confused the fuck out of me. I mean, who wouldn’t be confused? This whole hot and cold thing was making me dizzy.

5/22/13

         So last night Nelson and I hung out but by the end of the night Nelson basically told me he liked me. Like not in those words, just throughout the conversation that night. I told Michael. He is going to talk to Nelson. Nelson just hates that he is going to lose one of us. He said either he and Michael stay tight and we are awkward, or we hang out and Michael is pissed. First if it were to upset Michael there’s no way I’d hang with Nelson. I guess we will see at the end of the day when it happens.

Michael was pretty chill about his best friend liking me. Though Nelson wasn’t too happy that Michael asked whether he should call Nelson. I mean Michael of course had to call Nelson and talk. He shouldn’t have even had to ask, but that’s Michael. In the end Nelson, Michael and I all stayed friends but I wasn’t aloud to see him until I had to leave since school ended in a week. That was perfectly understandable.

Finals. How I hated them. With the stress of finals, I couldn’t do it…I couldn’t keep everything suppressed that I had been suppressing. Well, my eating went right out the door, my family was pissed at me, and at the same time everything was unraveling.

5/26/13

         So last three days I haven’t eaten much at all. Finals are the death of me…and today is our four month anniversary. It also marks 3 months since that night…and it’s official now…I have PTSD! My memory has been coming back over the past week. Last night I tried to start from the beginning of the night…but once the alcohol came in I couldn’t remember. Like…it’s blank. It makes me angry!

         I think I’ve napped twice today. I’m so…IDK the word. I hate fighting. Still fighting with the family. I feel alone. Like it’s me against the world. I feel like no one understands. My parents know I need help for eating, but the second I mentioned “Reece” they flipped out! He is connected to my eating whether they like it or not. After it happened my eating went to shit!

         Last night Michael, Angel, and I went downtown. Reece was at his club last night. Luckily we didn’t pass the club that night, but the realization that he was so close…shocked me. Scares me. I guess I didn’t really know how scared I was about if I saw him again until now…

         That last week of school, in top of finals, I realized I wanted to come forward about what happened. That was until I told Christian, but he was understanding. All I wanted was information of what would happen if I did come forward. So he went to the station with me after class on Tuesday and supported me in just learning about it.

         I didn’t want to tell Michael. I knew he wouldn’t support it. Hell, I knew no one would. Of course, I couldn’t not tell Michael so I did tell him either that night or the next day. Michael was not happy. That’s when he said he could never use the word “recently” again. Reece-ently. And he talked about the stupid candy Reese’s and how he couldn’t still eat them. God! Like I wasn’t already having a hard enough time without guilt coming back.