Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

18:"I am an introvert. That means when I'm feeling down, chances are...

“I am an introvert. That means when I’m feeling down, chances are that I won’t actually go to you for help. In fact, I won’t go to anyone for help. You’ll have to actually check on me. I don’t feel that I should burden others with my problems but if you come to me, and prove to me that you really do care, I might just trust you enough to let you help."

     That quote is seriously true. Well all the quotes that begin these chapters are true. But honestly, that quote...explains why it was so hard for me to go to Michael. I never wanted him to know if I was struggling. I hated telling him that. You know why? Because he never opened up to me about him and his issues. Not until like month three maybe. So why in the world should I go to him, telling him about my issues when he couldn’t even tell me about his?

I hated crying, yet that’s exactly what I needed to do. The stress of finals with all the other things going on was drowning me. So I wanted to relax. I watched a TV show that deals with kids who were adopted. I am adopted. There was a scene where the girl found her birth mother that hit home with me. It hit my abandonment issues. Honestly I can trace back a lot of my issues to my adoption.

Don’t get the wrong idea; I have nothing wrong with being adopted. I actually forget most times that I am because my family is so close. I actually have never felt bad about being adopted (except when Michael said something that comes way later in the story).

When I left for spring break, Michaels father so graciously let me stay the night at their house and he drove me to the airport and waited with me until I went through security. That day we bonded. I can never really express how thankful I am to have met Michael’s family. Each one of them has impacted me in different ways. Good ways. They made me feel accepted. It was a nice feeling, one that came naturally with them.

That week at home I was constantly on the move, almost never sitting still or at home. I was with friends, out at restaurants, driving places. But I saw a physician when I went home because I had a dizzy spell at Michaels and thought best to check it out. I told the doctor about what happened with Reece and she told me I needed to see a therapist ASAP. So that afternoon I saw one. Actually that therapist is the one I’m seeing now. She is great really. Very helpful. She made me understand a lot at that time, when I really didn’t understand much at all.

I thought that I was good. Well, not healed, but better. And when I got back on Friday to spend the weekend at Michaels it was brilliantly fun. Hard, but fun.

“Nelson is coming over, and then we might go back to his house,” Michael said.

“Yeah, sounds fun,” I replied and went back to bed.

When Nelson arrived I was in bed, exhausted from staying up that night crying. Yes, I called my dad at two in the morning crying in Daniels bed.

I was staying in Daniel’s room because he was away at school. Michael woke me up and I headed downstairs and we all ate food and then got in the car and went to Nelsons.

I met Nelsons family and two guys named Will and James. Will was white and lanky with shaggy brown hair whereas James was dark skinned with black silky hair and built. We ended up watching two movies. The first one sucked. The second one scared the living hell out of me.

I hate the boogieman. That was a huge childhood fear and watching a movie about the boogieman scared me. It meant I got to cuddle with Michael so I wasn’t complaining too much. After the movie ended I told Nelson I wanted to go home. Nelson drove Michael and I back to Michaels house.

“You can stay in my bed tonight, if you want,” Michael offered when we got home.

“Yeah?” I asked looking in every direction expecting the boogieman to jump out and get me.

“Yeah, I’m sure my parents will understand. I will write them a note explaining it,” Michael said as I went to change into my PJ’s.

Honestly I was shocked and unsure about staying in Michael’s bed because I still felt enormous amount of guilt. I just figured he wouldn’t want me anywhere near him. That night though, made me realize Michael had forgiven me. I couldn’t believe it. We talked and cuddled, and were a bit physical. I wasn’t scared though, and I thought I would be, but it felt okay. And after being a bit physical I felt like maybe we were okay. Maybe we were going to get through it. Also Michael asked if I was on Birth Control.

Way to blind-side me dude! Honestly I had thought about it, but some types can give you weight gain, and in my condition that would be very bad…so I told him no. He told me good, because I didn’t need it because that wasn’t his goal. I told him that whenever he was ready it could happen. No response. Way to confuse me even more! This kid…how the fuck did I put up with him? Seriously!