Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

21: "Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but ...

“Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” 

4/6/13

     Last night was perfect. Just simple cuddling. I felt safe. When I stay over with Michael I get to sleep so much easier because I feel safe, I think that’s it. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep, because I don’t feel safe. I mean, when guys look at me I feel scared and violated like they can see through my clothes. Like when I was out, there was this guy in the restaurant, and hell he gave me the creeps! I am not quite sure how to make me feel safe again.

     Two days later I am chilling in my room, kind of having an iffy night when I start talking to my friend from high school, Ryan. We talked for two hours! I told him everything.

     “…now I’m all flustered,” I typed.

     “What the fuck,” Ryan responded.

     “Yeah, I am just glad Reece didn’t go all the way…”

     “Fuck Reece”

     “haha yeah, but I had flashbacks for awhile and I had a nightmare…” I opened up.

     “What the fuck bro, go have him arrested for that shit,” Ryan typed, which shocked me.

     “But he didn’t go all the way,” I explained.

     “Doesn’t matter. That’s sexual assault. Fuck Reece. Seriously, go to he police,” Ryan said.

     “I didn’t give consent to everything that is true…”

     “THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT” Ryan typed, and I didn’t want to hear it.

     “Don’t say that…it isn’t. Maybe. IDK. All I know is that I am working on forgiving myself for hurting Michael and am working through what happened,” I explained.

     “FUCK MICHAEL AND FUCK REECE. REECE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU,” Ryan typed out of anger.

     “Why Michael? He has been nothing but a gentleman,” I assured.

     “Michael needs to understand that what happened is not okay and is sexual assault,” Ryan explained.

     “I just hated myself for a while, like I hated myself, for hurting Michael,” I explained as guilt overcame me.

     “You cannot be blamed for anything that happened that night,” Ryan said.

     “Yeah he get’s it now, but not when I originally told him,” I said trying to come to Michaels defense.

     “You did not hurt Michael, trust me,” Ryan said.

     “Why can’t I be blamed? He was upset. I can still see his face when I told him…he was hurt,” I assured.

     “Because you were taken advantage of. Reece knew that you were dunk/high/incapacitated. He wasn’t. This is not okay. Seriously,” Ryan said, trying to get it through my head.

     “I realize that I couldn’t control what happened in the state I was in,” I replied.

     “YES. THAT IS WHY YOU WERE THE VICTIM. REECE IS A GODDAMN RAPIST,” Ryan capitalized, trying to get his point across.

     “You see why I said not to tell anyone right? Katie and Olivia know, but that’s it. And you, now,” I explained.

     “Exactly! In that situation, you couldn’t do anything. Reece should have known better and should have stopped. Vanna, please, tell someone about this,” Ryan practically begged over the computer screen.