Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

20: "Romeo & Juliet is just another example of why communication...

“Romeo & Juliet is just another example of why communication within a relationship is so crucial.”

That evening Michael and I talked until two in the morning!!! He FINALLY opened up! We talked about so many things I can’t even remember, though I remember talking and feeling like he was about to break up with me, and that scared me, but then the conversation turned, and that’s when he opened up.

     I finally understood that the reason Michael and I weren’t “perfect” wasn’t entirely my fault. With what he opened up about, which I cannot reveal, I suggested that he watch that serial killer show I was into, DEXTER, because Dexter Morgan was crazy similar to Michael.

4/2/13

     I finally learned something about Michael. I feel like he finally opened up. Even though all we established was that he doesn’t know a lot about what he wants/needs/feels it taught me a lot about him.

     Finally it feels like it’s not just me talking about myself, and me being the open one. It’s great that we talked. Like I enjoyed it even though parts were scary. Like talking about that night. Michael said, “Would it help if I said that I forgive you?” Honestly I didn’t think it would help, but hearing him say it helped a lot actually...

     Like I just nee to hear people say things before I can believe them myself. I don’t know why, but I just need to hear it. Like even though I can fear showing emotion cuz of rejection at least now if I attempt showing emotion I know why he doesn’t respond…normally.

     But my question is how does he like me if he doesn’t know what he feels? Paradox? I’m probably over thinking…

     Over thinking…its what Michael and I do best. It’s also something to not do when in a relationship, be warned.

     The next day I was stressing. I know, when am I not stressed? But I was stressed enough to take a laxative, thinking that would fix everything. Wrong. I felt guilty as hell, and regretted it. I called my sister for help.

     “…Nelly, I need help,” I said after explaining.

     “I am sending you your wrist bands,” Nelly said.

     My wrist bands…the ones I got two summers ago from being in the ER. I honestly think I ended up there because of the extremes I went to with my eating and stuff. So I kept those wristbands as a reminder to not do that behavior.

     Michael was not pleased when I told him. He didn’t understand and was confused as to why I did it. It was stress over school, me trying to suppress everything, and my general confusion with Michael. Then the next day? I didn’t eat breakfast. Why? I didn’t want to look “fat”. I know, stupid, I am no where near fat, yet I knew that if I ate, I would have that feeling I have after eating…which was bloated.

     The next day Michael ate with me, making sure I ate. Except, stupidly Matt and Jen had to come along. As if eating wasn’t hard enough in front of just Michael.

     I don’t know what they were all talking about at the table, all I was concentrated on was trying to get down the soup.

     Take a bite. It’s okay. You can eat. It’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen was my thought process. It was like that most times I ate. My stupid head couldn’t shut up and let me enjoy a meal. I kind of failed with the meal, only maybe half eating it. I was antsy and didn’t want to keep still as my head was screaming at me.

     “Hey, I’ll be back,” I said as I left the table, leaving the restaurant and walking to the bank. I looked behind me and spotted Michael, but quickly turned my head back, pretending I didn’t see him.

     Getting my money from the machine, I turned and Michael was standing there.

     “You followed me?” I asked pretending like I was shocked.

     “Yeah,” Michael said shrugging.

     “Why?” I asked, not able to hide my smile.

     “Last time you ran out you had a freak out, and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean, it wasn’t really an option to not follow you,” Michael said.

     Favorite memory right there people. It is the one time I remembered he showed he cared.

     The next day I had therapy. We talked about Reece, and my PTSD and memory issues and my repression. Wasn’t fun. But, I wanted to get over it, and that was one way to do it, talk about it.