Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

12:"There should be a relationship status for 'I don't even know...

“There should be a relationship status for ‘I don’t even know what’s going on.’”

Before writing about what happened the next morning, let me give you some information regarding sexual assault, because no one in my life understands no matter how many times i explain. People who have been assaulted can develop PTSD (which I have), substance abuse (trust me I would Love nothing more than to drink and forget, but drinking gives me flashbacks), Self-harm (I’ll get into that one later), depression (which my therapist says I’m dealing with), sleep disorders (I haven’t been able to sleep right since the incident), eating disorders (which I already had, but after the event, it got worse), body memories (I get dizzy spells when I think about it or any of the traumatic things I’ve been through this year), suicide (I mention it not because I am suicidal, I AM NOT. But due to everything that I’ve been through, there are days when I brake down and think I can’t get through it…and have thought about what if I didn’t have to deal with it all. But of course I remember all the good things).

Helping someone who’s been through this can be difficult. I know Michael struggled with it. My family does. Listening, being patient and not judgmental is key. But with sexual assault many feelings can be attached to the event. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, blame, hate, and many more. You will see them as the story continues. But how does a loved one deal with knowing that someone they loved was assaulted? Shock, anger, sadness, anxiety are some emotions that come with the territory. But I’m not here to edify you; I’m here to tell you my story.

Waking up in Reece’s bed, I read the time and it was 11:30. Sitting up carefully, not waking Reece, I sneaked out of his room and grabbed my cell phone and called Michael.

“Hey Michael. How was class this morning?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady and low.

“It was fine. Are you still at Reece’s?” Michael replied.

“Yeah, I am,” I replied, knowing my voice faltered.

“You okay?” Michael asked concern in his voice.

“Yeah, I just really wanted to hear your voice, I know I saw you yesterday but I really miss you. Are you free anytime soon? Tomorrow? Friday? Tonight?” I asked desperately knowing I had to tell him.

“I am crazy busy until Friday, but I can spare some time this evening,” Michael said.

“Okay, see you tonight then,” I said before hanging up as guilt consumed me.

I was crazy tired, and headed back into bed and slept, or tried to, but to no avail. Looking at the clock it read one.

“Reece,” I said waking him, “I slept through my classes, I need to get back to the dorms.”

“My roommate has the car; he’ll be back soon,” Reece mumbled as he fell back asleep.

I hesitantly got up and sat in the TV room on the couch. I waited and waited. I texted everyone I knew that had a car, but they all had class. I even called security to get back, but they weren’t on the clock. Eventually Evan got back.

“Can I go home now?” I asked hesitantly.

“Sure, where’s Reece?” Evan asked.

“Asleep.”

I could hear Evan wake Reece up and tell him he had to drive me back to the dorms. Reece entered the room after a minute and I grabbed my bag and headed to the door a bit eagerly. Getting in the car Reece looked at me and asked, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I quietly said, “Well, no. Guilty. I am a terrible person. Michael deserves better,” I said trying to keep myself together.

“Hey, stop it. You are a really sweet girl, okay? And just don’t tell him. Just let it slide. It will be our secret, no one has to know,” Reece said.