Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

28: "If a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart...

“If a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she is the one.”

5/31/12

         Michael n I broke up last night.

         Morning came, and I woke up, and saw my mom, I remembered what happened and wished I hadn’t woken up. I wanted to be sedated. I cried and got in a shower, and cried. Mom brought food back from downstairs, and I ate some when I got out of the shower.

         I pulled myself together before we headed back to the dorms to finish moving stuff out. If moving in was a bitch, moving out was hell. Sadly I ran into Michael. But I was glad in a way. Things didn’t seem to change much. Plus he left me because he loved me. I kept saying that in my head.

         But I was mad. I took a swiffer, broke the end off and smashed it on my mattress listening to “Potential Breakup Song” by Aly & AJ.  I smashed it and smashed it trying to get the anger out. I knew everything was my fault no matter if Michael said it wasn’t. If I didn’t have an eating disorder or PTSD or hadn’t met Reece…

         Michael came by and dropped off my statement and said I should press charges if it was going to make me feel better. Having Michael’s permission made me feel like I could again. God, we were done and I still wouldn’t do anything without Michael’s approval… I mean that’s probably because Michael had said that it was possible we could get back together.

         I ran into Michael’s family when I dropped off a book I had wanted to give Daniel for his early birthday present. Del took me outside because she had a present for me.

         I was tearing up because she got me something. I opened it and cried as Del explained it. It was a book, and there were quotes in it, and just every day I could open it to a random page and that would be my quote of the day.

         “You know Michael and I broke up right?” I asked.

         “No I didn’t, I’m sorry,” Del said.

         “It’s okay, it’s for he best,” I lied.

         “You’ve been strong,” Del said.

         “You know?” I asked, “About what happened? About Reece?”

         “I don’t know details. I didn’t know his name, but I knew something was up. I am so sorry,” Del said.

         We talked and Del assured me it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t deserve it. The quote for today was perfect.

         “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.”

         I pulled myself together as Del got Daniel to help me move out. Again, Daniel to the rescue. Daniel and I had a heart to heart. He always knew what to say to make me feel better. I had one last meal with Michael, his brothers and mother. Getting back Michael helped me get my bike into the rental car. We said goodbye. And once he was out of sight I broke down. One, because I was sad, and two because I have separation anxiety and just thinking about not seeing Michael, Daniel, Holt, Blair, Del and Mike was painful. I loved them all so much.

         Michael told me not to hang out with Nelson that night in front of my mother, and my mother agreed. At the time I agreed. But once my mom and I got back to the hotel I felt myself becoming depressed. I called Nelson and asked if he could meet me a bit before so I could talk to him since I had texted him Michael and I were done last night.