Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

14: "Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild...

“Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along.”

“No, but that’s probably what is going to happen,” Matt said.

I paced Matt’s room before speaking again.

“Are you kidding? Gosh, no…what? He…but, shit!” I said heading toward the door.

“Wait! Don’t leave!” Matt called making no effort to stop me.

Exiting Matt’s room, which was on the same floor just opposite side, I ran down the hall, down the stairs having a panic attack. I couldn’t tell whether to go to Clara’s or call Christian.

Fuck! I can’t believe this! I DESERVE this! Where to go? Room? No, too tempting to cut…Call Christian! Was my thought process.

Pulling out my phone, sobbing, I called.

“Christian? Where are you? Oh…I …No, I can’t, I mean, I’m sorry, I have to go,” I said in a jumbled state.

I didn’t want to bother Christian, so I ran to Clara’s room bursting through the door, falling to the ground completely broken.

“What’s wrong?” Clara asks, pulling me into her lap.

“I’m Broken,” I wailed, “Matt said Michael might likely break up with me! I’m broken. I am nothing. I can’t take this! I am broken! I can’t stand myself, I feel so violated and terrible! I hate myself!” I sobbed.

“Hey, Vanna, it’s going to be okay, calm down, look at me,” Mario said.

“I hate myself! I’m broken. I can’t take this! I can’t do this. I regret and hate and am guilty. I am worthless! I am nothing!” I cried.

“You’re not broken, it’s okay. Shhh, everything’s going to be okay,” Clara comforted.

“It’s not, Michaels going to leave me. I deserve it too! God why? Why did I do this? Why did I let it happen? Why? Why? Why?” I said as I broke down even more.

“Vanna, Listen to me. I understand what it’s like to feel so close and connected with someone and to have it fall apart. I know what you’re feeling, I know. It gets better though. You just have to take one day at a time. It’s a long process and it will take time to get over this, but you will get through this. You are strong. Seeing you now, I realize the mistake wasn’t Reece; it was getting too attached too quickly. That’s why it hurts,” Mario explained.

“This is why I don’t get close to people! I hate it! I hate it! I stay away from people because of this! I can’t do this! I hate admitting my feelings! I hate having feelings! I hate that I like Michael so much! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! This is why I stay away…this is why I don’t get close; this is why I never admit my feelings for people! I can’t take it…this pain!” I sobbed uncontrollably.

Clara held me closely and talked to me like a mother would her child, “You’re going to be okay. Don’t say that. It’s not getting close to people that causes this. Everything will be okay, you will see.”

“Vanna, what can I say or do to get you out of this terrible mental state, because I can’t leave you like this. What can I do?” Mario asked desperately.

“I don’t know, I don’t know! I am just broken!” I cried.

“You are not broken; you are here. Alive. Things will get better,” Mario assured.

“Call Christian now!” Clara ordered.

I sobbed, and suddenly I wasn’t in Clara’s arms, but Christians, as he held me tightly as I sobbed into his jacket.

“Shhh, everything’s going to be okay. You’re okay,” Christian whispered.

“I’m broken! I’m nothing! I hate myself!” I cried, my whole body convulsing with each new brake down as memories came back.

“No you’re not. You are something, and you shouldn’t hate yourself, it was a mistake. Everything will be better tomorrow morning. Just wait and see. I know everything seems really bad right now, but just wait until the morning. It will be better,” Christian assured.

“And remember, we don’t even know if Michael is breaking up with you, its all hypothetical at this point,” Mario reminded.

“Exactly, so try and think of the positives. Michael hasn’t broken up with you yet. Honestly he is just trying to think about it and understand it all. He really doesn’t know what he is going to do,” Christian said.

Sitting up, “Then why would Matt tell me that Michael was going to?” I asked looking like a puppy that had been abused.

“Because Matt is stupid! He isn’t Michael so he can’t say anything. He doesn’t know anything. Don’t listen to that shit head,” Clara said and for the first time I smiled.

“How? But what if Michael does?” I asked becoming sad again.

“So what? It just means it wasn’t meant to be. I know you really care and like him, but everything happens for a reason. You will be fine. You have us all here for you,” Mario smiled.

“Exactly, you are strong and we are always here for you. I’m really glad you ran to Clara’s room instead of hurting yourself. That’s an improvement from a couple of days ago,” Christian noted.

“Yeah…I just. I don’t know. I just can’t believe I hurt Michael so much. It kills me. I can still see his broken face when I told him. It hurts so much!” I said starting to cry again.

"Shh, it's okay," Christian cooed, pulling me into a hug.