Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

26: "Real men never stop trying to show a girl how much she means ...

“Real men never stop trying to show a girl how much she means to him, even after he’s got her.”

5/13/13

     Last night was epic. Mothers Day dinner with Michael’s family was awesome! Saturday night rocked too, but this morning I found a note on Michael’s phone stating he was depressed cuz he couldn’t help me. He said he wanted me to forget about Reece, not feel guilty. He also said, and I quote “I don’t want to have sex with her.” I know he has a fear of pregnancy but since I take wording seriously he could have worded that better. Now I get the impression he doesn’t want to have sex with me. It makes me think he just really has no interest whatsoever. He said, “why wouldn’t I want to if we’ve been doing other things? It wouldn’t make sense.” Okay Yeah, but I was so confused. He also wrote he felt trapped…failure…something else. I asked why and he explained.

Then as always, if Reece is mentioned I go down hill. So I listened to “Low” by Sleeping With Sirens and Michael asked me if he made me feel low, to which I said no. It’s true. But…

If Reece is mentioned I feel low because of what happened and how I hurt Michael. I feel low when I see other girls…because I’m not as skinny or pretty. I mean, I am pretty. But am I beautiful, hot, sexy, cute? I wouldn’t ever know. And Michael describes girls as hot which to me is more appealing that pretty in a guys eyes Like maybe that’s why he has no sex drive for me? IDK. Pretty…vs…hot. Hot = Sexual. Pretty= Sweet.

My stomach grumbles. Bad. No. No. Stay Skinny. Eat Minimal.

But see? Michael is so good for me…yet cuz of his lack of emotion/affection/drive I become way unsecure…which leads to not eating. It sucks cuz he wants to help with this issue.

It’s just fucking weird! He doesn’t want me for my body, and that’s what I’m used to. Hence why I freak! I love that he likes me for my mind, but physical stuff counts too! I mean how would he feel if I was withdrawn, closed, showed no interest in him physically and talked about hot guys?! I am sure he would be insecure.

Thank the Lord for Daniel! He told me he loved my idea for Michael’s BDAY present. He says that I am amazing and a wonderful girlfriend. Now, is that hard? I finally feel appreciated. I need to hear things to believe them, sometimes more than once, sometimes a thousand times.

Is it wrong to want to feel wanted, desired, loved? I mean words are NOTHING without the actions to back them up!

And I love that Michael things I’m patient! I am not a patient person…but I have learned to be patient with him. He is the only person I am patient with.

I talked to Daniel further about things. Again, Daniel to my rescue.

         “Like my self esteem right now is at an all time low... I just don't feel good

enough or pretty enough for Michael... Idk just bleh” I typed to Daniel.

            

”I went all out on this, because I am astounded you think you aren't pretty enough. 
Uhm, trust me when I say you rank as one of, if not THE best looking girl Michael actually knows well. Or at least talks to and looks in the eye, haha. Really. 
Don't even pretend you're not. And omg so what if you aren't? You still have 12,742 other positive attributes like being elegant and __[insert adjective]__and and and... And you aren't a guy and don't have a gross Adams apple and you're not radioactive, and your butt's not flat like the girl I sat behind in religion,ugh, annnnnd [more science] your body already gives off natural pheromonesthat you don't even actively control that bind him to you, he has less of those because he is a guy BUT women do have a keener sense of smell (and ability topick up on / be affected by those) so it all works out and you're in an even playing field. 
Stop it, you are. 
That cute girl who walked by with the long brown hair and nice hips? She dips tobacco and has a disgusting tasting mouth, yellowy teeth,and knows it and so she parades herself around externally to feel good aboutherself. She sees Michel and wants his attention. Walks past twice, winks athim.. Michael will never touch that. Or be touched by that, no matter how mesmerizing that booty is, he just be like NO ME GUSTA and turn back to you and smile & lean back happily knowing he has someone like you at his side. You are a wholesome woman who is not lacking anything.... but the intangible... self confidence. You hide it well but he probably knows you feel down when you do, and I hope you guys like don't shut each other out. Because communication is important. You are honest and, given time, you'll say what you need to and give compliments when you wanna. What more can you do?
That pretty much covers all the things to do with being pretty. In your manner and looks and treatment and natural attributes: gurl. You've got everything it takes. Don't put metaphysical banana peels on the ground to step on on purpose! And if you do then just use it to slide and say it was on purpose, and be the boss that you are. Don't be self destructive whether it's physically or emotionally. Because then if you wanna pick yourself up... you're lower down than you were before you started it's silly. You are like high up on the food chain and, with or without makeup, you have a natural attractiveness that other girls NEED makeup for ..to even achieve in the first place.
THERE now do you feel "pretty and witty and gay?" 
I hope I never hear you say you aren't pretty enough for him again. Confidence is the most attractive thing. And a nice laugh. I promise your feelings of insecurity are not 100% accurate. Maybe it's fluorescent lights ha. xD I hope that helped. I had nothing better to do than make sure you didn't needlessly bash your self-image,” Daniel so kindly responded practically making my night.







            
”Thank you very much! That ... It made me happy. It's just i don't hear it often... And thank you for sayin I'm pretty. And in all honesty my emotions are all over the place cuz that time of month is coming and I usually get insecure right before hand.. So I know that is playing a part in it. But question.. I mean I know I'm pretty... But like Michael calls girls hot.. He never says that to me.. So am I just pretty? Is that why he doesn't want to like idk... I am just very confused when it comes to him and emotions lol but I am prolly guna talk to him like now ish lol. But really thank you!”

I replied having a smile on my face.









            
”Of course. 
He doesn't ..actually call girls hot much around me, or maybe he does, but they aren't girls or conversations that I remember because the don't matter. He doesn't say 'You're looking so hot in that dress' to anyone.....Um, don't go crazy on him over word choice lol. 
He would describe a movie actress as hot maybe or something, because that is literally what they are going for and they accentuate every movement and sigh all seductively and put on the annoying quasi-British accents... It's annoying and like, the ideal 'hot' person isn't really. Being pretty is like a longer lasting and intrinsic compliment. 
Hot, to me and most likely him, is just like 'ya looking hot' or 'oh that's hot..' but the word doesn't like stick to you. I hate thy word. You are actually warm. 
Would you rather be called a warm person than a hot person? I would. Warm means like bubbly emotions, soft hands and gentle gaze, light hair, considerate in interaction with others, not cold cruel calculated cold bitch. You know? (i was describing girls in general there, sorta) so like quit worrying either way it is. You'll always be pretty, and you're generally warm, or at least fake it so professionally you still win. See. Hot is too objectifying.
 Like hot is ...it.. is a fucked up term with ambiguous meaning and Hollywood or magazine standards that are fucking idiotic to try to be OR it is go those girls who spend 3 hours managing their hair and lipstick and eye stuff and always make pouty faces and hold plastic cups of beer and stand between two fat guys who have no life, all those pictures on Fb and crap. They are going for 'hot' but aren't even pretty. 
You understand? Do not worrrrry. Just be happy if he compliments you ever and know that he could say any compliment at all but him being the way he is; I guess he probably picks out some thing others would overlook and then he says it's cool or something. That can mean he is thinking you're looking good... and doesn't say 'lookin finee' rather he makes some actual comment so you know you picked nice earrings or whatever. 
I say things like 'are those plastic or ..I just really have to know because they must be really heavy.' --'I got them from my friend, and yes, they are plastic. Not even store brand, haha' ...and then 'oh, well they could've fooled me! They look good on you, that's what matters.' 
Bam. I just made a girl feel all happy OR super awkward. It's the risk I take. And I don't say it if I don't mean it. Michael is the same way. 
He likely doesn't like the word hot. He calls girls hot. Sure ok. But you, Vanna, aren't ‘girls’. You're one girl in particular who is above such generalizing terms in his eyes. Hot shouldn't be used often to describe you. UNLESS you wanna go out one night like to a club and YOU FROST YOUR HAIR AND WEAR TIGHT FITTING BLACK AND YAY CLEAVAGE AND SEQUINS AND A FEATHER AND STRIKING NAIL POLISH, PERFUME, DO UP HAIR ELABORATELY IN A A WAY THAT ACCENTUATES YOUR FACE and walk all cute on purpose blah blah blah girl stuff. Ooookay, congrats, you are now looking HOT. But that isn't who you are. It's what you're being. 
I hope I helped, that’s a vicious issue for girls, I know,” Daniel explained making me laugh.










Daniel sure knows what to say to a girl when she’s down doesn’t he?