Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

25: "He loves me not...He loves me."

“He loves me not…He loves me.”

That night Michael and I hung out with Nelson. We went to grab dinner, to which I barely ate, then to the movies! Finally a fun night! At the movies Michael said his friends were at the same movie as us and at the end he went up and talked to them while Nelson gave me a look.

     “What?” I snapped.

     “You know what,” Nelson smirked.

     “You bitch,” I said hitting him.

     “You’re jealous, and I’m going to tell Michael,” Nelson said.

     The one thing I never wanted Michael to know, and Nelson was threatening to reveal it.

     “You fucking bitch! You say one fucking word and you’re a dead man walking,” I said as I hit his arm over and over as Nelson just laughed.

     If I were a cartoon steam would be coming out of my ears and my race would be red with full on rage.

     “Stop, you are seriously funny! It’s cute! And just wait until Michael here’s about it,” Nelson continued.

     I would have hit him again if Michael hadn’t appeared behind us.

     “Wanna meet my friends?” Michael asked.

     I didn’t know how to answer and looked to Nelson. He just smirked and I agreed just to get Michael away from Nelson fearing he would say something.

     I met them all. They were nice. We said goodbye, and I went to the bathroom. I came out and Nelson laughed.

     “He knows,” Nelson said.

     “I kinda knew it too,” Michael said which pissed me the fuck off.

     “You’re dead,” I threatened as I chased Nelson around a crowded movie theatre lobby. I didn’t give up either; I chased him and hit him. I can control my temper usually, and it takes a lot to piss me off enough for me to make an effort to hurt people. Nelson just made number one on the people I was pissed at.

     I crossed my arms as we walked to the car and wouldn’t respond to either of them. I was pissed at both of them. How dare Michael think I was jealous. And how dare Nelson say something, but that was Nelson for you. Even writing about it makes me angry.

     When we got to Nelson’s I still gave them the silent treatment. We sat in one room with a bed made out to be a couch, with a TV to hook up an Xbox and a comfy chair. I sat down on the bed. Michael sat in the comfy chair. I still wouldn’t speak. I could be stubborn when I wanted. But I wasn’t trying to be stubborn, I was angry.

     “Dude, I’ve never seen her this angry,” Michael said.

     “Hey, I’m sorry,” Nelson said.

     “Doesn’t matter,” I responded shortly.

     “C’mon, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” Nelson sincerely apologized.

     “Doesn’t matter. He knows,” I growled.

     Nelson left so Michael and I could talk. I was pissed but heard Michael out. He said he was also a jealous person, which shocked the hell out of me, but made me feel better. Sadly we talked about those stupid prom nights. God… if I never had to head about them it would be too soon.

     “Want some bourbon?” Nelson offered.

     “Yes!” I said wanting to forget this night.

     “Vanna, you shouldn’t,” Michael said.

     “No, I am going to,” I said not really wanting to listen to Michael.

     I had maybe three ounces and I was out of it. I started laughing.

     “Is she drunk? Already?” Nelson laughed.

     “No…” I said and laughed.

     I laughed until everything started spinning…that’s when I got scared. I laid down on the bed and opened my eyes to a dark room with Nelson and Michael. Sitting up I looked around, and looked to where I was sitting. I couldn’t make out where I was or who I was with. I could feel tears fall as I was scared I was at Reece’s.

     “Couch?” I mumbled looking around as the room spun.

     “Let’s go to the kitchen,” Nelson suggested.

     Now, I don’t remember much of that night, but I had a huge flashback. I couldn’t tell whether I was at Reece’s and it was happening again. I mean logically I knew I was at Nelson’s safe, but it’s hard to explain. I saw nelson’s house, but Reece’s apartment laid over it…It was like I was in two places. It scared me. I remember thinking Nelson was Reece. If I really needed detail about that night, I could just ask Michael who fucking video’d it. He said it was because I was opening up and he wanted to remember what to do right or something.

     I was ashamed Michael saw me drunk. The next morning I felt like shit because I felt bad for Michael who had to hear about stuff that happened that night with Reece. You see why I can’t drink? It sucks. The night after Michael and I talked about love.

5/5/13

     So last night Michael n I talked about love. Eating is on my mind. My photo project on body didn’t affect me much until dad told me to find pics of like a healthy person to an anorexic person so I looked at magazines…big mistake. Still fighting. I was guna have hot chocolate but then I stopped because I couldn’t bare the thought of gaining weight. This morning I had two pancakes and I was still quite hungry after, but didn’t eat more. I’ve been chewing gum to keep my appetite at bay but I left my room, have no gum and am starving.

     By the way the talk about love, well we both said we love each other…but I was quite confused at the end, but didn’t push further. I mean, I guess he loved me if he said it…

Gosh I even started having nightmares about eating disorders and myself. I was starting to scare myself.