Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

31:"You can't force yourself to stop liking someone, but you can tell....

“You can’t force yourself to stop liking someone, but you can tell yourself that you deserve better and try to move on.”

That’s what I keep telling myself. I keep reminding myself of all the reasons why I can find someone better. That week going to therapy with my father helped tremendously. I had hope again for the first time. And you know what, Michael has this uncanny ability to text me whenever I am in therapy. It’s ridiculous.

         But seriously with all I’ve experienced this year, Michael has given me new standards to add on to what I already had from my dad.

- Intelligence/smart

- HAS to be able to show affection/ express emotion

    ~ meaning, he has to have the ability to make his girl feel wanted/loved/desired/cared about

- Has to have had at least one relationship in his life

    ~ meaning he has to know what he is doing, because I am no way in hell getting in a relationship with a guy who knows nothing. Also has to be able to be dominant and make decisions. Lesson learned.

         Nelson and Reece had those down. Now if only Michael had them down… Those three things are mandatory in a guy now. Before it was only intelligence, but I’ve learned what I need.

6/18/13

         Anyways, after therapy I went to the graveyard as usual. I feel like…good. It’s nice. I can’t believe I’m dealing with anxiety, PTSD, an eating disorder, and being depressed. But I’ve been strong. I AM STRONG. I CAN get through this and I will.

That was the first day of hope, and by the way I still have hope so yay! But I go to the graveyard because well I am a weird dark crazy chick for one. But the real reason is because cemeteries are peaceful. In my senior year I went there to write a couple times for English class.

6/20/13

         It’s almost been four months since that night, and almost a month since Michael and I broke up. I am quite confused about Michael still. But with Reece, it’s more clear. Though clarity doesn’t mean I’m over it. I still can’t sleep and am all over the place. My eating…well I purged twice this week, and I might purge tomorrow depending on how I’m feeling.

         I also just started this show Lie To Me. It’s brilliant. It’s exactly the show I need right now.

         Yes, you’re all thinking, “Oh no, she is purging” but do not fret. Well, if it last into July then I would fret, but it’s just a temporary release or a way of controlling things I think. It’s only until my sister is out of school and then I will be on a schedule so I wont feel the urge to purge.

6/21/13

         During my shower I had a realization like always. Maybe I don’t just need to forgive myself, but also forgive Reece. Maybe I need to forgive everyone who has hurt me.

 Also, I am seeing a pattern. I always wondered why I couldn’t remember much of middle school. I can’t remember my freshman year of high school. I can’t remember that night. Now I’m losing my memory of Michael and this year. All of those moments were hallmark traumatic times in my life.

Too many emotions! At least I know where my attraction to Reece came from. He looks identical to Jason Dohring, AKA Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars. I think what bugs me about it all is I don’t know the truth about what happened. If only the guy from Lie To Me could tell me if Reece told me the truth.

Also I went out and had fun for the first time with family friends and then went to a movie. See, I want to go out and have fun, but I’m scared of the consequences or what will happen.

And it’s true I am scared. All my friends drink and smoke weed. Those are two triggers I cannot yet face without completely breaking down or having a flashback or experiencing extreme fear and rage.

6/22/13

         God Fucking Damn it! Fucking god damn Michael asked Kyle how I was doing. What gives him the right to care after he left me at the worst time possible. Fuck him. I get sick even thinking about him.

         But seriously…Michael is a problem. He is confusing me by asking about me. He left me...he shouldn’t even have me cross his mind. It’s totally…strange. Like what the fuck?

         Ya know what! Michel likes runners. Well I tried my best to like running. I hated it. But I am a runner, just not the type you all are thinking. I run, but not to run. I run from people, problems, places, memories etc. God…

         AND I was just getting good at forgetting Michael! God!

         Finally letting go of some of that anger I’ve been holding in. As I have stated many times I hate showing emotion. Especially anger. I try my best not to feel angry at anyone no matter what they have done to me, but sometimes people just push me over the edge and I have to express it, let it out, let it go, and forget. All a part of the healing process really. I am going through the seven stages of grief with Reece, and with Michael.

         I am much further along with Reece than I am with Michael. I’m on stage three with Michael. Anger. But with Reece I am at the last stage.

Let me break down the stages

-       Shock/Disbelief

-       Denial

-       Anger

-       Bargaining

-       Guilt

-       Depression

-       Acceptance/Hope

You don’t go through the stages as if it were a checklist. Trust me I bounced all around. I was in denial with Reece for a long time not accepting it was sexual assault, but the first thing I felt was guilt. With Michael it was shock/disbelief from the get go. I haven’t denied it yet. I don’t want to ever deny it happened. But right now I’m at the stage of anger. I already went through the depression stage… that was like the first two weeks home.All I know is I’m moving forward. I might be getting onto the bargaining stage while being in the anger stage too with Michael.