Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

24: "I'm not a second option, either you choose me or you lose me."

“I’m not a second option, either you choose me or you lose me.”

First day back and I write like ten pages in my journal…

4/29/13

     I survived! Thanks to Daniel =D Getting away for the weekend was very much needed. When I got back to the dorms things between Michael and I…were a bit different. I couldn’t figure it out…like just the vibe between us it was…off. He didn’t take my hand while walking to dinner. I tried linking arms but that was a fail. I really don’t know why the vibe is diff. Was it something I did? Didn’t do? Gosh! Why are emotions so…confusing?

     I mean I ran up to hug Michael when I saw him cuz A. I missed him B. cuz I thought I should do it (not that I completely wanted to)…again prolly lingering feelings from Saturday. Also mom/dad/nelly think its weird that I go to certain places with certain people. Like I put importance upon a restaurant. Like I wouldn’t take my friend Taylor to New Walk because that place has memories with other people. So my sis was shocked when I was disappointed that Michael went to the places he took/wanted to take me. But eh, whatever, I’m over it.

     I can just feel myself wanting to pull away, but I won’t. I’ve stayed strong though all those “realization” moments. I think I feel scared? Not sure. But it’s an uneasy feeling I believe. I should prolly read through what Daniel sent me.

     Maybe I’m off because I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey (Do NOT judge). Whydo you ask? Cuz there are scenes and lines in there that Reece said/did to me. Yes it was hard to read with it coming up in my head again. But I’ve gotten past that part to the part where she signed the document, so now nothing should technically “trigger” anything…but the character, Christian, when it gets…heated…the way he acts reminds me of Reece.

     While I was home I discussed Juls with my mom! Crazy right? I was talking about whether Juls was my first “love”. The way I answered that was by saying yes I loved him. How? Because when he got a girlfriend I wasn’t jealous. All I wanted was for him to be happy, especially after everything he has been through. And that’s how I know I’m not (yet) in love with Michael. I’m ust not there yet. I mean, it took me years to figure out I loved Juls. Does it take that long?

     I fear what is new. My feelings for Michael are new and scary and I admitted that to Michael. What is happening to me? Since when do I open up? Since when do I let someone get that close? Since when do I put faith in someone? Trust them? Why the fuck am I turning into? It just freaks me out that I’ve let someone in.

     It’s the not knowing, the uncertainty that scares me. I have no control. Everything is up in the air. And gosh! Last night I showed Michael something and he was like “one day I’m going to do that, whether it’s you or someone else.”

     I hate talking about the future because he always says “someone else.” That scares me. Yes, I know realistically Micahel and I most likely won’t get married, but when he says stuff like that it scares me becayse I feel like he doesn’t see a future with me in it. So if that’s so, then why be in a relationship? Isn’t being in a relationship supposed to be about finding someone you connect with and could see a future with? Because it’s hard to live in the moment. I am just getting the hang of taking it one day at a time…but seriously! Damn Onision for putting that idea in my head about relationships are where you’re trying to find someone you can connect with and see a future with.

     My dad said being in a relationship is for fun. Also, he doesn’t believe in marriage! Like he doesn’t think that the relationship is any more real if the govt has a signed doc. I get that, I do. I just would have liked to grow up believing that, or grow up believing that things won’t last. Because nothing really does last, does it. IDK. Grr! Why do I think so much? It complicates everything.

     But seriously, if you don’t see a future with someone, why be in that relationship? I think it’s a valid question. Maybe I could ask Daniel…he seems insightful. I think what frustrates me the most is there’s no one way/right way to be in a relationship. But that’s where faith comes in. Ah! It’s just so annoying to not know. To not know what the future holds. Sometimes it drives me crazy!

     How perfect! Our next photo project is on the body…like it wasn’t hard enough to deal with already! I wanna do mine on eating disorders, challenge myself to see if I can get through the project without cracking and going back to bad habits.

     I was stupid to think I could last two weeks of going through that project. Three days later I freaked about body image and Michael tried helping…which ended up leaving Michael getting four hours of sleep…but hell! He can fucking sleep in while I had to get to class.

     Oh! I totally forgot to mention…the incident. Oh Michael… Well, any girl interested in him, never buy lingerie. Big mistake. Trust me. I was humiliated. Well at least I have it for future relationships cuz every guy I asked like Nelson and Steve said they would love it if their girlfriend went out buying lingerie. They said they would be flattered. But seriously, what guy would turn down seeing a pic of his girl in lingerie? He saw the pic… god; sorry I tend to hold grudges… bad habit. Anyways…

     Michael opened up to me, which again, is my favorite thing, and well, later that day he got really angry at his computer. That made me think…I know it’s hard for him to open up, and if he gets upset like that…maybe it’s better if I don’t try to push, maybe it’s not worth it if it upsets him like that, ya know? Question, am I a terrible girlfriend?

5/2/13

     No, if Michael can I can’t be open to eachother and be honest then the relationship will fail. I just don’t know what to do! I can’t keep opening up if he can’t/wont. I’ve made myself completely vulnerable whereas Michael hasn’t let himself. Like if things were to end he could pretend he wasn’t that into me nad I’d believe it, whereas if I pretended to, he would know I’m lying cuz of how much I’ve explressed my feelings for him. God fucking dammit! How can I be so up and down? I read way too much into things, that’s how! I don’t believe Michael when he tells me things, why? Oh, because he only says it once. It doesn’t stick. I’ve always had issues with believing if someone likes me, and even when I “know” they do I still question and doubt unless they prove otherwise. IDK…I’m just some screwed up kid. I mean, why would anyone want to put up with me? How could anyone put up with me? Maybe I’m better off alone…that way I don’t bother people.

     Is it bad to feel wanted? Loved? Desired? Is that too much to ask? I’m worthy of having someone feel those things towards me…it’s just sad that I want it so, but can’t have it.

     But why can’t you have it? You know, you have a boyfriend who probably feels that way for you…

     Probably? Okay. Well how the fuck am I supposed to know how he feels towards me?! He doesn’t show it or express it. And I know it’s hard for him… but it’s just hard for me to have full faith in believing he could ever feel that way…Like…IDK…

          That night I was to take photos for Michael’s friend Kyle’s prom. I took pics of Kyle and his date and they were so cute. We went to this hibachi place and for the first time I enjoyed my food. But of course, after I ate…I felt like I wanted to purge. I went to the bathroom and debated on puking. I knew I shouldn’t, nor have I ever made myself puke… So I didn’t. But I knew I was going to do something to make up for it in the next couple days.

 That evening, I took my feelings from my journal and went to Michael and expressed some of them and he said, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Why the fuck can’t he say that more often? Or express shit like that?! But finally I knew how he felt!

     Well, at least I knew how he felt until I got drunk that night…