Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

17: "We are the perfect couple, we're just not in the perfect situation."

“We are the perfect couple, we’re just not in the perfect situation.”

Now, how sweet would it be if that were the end of the story? Well sadly it isn’t. Just because Michael decided to keep me around didn’t mean things were fixed.

     Fixed…that word. It will always remind me of Michael. He always wanted to “fix” things. Like it was that simple. He saw everything as A + B = C. But in reality it was never that straight forward. He never really learned that.

     Now let’s see how I perceived everything back then, instead of hearing my heartless commentary now.

3/6/13

     So Michael decided to stay! We talked after we got back. And he put his arm around me which was a huge shock for me cuz I had no idea whether he wanted to be close or not. Just him having his arm around me made me happy. It’s the little things like that that I enjoy.

     I am just hoping that when I get home, I’ll be able to heal. I haven’t broken down today. Though in class I hated that Reece was so close to me. It made me feel…uncomfortable. Michael also told me that Reese’s aren’t his favorite candy anymore. God I feel bad! But overall I think Michael and I are doing pretty well for everything that’s happened. Though Matt has been on my nerves! He was the reason I broke down two times! I just hope Matt knows he can’t joke about what happened. I can’t handle it yet. Maybe one day, but not today or any time soon.

     There’s so much stress with finals plus what happened. Damn! Why is it that the crazy shit happens to me? Why is it me who is always taken advantage of? Sadly, those are unanswerable questions, but I’m getting over it. Slowly, but surely.

     I just feel so gross and used. I feel like complete shit. I feel like nothing. Completely disrespected. I am just glad there’s one week of school left before break. I just…I don’t think I can be touched for a while. It’s too soon with too many memories. Hugging/cuddling is fine…but nothing lower than my waist.

     I am so lucky to have found Michael. He actually respects me. He actually genuinely cares about me.

     Then of course I get sick during finals! Brilliant, Vanna, real stellar. As if finals weren’t hard enough!

     Sitting in my dorm, sick, I realized I hadn’t eaten. I was too tired to get up and go somewhere to get food. I really craved some chicken noodle soup. I could barely pay attention to the episodes I was watching in bed, so leaving the dorm wasn’t an option.

     I hinted through a text message to Michael that I wanted soup, but sadly Michael totally didn’t get the hint, plus he was working on his own shit. So that night I skipped dinner, and when feeling a bit better did some of my work. It kept me occupied. It left no time to remember. Of course later that night I remembered.

3/8/13

     The hardest part is living with the decisions and memories. They haunt me. It’s just for me, like, that was huge. I am not a physical person and I am oh so self-conscious about my body and guys wanting me just for that, and then this happens, reinforcing my fears/beliefs. I can bet I mean nothing. I just feel so fucking shitty. Like I’m scared to be physical now. I hate that. I hate that I put myself in that situation. I hate that it happened. Why do I feel violated? Why do I feel like trash? It’s because I don’t mean anything. To Reece that is. Although why should that matter? I just feel so fucking stupid!

     I can’t change what happened. I have to deal. But how? I guess time…that’s the only answer. But even with time, will that be enough? I just don’t ever want to feel so vulnerable and not in control. I’m scared. Scared that I won’t be able to get over this. That the memories won’t go away. Like if someone touches me in a certain place…it triggers a memory. I know it does cuz it’s happened already. I hate it.

I just want to be healed already. I want to not see Reece, I want to not let the memories affect me. I want to move on. I want to believe that not all guys are like that. And Michael isn’t. It’s crazy, but he isn’t and that is such a good thing. You don’t find a guy who respects you everyday. All I know is…I pray I heal quick.

Even though I am sick and tired, I still can’t sleep. I feel so lost. Like, who the hell am I? How did I end up like this?

And that my friend is a good question. PTSD officially sucked. I was completely overwhelmed with emotions and memories and every PTSD symptom. Though, I tried to bury it during spring break. Two days after that journal entry my eating disorder thoughts took over at night like they usually do.

I started panicking about going home, and my mom’s southern cooking with her rich food and big portions. So I wrote down a list of rules. I knew that I was going to lose it if I gained any weight. Not that I already wasn’t losing it, but going home made the eating harder. Ironic really. Now, sadly, Matt was good to me that night. He calmed me down and gave me melatonin, but I didn’t take it because Michael had told me not to.

I will admit that Matt was decent and helpful to me that night. That is one good memory I have of him. But now the challenge was telling Michael I was struggling with my eating. He always had told me to go to him when I had a problem, but A. he doesn’t have time and B. I didn’t want to worry him on top of his work.

So instead of facing him head on, I did what I always did, I wrote him a letter expressing what I was going through. That night Michael came over and we talked a lot about it. But when Michael left, the conversation didn’t feel finished per se. I mean it was really hard for me to open up and talk to Michael about the eating and the physical stuff. But I opened up to him because that was what I had to do.