Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

15: "I wish you'd listen closer to the songs I play 'cause the lyrics speak...

“I wish you’d listen closer to the songs I play ‘cause the lyrics speak the words I fail to say.”

During those rough days, I did see Reece in class and explained how I felt. He said he never meant to make me feel that way. But he is an actor; can I really trust anything he tells me?

     Monday came around. It seemed like since last Tuesday months passed. Michael still hadn’t talked to me even though people said he was going to. I was losing patience. My parents told me to pretend it was over because they figured it was. But Monday night Michael did in fact talk to me.

     It was evening when he said he would be free. Feeling stressed a facing Michael I grabbed my lighter and started to play with it, watching the flame dance for ten seconds then letting the flame cease only to rush the burning metal to the inside of my hand. Making no noise, eyes closed, I embrace it. Opening my eyes there’s no damage and it didn’t take enough of the edge off. So I repeated it. I repeated until I burned myself successfully. Hey, if I was going to be in pain, I might as well control it. I wanted for my hand to burn so Michael’s words wouldn’t hurt so much.

     Walking to the mirror I rinsed my hand with cold water as Michael texted me saying, “I’m outside. I’m not mad. We’re just talking J.”

     Opening the door I saw Michael with a half smile and was terrified. We walked to a bench and sat down.

     “So…” I whispered.

     “I’ve been think about this, and I just…well I actually haven’t had time until two days ago to really think about this. It’s just…I mean if we break up we will always be friends, nothing would change except for the fact that we wouldn’t be romantic and would have to deal with the awkwardness of us being around each other knowing we had desires and stuff…But if we stay together…I just don’t know how we would move forward.”

     “We would take one step at a time. But it’s your decision,” I said quietly, trying to hold in the pain.

     But sorry, just have to interrupt. If Michael really knew me he would have known what he was saying wasn’t going to happen. When someone hurts me, I run and stay away,

     “I just don’t know what the right thing is to do,” Michael said taking a pause before speaking again, “I mean things would be awkward but being friends wouldn’t be that different.”

     I stayed quiet, knowing everything would change if we were just friends. I knew it couldn’t happen.

     “Look, I’m hesitant to talk because I hate being vulnerable and open, but right now I’m giving you a free ticket to ask me anything you want to know the answer to,” I offered quite generously for someone who was in such pain.

     Michael took a moment to think.

     “What would happen if we ended this?” Michael asked.

     “Honestly? You want to know? I would run, hide, and avoid you. I wouldn’t be talking to you like this or opening up. I wouldn’t be able to be around you until I got over it. I just wouldn’t be able to,” I answered honestly knowing Michael hated every word of it.

     “But why? Why couldn’t we just be friends? I mean, why would you run?” Michael asked.

     God! Again, I will say for such a smart guy he is a complete idiot!

     “Dude! Okay, I’ll tell you something else. Today when I saw you in the cafeteria, I broke down and ran out the back because I couldn’t handle it,” I said completely scared.

     “But why? I’m like the least scary person,” Michael said.

     “I don’t know. I was afraid. I just couldn’t deal,” I explained.

“Vanna, you don’t have to run. I don’t know why you would run,” Michael said and paused, “I don’t think I can come up with a decision tonight, but this talk has helped a lot.”

     “Okay, yeah, that’s chill,” I lied, completely crushed knowing what was going to happen.

     “But why? I just…just because…The physical stuff isn’t the only thing in a relationship,” Michael said.

     “I know! But you freaked me the hell out with you not wanting to do anything. I thought there was something wrong with me! I mean Siena-“

     “Siena? Why do you keep talking about her? She isn’t even in your life anymore. You act like she is still here, having power over you,” Michael said with annoyance.

     I stared at the ground lost in a memory.

     “Gosh, Vanna. Boys will only ever like you for your body. That’s the only reason he likes you…gosh, you’re pathetic to even think a guy could actually give a shit about you,” Siena said.

 

Siena walks up to the guy I liked and basically made the guy fall for her.

 

I am now in high school and this guy calls me into the cafeteria after school.

“You see the guy with the number 8 jersey? Yeah, he likes you,” Connor said.

 

Its weeks later at the homecoming dance. I’m dancing with my friends until Connor, Will and Andy (#8 jersey) come and surround me, dancing.

 

Its months later when Connor chats with me online telling me it was all a trick.

 

Mid year Connor sexually harasses me online re-enforcing Siena’s words.

 

I then think to Carter and what happened.

“Vanna? Did you hear what I said?” Michael asked.

     “Yeah, I just…it’s been my whole life. I’ve had twelve ears of her toxic shit. Just sometimes…It’s just guys have only liked me for my body in the past, and that’s always what it is and when you didn’t want to be physical it just freaked me the freak out! Damn it…see I’m opening up,” I cursed.

     “Why is that a bad thing? You should be able to be open with me,” Michael said.

     “I just, I don’t like being vulnerable, and right now without a decision from you I’m vulnerable,” I replied.

     “I just need to talk to a friend and the answer will come soon, okay?” Michael said as I nodded hoping he wasn’t going to talk to Matt because that would be the end of us if he did.